Hi everyone,
As part of my extraordinary precautions, my W and I are limiting how much I go out in public where I would have visibility to lots of people. (I am in recovery from years of lust, porn, masturbation, objectifying women, etc.).

My wife and I have been spending 15-20 hours a week together, but it is definitely not "the best 15 hours of the week" like Dr. H says it should be. It's mostly spent by me explaining my thinking and helping her feel assured that I really am committed. So I am (presumably) meeting her need for Openness and Honesty and Intimate Conversation, but I'm pretty lousy at Affection. I'm working on that (being Asperger�s doesn't help, but I'm working on it).

But one thing that I think we REALLY need is to work on is having FUN together. We know that watching TV or movies doesn�t really count. And we really like to get out of the house because doing stuff at home just creates stress (messes that need to be cleaned, laundry that needs to be done, kids that demand attention, projects looking at you, etc.). We were playing tennis until I screwed up my arm.. and now the weather is getting yucky outside.

So given all of these crazy parameters � I need some good ideas for Recreational Companionship so I can plan our dates. Feel free to point me to a MB URL link or other websites that have lists of ideas (if that�s OK with the moderators).

Thanks,
1HG

Here is the questionnaire that will give you some ideas

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html

What did you do when you were dating?

Let's see. 20 years ago? ...hmmm...

Why is it when you're in your 20's all those creative dates looked fun, but in your 40's, they all look stupid (playing Uno in the mall?!?) ? After I get home from work, the only thing that looks appealing is going out to eat or watching a movie? What do other 40-something year olds (with teenagers at home) do for fun?

Oh - and thanks for the link to the list. My W and I actually filled out that form at one point. I'll have to track it down and see what we both like/didn't like.

UGGH you sound like my husband. All he wants to do is veg and hang around the kids!!! However, yesterday he took me for a walk around our ponds and we had a great time doging spiders.

We went camping and put up a badmitton net and oh my goodness. I'm such a clutz that I fell over backwards once and air balled it a ton and we just laughed and laughed being silly. Walmart or Academy have these sport sets that you could take to the park. O

What about frisbee golf. Once again, I'm awful but we laugh a lot.

I set up the tent near our pond and we made somemores on the fire pit one night.

I've thought about making my own drive in movie by driving out on our property and setting up the dvd player and "parking"

Just being silly and laughing. That is what I miss and what I want!!!

Cooking classes
Wine tasting
Art classes
Dance lessons (private if you don't want other dance partners)
Dave and Busters or something similar
Billards
Bowling
Antique stores

There a bunch of things you could do, but what are you both willing to try or like?

Let's see. Here are a few things my H and I enjoy.

-Bowling
-Billiards at a local pool hall
-Hiking
-Museums
-Window shopping
-Hang out at the local bookstore
-Walk along the beach/pier
-Exploring local tide pools
-Bird watching

Some of these may not be available everywhere, or at all times of the year, but these are things we generally enjoy and can be tweaked for different areas/seasons.

The Recreational Companionship questionnaire is great and it has a wealth of ideas for fun and interesting dates.

The great thing about the RC questionnaire is that, besides the obvious purpose of giving you ideas for things to do and finding out what each other would like to do, is that it's a great conversation starter.

For example, "I never knew you were interested in trying archery!", or "You are interested in country & western dancing but not ballroom dancing, why is that?"

x 10

A few of our favorite things are going on weekend trips, going shopping at SAMs, and going to restaurants that are 1 to 2 hours away. When you pick destinations that are a few hours drive away, it makes for some great UA time in the drive over there and back.

The key to successful UA time is ensuring you are meeting ten top 4 intimate ENs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and rec companionship.

Yeah - I like the idea of having fun and being silly. But, my wife is having a hard time having fun and being silly with me. She is still very hurt by my (past) wayward mindset... I've only been out of "the fog" for a few short months. Being in public where there are lots of women is a huge trigger for her right now so we avoid most public places. (Reason is that I am getting over a bad habbit of looking at other women).

Y'all threw some good ideas out there. Thanks!

This article will help you become more skilled at meeting her need for affection http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html

Can your children stay overnight at a family member's or friend's house once in awhile? That would allow you other options...you could still go out to dinner or to do an activity together but you'd still be able to go home and enjoy each other's company w/o the children. Don't worry about laundry and stuff like that...it can keep. You can sleep in and go to breakfast...some R&R while still meeting ENs.

Did you stop doing that?

Do you live in an area with short hikes, nice parks, scenic mountain spots? If so, pack a picnic & take your wife. You can make it simple - pick up subs - or something more fancy - if you don't want to cook, order 2 meals to go from her favorite restaurant. Don't forget dessert, drinks, a blanket (unless you are just going to stay in the car, which is fine too).

If your wife loves dancing, take her somewhere secluded & have romantic songs already lined up on your iPod or whatever - "Lady in Red", etc. You may fumble a bit & if you aren't a dancer, get down on one knee & sincerely pledge yourself to her again. It's obvious you want her to know that you love her.

When you get control of your wandering eyes, skip work & do fun, childish things - the zoo, an amusement park, mini golf, etc. Do NOT look at another woman. The instant you do, your wife will catch it & you'll be back to square one.

It's starting to be the Christmas season so put on Christmas songs, make your wife hot cocoa (or her fav hot drink), get the laptops out, & do online Christmas shopping together. If she's into all of the craft markets, ask her if she'd like you to take her (& again if you haven't mastered controlling your eyes, don't do this) & then once you do, be agreeable & pleasant about what she is picking out.

Are any favorite shows coming up - concerts, performances at church, etc? Be proactive & seek out what she likes, but of course gauge your wandering eyes/ask her if she is comfortable with going to xyz with you now.

I don't know if you guys are religious, but doing a devotional together is great UA time!

You could research both sides of your ancestry together.

You could collect something together - antique jewelry, old bottles, minerals, etc.

Photograph nature together on a walk.

Go fishing.

Is she artistic or are you? Buy a large canvas (use a 1/2 off coupon) & paint a picture together.

Buy supplies for making chocolate covered pretzels & strawberries. Buy white chocolate, dark chocolate, wax paper, sprinkles, etc. It's simple & fun.

Are you guys into gardening/flowers? Take her to a nursery & pick out a tree together & some flowers, etc.

I don't know you or your wife, but the point is to put great thought into your special dates. In amongst the special ones, schedule ongoing UA time, consistent & scheduled - popcorn & Scrabble every Sunday night, donuts & a country drive every Saturday morning or whatever. Make a list of what you enjoy & what she enjoys & go from there.

The possibilities are endless! Carpe Diem! Leave the "bump on a log, tv watching" for when you are 90 & really tired & immobile Although I do have to say not all tv watching is bad as long as you are fulfilling your UA time elsewhere. It's fun to have a few shows/sports you watch together & enjoy.

Hi ML,


When I am out and about, I get a heightened sense of adrenaline - like a dog around a bunch of cats. I've been stimulating my brain with other women for over 3 decades now and I've really been working hard on learning to stay focused and curb that nearly-automatic response. If fact, I�m doing a 12-step program to purge this lustful demon. But my W is in a lot of pain from the damage I've done to my brain. She is trying to lose weight and meet my need for AS. We are trying to rebuild our marriage, but for both of us, it's starting to feel like dragging a dead horse around: for her because I'm still struggling with finding other women attractive and for me because I'm married to a woman who has lost almost all respect for me. So we are trying to date, but it's really hard to get the spark back in our time together: there�s so much baggage from the past that my W is no longer wanting to go out with me or even fall back in love with me for fear that � even though I�ve made progress � I won�t ever really change my habit of coveting other women(�s bodies). I appreciate all the dating ideas folks have posted here. I�ll talk them over with her and see if she�s game� but the real problem is what I said earlier. She�s losing steam in trying to rebuild our marriage while waiting for me to fully repent and re-route my neurons.

Coveting other women is not the problem, it is oogling them. Have you stopped that? I am sure most men "covet" other women, but they don't gawk at them. I am concerned when you say there is "progress" rather than saying "I DON'T DO IT ANYMORE." There is a huge difference. Progress is not effective; stopping it is.

Have you stopped doing that? Also, once you stop that, you will find your wife more attractive by virtue of the contrast effect. But it is important to not gawk EVER and to completely get out of the habit. If you only avoid it when she is there, the contrast effect will still be in play and you WILL slip up when you are with her. The habit is broken by never doing it.

And of course, any and all porn should be stopped.

"working hard" and "making progress" are weasel words.

Did you STOP IT?

ML,
Regarding weasel words: Isn't the human condition a constant struggle to change behavior? Perfection is not automatic. When I do see other women that I find attractive, I am not just sitting and staring with drool coming out of my mouth - we're talking miliseconds of noticing. The problem arises when my W isn't around; the desire to look twice and three times is intense. It's THAT desire --to want to look-- that I'm trying to kill. I am "working hard" and "making progress" at that. I am going to a 12-step program to get that desire to look out of my head. I don't think I can just one day wake up and not have that desire.