My Wife left me 4 months ago and says it's over at this point. She says that she prays about it and doesn't feel the same way about me that I do her. She has had a very difficult year which started with her dad passing away in January. She had a major surgery in August that made her misserable and in a great deal of pain all summer. I don't think these are good excuses to give up, but she says she doesn't have the strength to try any longer.

She says that I was an emotional abuser, controlling and demanding. I have to admit that about 1 1/2 years ago when I woke up and realized that our marriage was introuble I pushed to hard and tried way to hard to fix things. I made the mistake after doing better on October 3rd to poor my heart out to her and then tell her that I deserved an answer as to what she was thinking. She said that she doesn't know what she wants but because I no longer want to be in Limbo anymore that I guess we should get a divorce.

I haven't pushed the last 3 weeks since this happened and we are back to getting along in regards to the kids. That's about it. Neither one of us have stated that we are going to file anytime soon.

What do I do? Is this salvagable? I am starting to snoop and find out if there is an affair, but so far am finding nothing.

What kinds of things have you done to push her away?

How long married? How many kids? Any affairs on either side?

Been married 8 years. Have 2 girls. No affairs that are known. I'm looking into this right now. It is honestly the only thing I can think of that makes sense. I have pushed her to hard this year to work on the marriage and have heard her saying that she tried to tell me for 3 years and now that I want to work on it I think she should just jump to it and come around. I feel there is a whole boatload of resentment that is being held against me.

To further add. I spent a lot of years focusing on things such as a new house, etc... when I should have been more content. I didn't listen when she was saying that she was barely getting by (we have used separate accounts) and was paying double mortgage payments. This has come up and is deffinately something that she doesn't want to let go of. I wasn't there for her emotionally and blamed her for not helping on things like being able to move someday, taking vacations, etc...

I don't know what to do at this point as we only communicate about the girls and I see her once every 2 weeks when she picks up the girls at my house. It's very hard to fill her emotional needs at this time and to get her to come back around.

Are the children living with you or her?

We split it 50% each.

gr1979,

Has she shown any of the classic signs of a hidden affair?

Has she ever said, "I love you but am not in love with you"?

God Bless
Gamma

gr, I would first rule out an affair. In the meantime, do you think she would fill out a marriage problem analysis for you? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4506_mpa.html

I'm having a hard time believing that a woman would leave her daughters 50% of the time with a "controlling abuser". I would wager there is an affair.

I'm leaning towards an affair too. I have heard the I love you but I'm not in love with you statement and am aware that it's a classic statement from someone having an affair.

What is the best step at this time while I'm researching the affair option? Do I do the 180 on her and only communicate when she needs to discuss things about the kids?

I just don't know what to do at this time. This is the most difficult thing I've been through in my life that's for sure. I'm fine when I have my girls, but when I don't I am absolutely miserable.

The 180 will harm your chances at reconciling. The 180 is about detachment. But you are already detached to the point that your marriage is all but destroyed.

Go with Plan A instead, so you can get meaningful results.

It is real important that you find out if there is an affair, though.

I will research plan A. I agree that I have to find out about the affair. I don't agree with being detached. I would say that I pray for God to give us both wisdom and to help our marriage at least 15 times a day. I have made so many changes in my life for me that I know harmed our marriage that it's crazy. I believe in our marriage and I still to this day believe in my wife, I just don't know how to save it. I believe God gave us free will and that means that things don't always work out the way they should, but with enough prayer and guidence a miracle is possible for my family!

I was just thinking and one thing I have realized is that I am codependent and relied on my wife for my happiness. I remember not to long ago her tellling me that I relied on her for my friends, my success and everything else and blamed her when things went wrong. I have finally taken ownership of this and haven't done this anymore. I am now focusing on being positive when in communication with her as it's the only option.

I am self employed and struggle with making friends. I know this has been a problem in our relationship. I did rely on her and it wasn't right. I am getting a little involved in my church, but I still haven't had much luck meeting new people. One step at a time I suppose.

gr19179, you won't attract your wife back by being detached. The advice I am giving you will give you your best chance at recovery. I believe God sent you here for a reason and I would implore you to take the advice.

As far as being "codependent," you should understand that that is the definition of healthy marriage. We very much promote codependency around here since it is the basis for a happy, healthy marriage. Using codependency tactics outside of a non-addictive marriage is destructive and will harm your marriage.

Check this out: How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages

Please put aside your own understanding [which has led you to this terrible place] and allow us to help you.

I would run to the bookstore and pick up His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters by Dr Bill Harley. He explains in a very rational, logical way how a good marriage operates. It will help you understand how you got here and how to get out.

GR, here is an outline of Plan A. Even though we don't know if it is an affair, you should follow the CARROT end of this.

Carrot and Stick of Plan A

I appreciate all the info Melody! I will start using plan A immediately! I will have to wait and hope for the right timing to hopefully be able to take her out to lunch or something eventually. I pushed the last 4 months to much with trying to get her to committ to the marriage and talked about it to much kind of like what would happen in marriage counseling and it has pushed her away. I made the mistake of telling her I love her the other day (she usually gives me a dirty look when I do this), but she said I love you too. I felt it was truely genuine and she meant it. I believe there is hope, but I have to do the right things from now on as I don't think I have much room left for error or we will end up divorced.

I have his needs her needs already. Can I start with that one first?

Sounds good!

Just ordered Love Busters! Do I leave her alone for the next few days and focus on learning?