She is withdrawing even more the past few days. We haven't touched in days, our communication is about Christmas and the kids. We don't talk about the "elephant" in the room.

She says "one day at a time, look forward not backwards"... She claims to be reading, but I haven't seen her. She doesn't listen to radio, " corny is what she calls it. She thinks time will heal.... Times like these make me want to end it.

Is it time for Plan B? if so, How do I start a Plan B during holidays?

Today's radio show was very imspiring. Dr. H said something that hit home.

Does anyone know of a clip on Sexual Aversion?
We talked, she feels things are getting better. Huh, maybe it's me.
I am letting my SF get in the way, but that is my #1 EN. She has it as her last. She tells me she is discusted with the thought. Plan B won't change that, or will it?

I seem to remember it being discussed on this site and some qoutes from Dr H about Aversion. Good luck finding it. Do you have the MB books?

Have you seen these?
How to Overcome Sexual Aversion
The Question of the ages: How can a Husband Receive the Sex he Needs in Marriage?

Good pull BH, TYVM

You're very welcome.

Thank you BH. I was wondering if he has ever discussed on his radio show.

I will send an email to see if I can get on the show to discuss.

How many hours of UA time are you getting?

What are HER top 3 needs?

What are you doing to meet them?

Have you identified your top 3 Love Busters and began to eliminate them?

Do you still have monitoring in place for contact?

When was the last date of contact that you are aware of?

We are not getting 15 hrs, but we do spend the time we have together. Three children and 2 jobs is tough. Lunches, an occasional dinner and the weekends are our best times.

Her top three EN: Conversation, FC and Domestic Support

I feel "I don't like using that word" I'm doing all I can. Conversations are tough, other than talking about kids or work. She doesn't want to discuss MB or recovery plans.

My LB would be Independant Behavior, disrespectful judgements ( hard to have with little conversation ) and angry outburst ( in the form of sarcasm or apathy )

I monitor alone, no hardware or software. She gets annoyed if I look, but I remind her that was part of the EP's she agreed to in order to stay.

The last physical contact has been over a year, voice contact a week or two less, but the gaming has me concerned it could be a shorter time. I had an Angry Outbust 3 weeks ago over the gaming. I want to ask her to stop all games... Can that be added to my EP's?

ANYTHING can be added to the list of EPs, my friend. You make the statement that you are uncomfortable with the possibility of contact with POSOM through the notes associated with those games, and to provide you the mental/emotional comfort level to continue to attempt recovery from her infidelity, she must give up online gaming. No accusations, no threats. Simply cause, effect, and cure.

She can agree immediately, she can protest, or she can refuse. You then will have additional information about her commitment to your "new" union, which would of use in guiding your next actions.

Once again, I will reference John Boyd's brilliant OODA (Observe, Orient, Decide, Act) Loop as a great tool in dealing with recovery tactics. Google it for a better explanation.

Here are some radio clips on gaming.

Radio clip on gaming
Radio clip on additions (gaming)
Segment #2
Segment #3

Thank you BH, those clips describe how I feel. I will discuss these clips with her.

Ok you said two jobs..Is that you working two jobs? Or you and her both working, at two different jobs, while the other one babysits?

See if its you working two jobs, that sucks for obvious reasons..

But assuming its the other,,then she and you have your most adult interaction with others, and that is dangerous too.

It is the other... We both work full time. We do spend most of our time with other adults. That's why we work on having lunch together as often as possible.

It's our independent behavior that has gotten us into this pickle.

We are planning an all day outing together. In order to move forward, should we discuss past IB and LB's so we both know what not to do? The concern is bringing up old wounds... But if there is resentment, shouldn't we discuss and then vow to never bring them up again.

There are tons of pitfalls that have to be avoided when both work and there is not enough UA time together..

I wont go into them here and now, you can and probably have read about them already on this site and in the books.

As far as resentment goes, what is it you resent the most? If I were you I hope it is both of your ignorance of the nessecity of UA time, and not getting down to the actions that will preserve and restore your marriage, as the tools you will need to use..

Oh yeah once you know what to do, and are willing to do it, and then if one of you just ignores the reality and acts independently with members of the opposite sex, you can resent them all you want, because they don't respect the marriage, or the marriage partner..

Once you know better, you will do better, it just makes sense, and once the both of you realize you need help, you will seek it, and humble yourself to it..and follow the instructions..

Bringing up the past is normal for a timeframe, and you will need to reset the parameters of respect, and dedication, to the marriage vows..

Its takes time for the images and mind pictures to fade, maybe a couple years...

She needs to become active and guard and protect her marriage, and you also...

At least you see this is the problem.

In a good marriage relationship neither of you would do anything to hurt the other, and if you prescribe to the belief that everything you do, has a connection to your mate, whether they are present or not, you understand sharing your life together, in honesty and openess.

For example, If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one around, does it make a sound?

Using that example, you could say, If I have a one-nighter with a prostitute, and no one finds out, or catchs a disease, how could it hurt my marriage?

I don't think I have to splain how messed up that is, because its not about the sexual need being filled, it is about the intimacy being ignored...


In order to have the intimacy, you have to have trust, trust that the person you are with will take care of you, and can take care of you, in every way possible, even beyond sex..IMO thats even more important than sex, and is what leads up to sharing each others bodies.

What goes on in a guys head when he is having sex, is many times vastly different than what i going on in the womans head, and what the thoughts are, is where the libido is, and the sex drive.

Guys many times think they are the king of the jungle, and sexual activity promotes that feeling within themselves, and after climax, the drugs/hormones released in men calms down there heart-rate, and they drift off. Men can go longer, and women too, but women know that men have to have that confidence and physical ability to get there.

You have mentioned that SF is lacking, and you feel rejected. Do you discuss this with your wife? Ask her what she wants?Expects? Needs? When the marriage is healed, sex just happens naturally, because we are human beings..

The problems are probably mostly in your minds and thoughts, and you both have to take charge of that area first, because that is the most important area of your intimacy, and sex is supposed to be intimate.

Sex is what happens in the culmination of spiritual bonding, not before, and the tools and the programs here can help you bring your spirits together, but it will take time, and investment, and guts..

God Bless TTS

You're welcome. Will she listen with you? Tell us what happens.

She listens to the clips I send her.

The day went well, we had a long and hard discussion at lunch. I explained how her games were now a trigger for me. I told her the shock and pain of the picture took me back to DDay...and that we are starting over. I told her my trust in her was very low, and gave her time to explain why she had it. She had no reason, other than weakness. No more games, She excepted that...

She told me she doesn't know if she can work a system. I asked her what would she do... We talked about MC, both felt it was a waste of time and money. She did not want to talk childhood, which is the direction the MC was taking her. I asked her to give this forum a chance, she fears belittling. She doesn't want others just telling her how bad a person she is and how big a mistake she made. I'm still pushing her to join and hear how the system has helped so many couples.

I explained I feel she doesn't like me, and that she only puts up with me for the short time we are alone together. She wants to stay together, she says she never thinks of divorce. I told her I was unhappy and wanted a more loving and affectionate marriage. I would hate to wake up in 10 years and feel the same way I do today.

Will she sign up for the online course with you?

Where is the online coarse? How do we sign up?