Originally Posted by BWS71
Indiegirl - I acknowledged that many spouses go without their ENs being met and don't have affairs. I also agree that poor boundaries are always a component of infidelity. But I feel like the wayward's defects are over-emphasized when we claim that 'waywards don't deserve empathy.' I think this misrepresents Harley's perspective and encourages betrayeds to approach their wayward spouses in ways that are less effective and ultimately harm their chance at recovery.

I said
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[Harley] also acknowledges that un met ENs ARE an important contributor to most affairs. (I just re-read this to confirm.) To me this is what I mean by empathy.

You said
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No, not really...

Then I read http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033a_qa.html

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Dear A.W.,
People usually have affairs because their unmet emotional needs are met by their lover. There is probably something that your wife's lover is doing for her that makes her feel so good that she is willing to sacrifice the happiness of her children, her mother, her sister and you just to get it. What is it? What does her lover do for her that is that important? What does he give her that you have not given her? Can you change so that you can meet that need?

and http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

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In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended.

Again, for me this shows a great deal of empathy for the wayward spouse. This is the crux of the argument I'm trying to make. When we refer to waywards as rapists(for example), we are sending an un Harley message in my opinion. Harley teaches affairs (unlike rape) are due to factors on both sides of the conflict - boundaries yes, but also unmet ENs. No one would ever claim that a rape victim is somehow responsible for meeting the needs of a rapist or should negotiate with a rapist. But Harley does say that betrayeds should understand and own their part of the marital breakdown and negotiate a satisfying resolution with their wayward spouse if the wayward will give up the affair.

I'm trying to understand why my opinion seems so different than the majority of the posters here.

There is nothing wrong in caring for a wayward spouse.
We can pray for them. (as taught in the book of Hosea)
We can hope that they will change their behaviors.
We can stop enabling their destructive behaviors.

But all of us are evil. The bible says The heart of man is desperately wicked, who can know it?

It is difficult to have boundaries while loving someone.
But sometimes we have to practice "tough love" and there is nothing wrong in feeling sorry for someone making self destructive decisions, wether it is infidelity or drugs or alcohol or any other worldly sin.