AM
yes, he is an alien, I mean the shell looks the same ( gorgeous latino man, 11years on I still find him super sexy!) but inside his head there is not much left....
I don't call him names, never ever in plan A ( I do so in my head :o)

I told him delicately that his idea is slightly out of order.... well unrealistic, with no money he would need to relay on friends and you know London's apartments are so tiny that in five steps you walk across the living room, kitchen and the bathroom.
He cannot be burden to anybody for too long, this is just plain rude!
He replied that I wanted him to go with me to London and I said yes, right after you finish with that B***
then he went immediately upstairs and called his phenomenal GF to consult his next psychotic step for tomorrow....
The funny thing is that he believes that his ideas are good....

Sometimes I think that he is doing whatever he can NOT to move in with her.

I agree that he wants his family and her on the side. I don't know if he wants ME at all, but definitely our daughters and obviously OW on the side.

Pokerface,
haven't posted my letter yet, need to finish it soon, I am leaving on Monday. Truly cannot wait, still a few days to go and billion and one things can happen ( and probably will)

Well, WHs want their nice wife and home life and the OW. You're part of that package in his mind.

He is negotiating with you in order to keep OW in the picture and maintain the status quo. That's a common wayward ploy. Be very placid and calm and explain briefly why that isn't going to work: "I'm sorry, WH, but continuing your affair in my presence is more than I can bear, and is unhealthy for our children."

Mbliss,
this is exactly what I say to him, that the situation is emotionally unbearable for me, I don't think I can take it anymore and the environment is very toxic for our girls.
Especially with OW in between telling my D10 ( while crying) that she has nothing to do with her father...

I need to be strong and keep control over this madness!

We were packing all the stuff to move out and I saw him staring at me, then he went to the bathroom and cried like a baby. I feel for him, pity... he is so lost.
He said again that he wants to live with love. I replied that I believe with all my heart that it can be achieved with hard work and commitment, but also that he knows my position on OW.
He said again he cannot leave her... and that he needs time.
I replied that I hope not too long, wouldn't like to get to the point that it is too late for us as so much damage had been done.
I told him that I love him very much and care about him more than about any other man in this world. (this is not very plan A) but I could not stop myself,
We hugged and I kissed him all over his face, miss him sooo much!

Then he is really shooting himself in the foot. Love is not sustainable except in a relationship that does the right things. Waywards will not do those things. It takes marriage, it takes a buyer's commitment, it takes protecting each other.

If he wants to live with love, he is going in absolutely the wrong direction.


Well, then he can't have love, if that is what he wants. He is destroying and losing the person he vowed to protect and to cherish, and the only person on the planet who can give him lasting love.

Thank you markos.
Very wise words, will share it with my WH tonight.
Even though I don't think he can see a difference between love and lust at the moment.

It sounds like a perfect Plan A to me. Post A, my H talked about the lost feeling and how lonely he was. He never wants to go back there again.

AM

Thank you AM,
I just followed my instincts.... maybe I can drag him to bed next time :o)
After all I need to meet his EN if he allows me to.

And I do agree with you here, I thought that once I am out of the picture and let him carry on with the affair/ leave with the girls he should be happy to be able to live hassle free lifestyle with OW. Instead I see him so miserable and lost all the time. He doesn't smile at all and seems as if all his spirit has left him....

When I am physically gone ( we are still in the same house till Monday when I am leaving for the UK) so when I am gone, he will be extremely lonely. I am sure of that.
Not only bc of me but mainly the girls which are his whole world.
I bet with my friend that by summer he is back with us in London.
Just hoping I am not too positive .....

I have a question that has been bothering me for a while.
After my WH moves in with OW, lives with her happily for 6-18months and the affair dies natural death, will he have to adhere to NC policy?

I understand that if OW breaks up, then he will, however if they just drift apart and won't have any feelings left for each other? What then?
Thank you for all your input.

No contact is for life. Your husband must commit to never seeing, talking to, or contacting OW forever before you take him back. Otherwise, there is a chance of the affair rekindling. Even if he didn't love her anymore, any contact with her is an affront and insulting to you.

In our case, I think H had fond feelings for OW for a very long time. I don't know what he thinks now, or even if he does. She is no longer a part of our relationship and marriage. We never talk about her. Rarely, we talk about the affair, if my H brings it up. It is always in the context of how stupid he was.

AM

AM

He is realizing the loss in his life, because of his selfish behaviors. He's realizing that his selfishness is going to have repercussions that will be painful for him. Reality is starting to intrude into the fog.

So let him cry. He knows there's a way to end this pain of his. Yep, because he's addicted. This statement is normal. He is terrible conflict right now. And that is exactly where he should be. I think this is a beautiful Plan A action

He wants time.

Time where you pretend everything is okay and he can have you both, and nothing is HARD and he doesn't have to consider your feelings because this is so hard!!

czarne. Following the Plan will give you the best chances. You do not want him back unless he is COMMITTED to NC for LIFE and COMMITTED to your conditions for recovery.


Waywards love the drama of breaking up and getting back together again.



The Plan B letter is a crucial step which explains the road back home for WH. I am worried that you have not even written it yet.


Have you taken the steps to be able to go completely dark?

Pokerface,
yes, absolutely, she broke up with him countless times b4 and keeps pulling him back in. I have taken the steps for planB. My IM will be my cousin in the UK, will be contacting him only by email, phone calls in case of emergency only.
My letter is nearly ready and I have my wedding ring to give back ( with a request to put it on my finger when he really means it)

I know he will be calling daily to speak with the girls, but I can simply leave the room.
My question is: my daughters will surely pass messages from him to me, how can I avoid it?
Should I tell them that I don't want any info regarding their father ( and definitely NO info on OW?)
Also, I am obviously not ready to date/ don't want to date, but have several good male friends from Uni, If in touch with them, I wouldn't like my girls to tell their father that I have somebody in my life ( you know, my D10 talks a lot....)
I am not the type to make my husband jealous, don't like those games.
I am worried that he might give up on us once he feels there is another man involved.
What do you think?

Uh, don't even THINK about dating until after your divorce (if you divorce). That's a big slice of pie that you want no part of.

Yes...and that goes for everyone else also.

How can you expect your WH to uphold certain standards (i.e. not dating others while married) if you are not willing to uphold them yourself?

Thank you karmasrose, I am not interested in dating at all at the moment. This would complicate my life even more ( if thats possible).

My WH has been cold the entire day, really moody and irritated.
Very difficult to do plan A when he is like this.
tomorrow he is taking the girls to a birthday party and the OW will be there with her kids too, so my girls will get a chance to say "good bye" to her.
I won't go obviously because I might set this B*** on fire with birthday candles!
Will make sure that this is the last time she is in contact with my girls for a very long time....

My best friend came over today and we both cried our eyes out. It's so difficult to leave behind people that you love.
No matter how tough it gets, I have a gut feeling that it is all for the better.
I have suffered from depression for three years since we moved from the UK to Spain.
Strangely enough the minute my life was turned upside down I somehow managed to wake up and get into action.
I don't feel depressed or down ( probably the pills :O) but have a lot of plans already and really looking forward moving back to London.
I also cannot wait to start my plan B.
I understand it much better now, I feel that I will be able to do it for MYSELF and not for getting him back.

Pokerface, thank you for your comment.
It will be tricky with my girls, I am sure they will get very excited about all the news about their friends, our cats and daddy ( and OW).
Will need to find a delicate/gentle way of telling them not to share it with me.

Also valid point with dating while still in R.
This is the last thing on my mind at the moment,
REally hurts me that my H told me I am free to go and move on with my life.
He said that I should enjoy my freedom as much as he is enjoying his. He meant men.
He keeps suggesting that I had an affair with my old boyfriend and doesn't believe me that I didn't. We went out in a group of old high school friends, had too much too drink and we kissed.
When I came back home I told my H what happened and apologized. I have never seen this guy again and deleted his tel nr and changed my email.
Now my H is on and on about it, mentioned it three times in four days, I think he is trying to make me feel guilty too.

I know that you don't really intend to date...but just stick to the PLAN and don't let WH distract you. If you do a really good PLAN B, it will remove you from this drama and bring you peace and control.

Have you read this thread?
Getting ready for Plan B