Hi I was a member here quite a few years ago. I don't remember what my name was then so I had to create a new account. Anyway, I have been dealing with issues in my marriage for many years and it seems things would get better for a time then go right back to square one.

I have overcome and forgiven him cheating, lying and physical and mental abuse. Earlier this year I left. I left him a letter and asked him not to call me but given the unexpected way I left I told him I would read his emails if he needed to for business purposes. Of course he tried calling but I did not answer. He finally would text if he needed something. He has never mentioned me coming back or us working on our 32+year marriage.

He did tell quite a few people that I was not thinking right and when I was I would come back.

I went back this summer to get some of my stuff and told him then if hr wanted to talk he could call and I would talk now. Haven't had one single call from him.

I have been through pure agony with all of this and feel like something is really broken in me. I don't know what it is or how to fix it. I saw a counselor before I left and she advised me to leave. I have been through divorce care at a church and am going through it a second time right now.

I know I need to probably see a professional counselor for depression and the extremely low self esteem and low confidence level.

I have not filed for divorce yet but it is probably not far off. I got married for life but I don't think I can ever go back. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to have a normal relationship with him or anyone else

Emotional and mental abuse does so much damage that people don't see and you yourself don't even realize is happening.

Honestly I don't even know why I am on this forum. I just feel so spent, used up and lost that I don't know where to turn or how to begin to heal. I can not even apply things to fix this marriage until I myself get fixed.

If anyone has any advice on where to start I would love to hear it. Maybe I should not be on this site at all because I have no desire to try again just don't know how to get past all of the heartache of ending it.

Welcome back.

Sorry for your continued pain. He will continue this if you remain in contact. Have you thought about going into a proper Plan B?
How to Plan B Correctly

I think, protecting yourself financially (having knowledge of what your joint assets are and where they are and protecting them from pillaging) and a proper Plan B (as mentioned in other reply are your best bet to be emotionally healthy in the future.

No doubt........sorrow about marriage is tough on anyone. Anyone.

CTS,

I'm glad I read your post. I will pray for you directly after I finish telling you that people here do understand the pain, the self-doubt, the diminished-self that years of marrital strife inflict.

You are heart-sick and worn out. I am so sorry. I hear in your post the hopelesness and the feeling of having wasted your life. If I understand you, part of the grief is looking at years of wasted life and wasted efforts and unappreciated sacrifice.
This is one of the most painful things a woman experiences if her marriage is broken.

God preserve and protect you.

CTS,

I'm glad I read your post. I will pray for you directly after I finish telling you that people here do understand the pain, the self-doubt, the diminished-self that years of marrital strife inflict.

You are heart-sick and worn out. I am so sorry. I hear in your post the hopelesness and the feeling of having wasted your life. If I understand you, part of the grief is looking at years of wasted life and wasted efforts and unappreciated sacrifice.
This is one of the most painful things a woman experiences if her marriage is broken.

God preserve and protect you.

You need Plan B.

By leaving the door open to contact, it meant you were actively waiting. Waiting for an abuser, one whom you love, is agonising.

You need to end all forms of contact. Change all contact details so he can't reach you. You need to close the door and lock it tightly shut. I mean you shouldn't so much as read his horoscope, or listen to any gossip about him, even.

Get an intermediary for business dealings and let lawyers handle the divorce.

Do not communicate with this abuser, who finds neglect a worthy aim, again unless through the IM.

Read the link in my sig to prepare for Plan B. Choose a level headed, neutral friend for an IM, and have them read the intermediary training thread.

A good IM will not tell you what he is or even what he isnt saying. She will only tell you when he has been committed enough to come up with a plan of action to heal you, such as an NC letter, polygraph and MB conditions.

Anything less than that, she won't tell you: so your mind has no choice but to stop waiting and let him go.

Thank you so much. Your post rang so true. I have a couple of people who don't know either one of us advising me and it has helped so much. The common advice I get from everyone is to have no contact at all. I do not respond to him when he does email me however he then calls my son where I am staying and tells him to tell me to check my mail. It is upsetting to even get them tho so I will change my contact info

I just found out that he is moving my oldest son and his wife to az(where I am) next week. He is planning to visit our other children while here. I am living with one of them and I plan on being not home while he is here. I realize it is over and I am hurt that he doesn't seem to care. I'm not sure he ever has cared in a healthy, normal way. I think I am just a possession to him.

For him to do anything on his part to fix this, he would have to admit to himself that he was partially at fault (I accept my part of the problem). I don't think he will or even can.

I am ready to start living again and not sit around waiting. I know if he said and did all the right things I am beyond it. He has been this way too long too be able to change in the short amount of time its been.

I care about him and hope he gets some help but I won't be a part of it. It's who he is. I can only work on myself at this point and I don't have enough energy to even think about anything else.

I have a lot of recovery and rebuilding of myself and my life. Today at least, I finally feel hopeful. It's amazing how free you feel when you give up and let it go.

I can say this...when you are struggling and going down, make sure what you grab hold of and cling to is a life saver and not part of the sinking ship!

Thank you so much for the kind words. They help more than you may realize.

Everything thing you said is so true! I am grieving a loss of a lot of things. It's very hard but I will survive. I hate emotional pain so much. There is no pain pill you can take to even get a short reprieve from it. It feels like you're going to die from it and sometimes wish you could but I have to work through this and come out on the other side a healthy,happier, stronger person. Thank you for caring and praying. It means a lot when people care.

I feel strongly for you CTS.

I know the feeling of emptiness when you cannot believe the other half of your life just doesn't care.

If giving up is the best solution for you then run with it, find peace and be happy.

I am praying for your peace to grow and for you to enjoy your life.

Thank you very much. I am trying very hard to do just that. I can't change the past, I just have to find the strength and way to heal and become a productive happy person again!

Well a lot has happened since I was here last. H showed up at sons house where I am living. I found out he was coming a few days before and had planned on being gone but it didn't work out that way. Anyway I am much better emotionally than I was. A friend also sent me a couple of books that have really helped me to understand things better. He was only here for a couple of days but I was as stressed out as I have ever been in my life I think. I got sick the day he left and am finally feeling just a little better. I think I have the flu as it is something dreadfully miserable but I think the reason I got so sick was because I was so stressed. It wasn't so hard when he left. In fact I couldn't wait for him to be gone. I feel so nervous and stressed out around him. I still hope he gets some help but have to focus on my recovery right now. It's a hard thing to learn to let go when it's not what your used to and not what you wanted.

You can't control his actions. You can only control how you respond to them.
You are allowing some of this to happen because you keep opening the door to contact.
Please consider plan B as mentioned above.
Also you need to file for divorce in order to ensure that you have a fair share of the marital assets (retirement etc). Please visit an attorney asap