ArmyMama, thank you so much for the "list"

I think I am awful at plan A too.

I mean I lost lots of weight, my H's biggest issue with me apart from my angry bursts ( which do not exist anymore, this change came very easily to me???)
But I am still crying in front of him sometimes and keep trying to explain things logically to him ( such as OW is emotionally unbalanced- which I thought long before she became OW)

She had too many boyfriends and all of them messed up one way or the other.

The first one was a drug addict and tried to kill himself on two occassions, she has a S7 with him, then there was another guy, the one that still lives with her is in love with her and nods his head no matter what she says or does.
This guy suffers from depression, doesn't have a job, no money, no skills. He is the father of D4.

Then there was this guy super jealous to the point that he hit another father outside of kids school for staring at her fake overexposed breast.

She used to cry all the time from what I can remember. I believe she has this connection that relationship and love must equal pain as all her relationships were very complicated and caused a lot of pain to her and others.

My WH just came back from her house ( preparing to move in to one of her rooms) and told me that she broke up with him. ( AGAIN!!, third time in 10 days)

I don't know what game she is playing but it is the same one she played with the jealous guy too. I remember they used to break up three times a week! ( I know it all bc she used to visit us as a family friend).
I am sure she will take him back tomorrow.
Thankfully I am leaving soon and won't have to listen to this C**P anymore, it is exhausting.

Faithnomore: thank you for your comment. I will go ahead with 100% plan B.
I will finally go back to ice skating, something that I have been doing since I was two. Learn arabic, go salsa dancing and do milion and one courses that London has on offer.

Czarne,

It is a waste of time to try to educate your husband about the OW's shortcomings. It is obvious to everybody, except him because he is in love with her. At least, nobody at school with give her a shoulder to cry on. How obvious can it be that she is a sleazy ho.

Ask your husband to move with you to London. Tell him that it is possible for the two of you to have a romantic, passionate marriage. Tell him that the best possible environment for your daughters is to have their parents be married and in love with each other. It is possible, but he will have to agree to never see or speak with crazy, drama-queen OW again. He probably won't want to, but lay it out there anyway.

I was a figure skating mom for many years. My daughter spent her summers at Lake Placid, skating six or so hours a day. And the rest of the year, we drove all over New England to competitions. Now, she lives in Florida, hours away from the nearest rink. She can still skate, but doesn't jump much any more.

Have you started to write your plan B letter yet? When you leave, you should give it to your husband.

AM

thank you AM,
I am in the process of writing the letter. I found a lot of templates here that can guide me.
My H will not be moving to London with me, not just yet at least.
He told me he wants to stay here, he is very confused and needs time off to clear his head. He is also in love with her deeply and she is playing him big time.

To be fair I need time without him too ( is this normal????)
He will be coming for Christmas to stay with the girls and I am sure lots will change by then( as you can see the changes are coming daily...)
Tomorrow I have solicitor, but I am pretty sure he won't change his mind and will sign the paperwork.

C,
Since you have a very good plan B on board, please plan A the best you can until then. Do not show any anger. Don't talk about your feelings. Be beautiful . Compliment him and talk about HIM. It is difficult because it stands contrary to every impulse you have right now. But it can be done. You will regret it if you don't do it. If he ever finds the path to return he will remember these days. He won't remember much of the past.
Plan your steps by posting here. You are not alone!

Faithnomore
He just came back from work and asked my D10 behind my back if she'd like to stay in Spain with him. Then told me to go to the UK by myself and sort myself out.
MYSELF????
I broke down in tears as we have the papers to sign up tomorrow and I could see that he is not sure wether he can do it.
He says that I have been telling my daughters bad stuff about him ( which is not true) I just told them the truth. He says he doesn't recognize me anymore and that I am hurting the girls by telling them the truth.
My D10 asked me if daddy and OW are together and I said yes, and then if they had sex and I said yes, I think so. He has been lying all along and yesterday OW met my girls at school and spoke with D10 promising her that she has nothing to do with her father. I thought I kill her. She is putting my child against me and this will not be tolerated.
I am the mother here, she will go at some point away ( hopefully sooner than later)

I can see first hand how the love bank withdrawals work now. My bank is nearly empty. I am afraid that I cannot carry on for much longer otherwise I start hating him.

Plan A is extremely difficult. He keeps accusing me for badmouthing him and his girlfriend with my girls and keeps telling me that I am lying.
He is so lost that all right is now wrong and vice-versa. I can see anger when he speaks to me.

I just want to get out of here and I am soooo desperate for plan B.

Sorry for all you're going through. It must be horrible that he's bringing the kids in the middle of this. How long have you been in Spain? Here in the U.S., it takes six months living somewhere for jurisdiction to attach on custody issues. Will your WH be going with you to the solicitor? Make sure the solicitor represents YOU and let him worry about getting his own legal advice.

HE SIGNED!!!!!!! I am free to go now with the girls and have some peace.
He still insisted that I stay here till DEc and sort myself out, the house , finances etc.
I am desperate to go as far as I can.
I told him to sort himself out and contact me then, he asked me to give him time.
Which basically means he will be living with her and then when he gets bored/ she gets bored he will get in touch with me.... sickening.....
Nevermind, need to book my flight tickets today and start working on myself and love my girls even more.

After exposure to his mother/sister and people around, he told me I have no class.
That I said lots of bad stuff about OW ( I was upset, but I said the truth about her circumstances) and that I am hurting our girls.
I think he hates me for this.

Now I am trying to be loving, pretty, funny, praise him a lot and give all my attention whenever he is around. ( thank you faithnomore) Very difficult to do as he is completely withdrawn from me, so there is no affection towards me whatsoever.
I would kill to be able to hug, kiss, make love and laugh again :o(

How wonderful!!! You are free to recover... And free to protect your children from crazy OW, that must be a huge relief!

I sympathize with your last sentiment...I long for my H still. But he doesn't exist anymore, there is only a wayward lost soul in his place.

Czarne,

This is great news. I was really worried for you and your daughters.

Your H wants you to stay and sort things out so that you will be accessible to him every time he wants a you "fix" or a family "fix" or some sense of normalcy.

That and the other stuff about you having no class and hurting the children is typical wayward talk. One time, after H contacted OW and I had talked with OWH about it, my H said, "Why don't you just leave those poor people alone"? I looked at him like he was crazy (he was) and laughed. They don't hear themselves say crazy things and afterwards, my husband did not remember half of it. He mostly remembered feeling miserable, very little of what he said/did.

From now until you leave, look good, smell good, avoid disrespect and anger, and meet whatever needs he will allow. Does he have a favorite food? Does he have a favorite place you and he used to go? with or without the children?

There are some experts here with plan B letters. If you post yours, I am certain you will get some ideas/comments.

AM

About OW parents: he said " what if her poor father had a heart attack?" My reply: What if YOUR mother had a heart attack? What if my mother? Or my father had a heart attack? Why should they be protected? Besides OW father thanked me for the truth.

About raising the kids to not pay attention to infidelity: I asked him: One day at your DD wedding you are going to take her aside and tell her what? That when a problem arises in her marriage or if her spouse becomes sick or any other difficulty, she should abandon him and look for another man? That it is OK to do that?

He is very upset with me about telling the girls the truth that he had/is having an affair. He said I did it on purpose to make my D10 hate him ( which really hurts me that he thinks so)
I emailed and read out loud excerpts from MB where exposure to children is mentioned, he listened and I hope some of it sank in.

He said I should have said it in a very delicate way. I don't know how can you say nicely that your father is leaving a family because he selfishly decided that his happiness( temporary) is more important than working on an existing R with two small children?? Is there a way to put it "nicely" into words?
I also told him that he is not protecting our daughters, he is protecting himself.

I think she broke up with him again, he is very sad and miserable. I also think he hates me right now.

ArmyMama: I am doing my best with plan A, cooked him his fav curry yesterday but he didn't even bother to thank.

Faithnomore: I asked this question many times before. If one day our D comes to him and tells him about M problems and she has children, would he just tell her to move on to the next guy? Why bother, just leave the family and search for something better??? He couldn't answer.

I would love to hug him and touch him all the time. Seeing him so lost and in pain really breaks my heart. I hate him one minute, I love him the other.

He said that I know he cannot live without his girls and therefore I am forcing him to move to London even though he doesn't want to live there.
I am off on Mon, wish it was Mon already.

Dr Harley on radio on telling children : http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3695

Czarne,

This is typical wayward talk. A good MB comment in these kinds of exchanges is "Yes, dear. I know you are upset. Would you like a potato chip?" and then change the subject.

Think of walking into a crack house and turning on the light. Everyone gets really annoyed that they can't continue on getting their fix in secret. Real life has come crashing in on the fantasy and your husband doesn't like it.

It sounds as if you did a good job at disrupting the affair. There is trouble in their relationship and H had not even moved in yet. The best thing that could happen is that he follow you to London. That offers the best chance to withdraw from the OW, commit to no contact and recover the marriage.

If your H ever comes to his senses, he probably will not remember much of these exchanges. He may remember parts of you being the "lighthouse" for him. If he becomes like many waywards and does remember some things, he will be profoundly embarassed.

Stay the course. Plan A until next week and then give him the Plan B letter and go into Plan B.

AM

He just came back from work and said he wanted to talk.
When I hear that I dread, he has a different idea every day.
He told me he wants to go to London with us to be close with the girls, I thought great, he broke up with her.
But wait, the best is to come......
he wants to come with us but stay separated from me and continue with her!!!
On top of this he asked if he could stay with my cousin with me and the girls. He is sick!!!!
And he has no money, no job in London, I have no idea how this crazy idea came to his mind.
Apparently he spoke with OW and she told him to go to be close to his children, I am assuming she will be waiting.

I said that I needed a break from him and this is absolutely crazy to move to London with no job and no money. He is also the last person I need around there.
Gosh, I am getting really exhausted with this situation.
He got upset and said that he thought I would be happy??????

I don't know if I really want this guy back anymore.
Apart from being a father of my girls there is pretty much nothing left in me....

My first reaction was LOL! How crazy can they be? How can you abstain from this madness? Can you just be an observer with no feelings whatsoever ? This would be ideal. But I know you can't because little children are involved.

I think he would be ideal for a perfectly executed plan A, but I can see he is driving you crazy. So measure your strength. Pretend that you do not hear him, because tommorow there will be something else. Just wait until the day you leave, and let him make the decision.

czarne. WH and OW just want to keep up "appearances" while at the same time you finance the affair.

Don't let him distract you. You have more control and power here than you may realize.

Czarne,

More crazy wayward talk. They really are like aliens, you know. Don' actually call him crazy though. That would be a disrespectful judgement. Instead, respond with something like,
"Dear, you can live anyplace you like, but you cannot stay with me as long as you are in contact with your skanky sex adultery partner. It is profoundly insulting to me for you to ask. Would you like a potato chip (or other snack)?". Smile when you say it.

Then, "Dear, if you really want me to be happy, stop your adulterous affair with OW." And call it like it is, immoral adultery.

Your husband is primed to give up this affair. He is in a huge amount of turmoil. Stay the course and don't lose your temper or call him names.

Finally, with this OW's history, it won't be long until she moves on to someone else or goes back with the baby daddy that is still living in her house. This is particularly true if your husband is far away.


AM

Have you posted your Plan B letter for feedback? I went back and could not find one.

Faithnomore, he said that he is doing it for the girls!!! I cannot listen anymore to his B**S**
Head in the clouds and no connection with reality. And convinced that this woman is the love of his life and they are made for each other and that it will last.....
She is a very emotional person ( cries all the time) not really down to earth, always tragically in love. Well, I wish them good luck.
Maybe I am wrong and they are really made for each other.


Pokerface: Spot on, this is exactly what I was thinking, me sponsoring his affair.
I have been supporting him for a while now and he is continuously broke and keeps dreaming about hitting it big with his MLM! I don't have anything against MLM but my WH is a dreamer and he is not very successful.

I miss the times when a lovely guy would ask me out to a nice restaurant and treat me to a wonderful dinner....

Also I was thinking that if he sorts himself financially, he can always come and live in London, however his affair could last decades!
I'd rather have him living with her and experience first hand reality of her kids, mother and ex-boyfriend all under one roof!

This is becoming more abstract everyday....

At one point, both OWH and I said that OW and my H were perfect for each other. OWH told my H that if he wanted OW to come and get her. Of course, H declined. He just wanted her on the side, like your H wants you and his family with OW on the side. Very typical wayward in the fog.

AM