Husband and I are in recovery...DDay 4 months ago. We have been both working hard on recovery. I initially installed a keylogger onto his computer to monitor any possible communication with AP..to which there has been none. Porn has been an issue in the past..we discussed it after DD and he agreed not to view it anymore. However, in the past 4 months there have been three occasions that I have caught him. I have confronted him on the first two but not the most recent which is a few weeks ago. I know he has used it in the past when stressed and we did have a fight the last time. Since everything else is progressing, do I let this ride? I would like to know what the men out there think about it.

I do not think you should tolerate it.

I can give you three great reasons:

1) the contrast effect: even if your husband never compares you to the images he sees in porn, his subconscious mind will be doing that comparison. You (and any woman) will lose that comparison. A movie star or supermodel would lose that comparison, actually. You will lose the ability to make deposits into your husband's Love Bank, and thus you will lose the chance to have a good marriage. Dr. Harley has a "policy of sexual exclusivity" for exactly this reason. According to this policy, every sexual experience you have should be with your spouse, and noone else.

2) Porn makes men into lazy lovers. If a man's sexual gratification comes only from his wife, then he had better make sure that their relationship is good and that he makes each sexual experience enjoyable for her, so that she will want to continue with him. But if he can get sexual gratification without any effort, he will learn habits that make sex unenjoyable for his wife. Pepperband has a great thread about this on this site.

3) You don't like it!!! Even if porn caused no problems for your marriage, it is a problem in any marriage to do something that your spouse does not think is a great idea. It doesn't matter why they feel it's a bad idea: doing it is damaging to the relationship. If you want to recover, you can't afford love bank withdrawals like independent behavior.

You need to follow the policy of radical honesty and let him know this is a problem for you.

bewildered, great advice from Markos.

The reason this keeps happening is because porn is easily accessible to your husband. If you will brainstorm with him for ways to remove his access he won't have such a hard time ending this bad habit. MAke it unaccessible and the problem will go away.

Radio clip about POJA porn?
Radio clip about POJA and porn

@markos hit the nail on the head. Nothing to add, really, those are the three factors that rule porn out in a marriage. It may be possible for some couples to POJA in this area, but you just can't get away from the Contrast Effect.

I hope my Radio clips about Porn and POJA didn't imply to anyone that I was saying you could POJA porn. If you listen to the clips Dr. H talks about this very thing. That there are other issues i.e. contrast effect with porn.

I haven't heared the radio clips yet as my audio is down.

Warning: I am a European Newbie on this board. So my opinion might be neglectible.

I think you can watch porn into a healthy marriage: If there is radical honesty & enthousiastic agreement about it and you BOTH fulfill EACHOTHERS (sexual) needs.
There are no other people involved here.

Yes, porn can be IB and a way to have needs met selfishly.

It can also be an addiction grown out of frustration because other needs are not being met.

For a lot of couples porn is something that is enjoyed TOGETHER and incorporated in the bedroom. If there is mutual enthousiastic agreement & radical honesty about it,
I do not see the problem with porn in marriage.
But I understand that is clearly not the case here...

Have you read about contrast effect?

Here. What is Sexual Addiction?

I'm not even going to mention a "contrast effect"

Do we really need a scientific explanation to determine right from wrong?
Years ago, it wasnt even a question if porn was immoral.

Using the 10 Commandments as a standard, how many does porn break?
Adultery, coveting, idolatry ....possibly lying?

Porn is unhealthy to marriages because of the contrast effect. It diminishes the sex act from making love to no more significant than 2 jackrabbits getting it on. In a happy, loving marriage, it is much more than a barnyard act. You might think it is a good idea, but you don't know how to create a happy, fulfilling marriage.


It is still bad for marriages regardless of whether or not a couple enthusiastically agree to it. A couple can agree to smoke Marlboro cigarettes, it doesn't negate the harmful effects of smoking.

p.s. the POJA was not intended for behavior that is destructive to marriages. One can "POJA" adultery, but it doesn't mean it will be good for marriage. I can "POJA" smoking and playing Russian roulette, doesn't make either of them healthy.

When my formerly wayward H was writing his EPs, he identified porn as a precursor to adultery and something to be avoided. He doesn't view porn and he doesn't miss it.

AM

Except - there are. It involves porn stars you are watching. You cannot talk about exclusive marital sexual relationship anymore then.

Yes, I am still learning & was never married. I have no idea how to build a marriage.
But I do know that nothing in this world is absolutly Black OR white.

I agree that it CAN be unhealthy in a relationship if one of the partners is not into porn.
I understand that this is the case here & I am not disagreeing that at all.

But if 2 partners LIKE porn themselves & incorporate it in their relationship with POJA,
let's say as a start of foreplay for example,
I cannot grasp how it could endanger the relationship.

Porn itself is not adultery, nor is it the worship of a false "god"
& it is not lethal like smoking cigarettes or playing russian roulette.

I am not denying that something like the "contrast-effect" exists,
but if this effect is applicable to ALL cases,
one should ban television & movies aswell from marriage.

It is like a bottle of good wine at dinner.
You can use it as an extension of something you both enjoy.
OR you can completely abuse wine alone in an addiction-frenzy.
Does this mean wine should be banned permanently from all marriages?

Well I can say that Dr Harley does not watch naked women on tv or in movies.
He has said that in his marriage he wants to be attracted to joyce.
Obviously she couldn't compete with women on bay watch young enough to be her daughter.

As for poja, people sometimes use that to have threesomes and swinging.
It never works because those behaviors are unhealthy.

You are addressing ONE of the problems of porn: the fact that it is usually hurtful and offensive to one spouse (usually the wife). You are not addressing the OTHER problems of porn, such as the contrast effect. All of these have already been explained on this thread, but your responses are ignoring those serious problems with porn and claiming there is no problem as long as it's not a case where it's offensive and hurtful to one spouse.

Not all TV shows have naked people!

And Dr. Harley does say you should abstain from any separate recreational activities until you are each other's favorite recreational companion, due to the contrast effect, so I presume that would include television and movies.

It is also unhealthy due to the contrast effect. Not just because one spouse might not like it.

Why do you feel the need to try to persuade us otherwise? Dr. Harley has worked with thousands of marriages, and we're all a lot more likely to trust his experienced expert advice than the opinion of random strangers on the internet, you know?

I think also that foreplay is a part of intimacy, something you do with undivided attention to each other, something full of caring and sharing with each other exclusively. One can't be watching porn and providing this kind of undivided attention at the same time. Why share these moments of tenderness and care with a T.V. or magazine or computer screen?

A reminder to posters that the purpose of this forum is help posters understand Marriage Builders concepts; it is not a format for personal opinions. If you can help this poster with that, feel to post. Otherwise please refrain from posting. Thank you..