Gloveoil,

Thank you for taking the time to post all of that. Please bear with me, I'm not very good with computers and I don't get on very much. I also don't have the broadest vocabulary to express myself like you.

Thanks for sharing your story. I understand that I need to be patient- that it will take time. You are so right about no contact. I learned the hard way that you can't make things work with continued contact.

Sorry about that.

To answer your questions:

I didn't plan on getting mixed up with anyone. I wasn't looking. She was a friend and we started talking about our marriages. I know now that that is a BIG no no. Dr. Harley is right on the money with that. Instead of talking to my wife, I talked to her. Then, as you know, one thing lead to another. I was letting her meet needs that my wife wasn't meeting. I can see now how it happened. I know that I can't have friends of the opposite sex.

As far as the conditions go, I have met them all with the exception of changing jobs. The only reason is because marina's don't hire in the winter and I don't want my family to starve. I have friend of ours working with me for accountability until I can make a job change. Not sure what else I can do about that. I think my wife understands this, but I know she is having a hard time with it.
I can't think of any questions right now. Thanks again.

When this list of conditions was created, it was not intended to be a check off list.


REQUIREMENTS TO COMING HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humility

Remorse

Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God

Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you)

Authentic repentance

Own your choices and the consequences they caused (to yourself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.)

Apology for the A and your hurtful actions before and after

Confession & apology to children

Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him

Change jobs

Accountability forever to 2 men that I choose

Attend church again

No Contact Letter

Agree to work the Marriage Builders Program

Complete radical honesty about our entire history together

15+ hours together weekly

Pray with me daily

Agree to never go back to the Deale/Shadyside area without me.


Lets look at it and chat about it, OK.

Read ALL my posts that are about to follow and then go back and answer them after you've thought about them for a little bit ( think about it for more than one minute, less than 15 minutes

Humility - This is an ongoing demonstartion of your character, so what are you doing everyday to demonstrate it?


Remorse - This is an action that, not an emotion. Guilt is an emotion often confused as remorse. What actions have you taen to show your remorse and what actions are you taking daily?

Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God - When we surrender, we raise our white flag and give it all to God. We cease fighting everything and everyone. We Wholly Surrender. Have you tried to take over in any areas, or started making decisions independently again? Or are you falling to your knees daily and discussing every decision with your wife and with God?

Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you)- What does this mean to you? Are you still thinking about this? Do you still have times that you grieve? Are you grieving this together with your wife or alone?

Authentic repentance - How did this occur for you? Is this still ongoing?


Own your choices and the consequences they caused (to yourself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.)- This is so far reaching! I'm still living with the consequences of my A. Are you owning your consequences and avoiding the pitfalls of self-pity and resentments? Are you reluctant to own your consequences as 100% yours? What are you doing to make sure you never let that "blame of others" slip into the equation?

Apology for the A and your hurtful actions before and after - Are you making this happen? Are you allowing this to be something you�ll do as many times as your wife needs to hear it? Or have you made this a one time event & now just wanting her to hurry up and get over it? Trust me, She�ll know & She�ll sense the difference and it will impede your recovery.

Confession & apology to children - This one will take years. It may be an event in your eyes, but please trust me when I tell you it�s a long PROCESS. You get to own this area 100% and the damages, your just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Are you in it for the long haul? Are you going to be willing to bring up your adultery with your daughters and discuss the pain it created in their lives over the years, or do you plan to sweep it under the rug?


Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him - I made amends and also asked all family and friends to support my wife 100% no matter what they might think. I also asked them to forgive me for all my half-truths/lies, spin-of-the-truth/lies, withholding of the facts/lies, etc. etc. etc. I shared that I was more worried about protecting my affair than I was about being honest with anyone. I took 100% of the blame, because it was all mine. My wife, nor your wife had a vote as to whether we had an affair! Hence, we get to OWN IT ALL! Have you OWNED IT ALL?
I have a friend that still calls me a Dumb-[censored] every time our discussion turn to my A. We both smile, and I encourage him to remind me how ignorant my choices were. Do you have someone that is doing this for you?

t/j to PapaBear, if you get a chance, go check out the thread on OT, "Do Waywards deserve empathy?" I would love to hear your perspective!

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2676087#Post2676087

Change jobs - I�ll never buy the excuses, so save em for someone else! Get this done now! You�re a mechanic and you can turn wrenches anywhere while you continue seeking a better job.

Accountability forever to 2 men that I choose - Be accountable to your wife first! Are you doing that?

Attend church again - Are you doing this?

No Contact Letter - Done!

Agree to work the Marriage Builders Program - You agreed, but what exactly does this mean to you? Have you contacted the Harley�s and set up Coaching sessions? Are you taking the lead in this? Are you waiting for your wife to take the lead? What exactly is your PLAN?

Complete radical honesty about our entire history together - did you write out a time line about you�re your entire A? Will You? Are you answering questions anytime they come up? Or are you resistant?

15+ hours together weekly - what�s this look like? Are you and your wife learning about UA? Have you both done the R.C. Questionnaire?

Pray with me daily - When are you doing this and for how long?

Agree to never go back to the Deale/Shadyside area without me. - Have you followed this? 100%?

Polygraph - Have you done this yet? Are you willing to set this up, research it with your wife and let her make the decisions about who, what, where & when?

I know, that was more than a few posts to you....

I answered all these same questions, because I had very similar requirements! As you'll see in my siggy line, Sexymamabear is my wife. May not mean much to you, but ask your bride about her..

Do you have a todo list that you are filling out as you read these articles? Make a list. As you move through the articles, your list should change from a list of "read this article" to "do this." And you should start doing the things on the list. You should try to accomplish the things that the articles suggest with the maximum velocity possible. Many of the things you will need to do are lifetime habits, so you will need to keep doing them every day, for life. Again, maximum velocity possible.

Do you know what the four rules to guide recovery after an affair are, yet? By now you should know, and you should be following them.