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A week ago I discovered my wife has been having an affair for about 2 months. My wife wanted to meet with a counselor on her own before we went to couples counseling. That counselor recommended that the uncovering of the affair is so new that my wife needs to let reality set in some and let the dust settle and sort through some feelings before we go to a couples counselor. Does this sound right?
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Bobby619,
Counseling is a waste of money if the affair is still going on, has she ended ALL! contact with the OM?
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 10/26/12 05:22 PM.
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A week ago I discovered my wife has been having an affair for about 2 months. My wife wanted to meet with a counselor on her own before we went to couples counseling. That counselor recommended that the uncovering of the affair is so new that my wife needs to let reality set in some and let the dust settle and sort through some feelings before we go to a couples counselor. Does this sound right? Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here. Who is OM? Is he married? Who have you told? Read this. Exposure 101
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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The guy she cheated with was married with a child. I exposed to his wife, she then told everyone is his job, my wife and I friends know and some of her family. I have confronted the other guy on 2 occasions and the affair is supposed to be completely over. My wife is now "confused" and has so many emotions she says. I told her if she doesn't want to make it work then leave. She says she is not sure what she wants and wont end it. Is there just so many things right now going though her head with getting exposed and the affair coming to an end and can't think rationally right now? Should I give her a little space to come to terms? The Therapist recommend to hold off a little while before couples counseling till emotions sink in. What should I do. I don't want to end it, but I don't want to push her to hard either and drive her away.
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Has she ended all contact with the OM? Does she work with the OM?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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... I exposed to his wife, she then told everyone is his job, my wife and I friends know and some of her family.
Have you personally verified each instance of her telling someone about her affair? And do you know what she told them?
I'm asking you this because if all you're going on is her word, then, since she's wayward, you do realize that her mere word re: whom she told or what she told 'em isn't worth a puddle of cold spit. You know that, right? (Speaking to you as a former wayward myself, you'd better believe me on this.)
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Have you told her parents and your parents? And if so, have they spoken to her? Do you have children and if so, do they know?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I know all of all friends know because I told them. Everyone at his job knows, because his wife went to his job. All our friends are my side on this one, even the girls. Her mother has passed, but no I haven't told her dad. I think at this point it will distance her more. We do have children, they are 4, and 6. So a little to young to understand. No she does not work with the OM. she meet him at the gym. The OM wife works at the gym, so I don't think he is going there and my wife hasn't gone yet to my knowledge. Like I said before, I talked to him and he said he screwed up his life, my wife was a mistake and he promises that he will never talk,email,txt. He wants nothing to do with her and try and fix his life.
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So, what does it mean when you say "She says she is not sure what she wants and wont end it."?
I mean, if the OM says it's over, what is there for your wife to not end?
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I would speak to her dad and ask for his suppport. Ask him to speak to her and support her in working on your marriage. I would strongly advice you to avoid "couples counseling" because it is so destructive to marriages. They have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal rate the general population. They don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. If you want to save your marriage, certain things have to happen. I will post what it takes below, but I would urge you to get the book Survivng an Affair by Dr Bill Harley. It has a step by step program that will transform your marriage: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The OM wife works at the gym, so I don't think he is going there and my wife hasn't gone yet to my knowledge. Yet? Did you demand that she end all contact for life? Dr Harley recommends that the betrayed spouse DEMAND the WS end all contact for life and follow these instructions: "My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent." [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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. She says she is not sure what she wants and wont end it. I am confused. How can she not end it if the OM won't see her and his wife will not tolerate it? Does your wife know that you won't tolerate any contact with the OM?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Are the two of you legally married?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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... but no I haven't told her dad. I think at this point it will distance her more. Bobby, I'm really sorry this has happened to you. 18 months ago I was where you are right now. You are getting excellent, expert advice here from MelodyLane and Markos and others. Two things about your story caught my attention because they are similar to mine. The first is her dad. Trust me when I tell you that YOU have to go tell him the entire story in YOUR words. And you have to do it NOW before she does. Because when she eventually tells him her version of the story she is going to crucify you. She's going to slander and vilify you. She will reinvent the history of your marriage. And guess what? Your father in law is going to be believe EVERY word she tells him and your relationship with him will be all but destroyed no matter what he hears after that. You need to expose to him and anyone else in her family so that you can turn them into allies instead of enemies. Because if you don't expose they will very likely become your enemies in the long battle you have ahead. Do NOT worry for 5 seconds that you are going to jeopardize your marriage by telling her father, or anyone else for that matter. It's counterintuitive but you need to trust what everyone here is telling you about exposure. I did it WRONG and suffered big time. 18 months later the damage to relationships with her relatives (caused by HER and by my mistaken belief that I shouldn't have said anything) is still putting our marriage in jeopardy. My second piece of advice for you is this: RUN do not walk away from marriage counselors. As Melody just told you, you can safely bet that no matter what counselor you found, or how highly they came recommended, they WILL cause 100X more damage to your wife and to your marriage than good. The "marriage counselor" we saw after D-day nearly caused us to divorce. It was that bad. I'm still considering legal action against the counselor for the unbelievable things she did and said. The good news is that there are absolute experts available to help you through the Marriage Builders coaching center. They are more like strategists and expert tutors than counselors. Don't spend another dollar on BS marriage counselors. Do whatever you can do to block and/or prevent your WW from going back to the one she is already seeing because that counselor will ultimately persuade your wife to divorce you. Really. Be strong and prepare yourself for an ordeal that is going to go on for at least a year, maybe more. It's a long hard road but you can navigate your way through the mine field with help from the veterans on this forum. Oh, start listening to the MB radio show every day as you drive to work etc... It will make you feel better and put you on the fast track to understanding what to do and what not to do. Fight the good fight.
BH (Me): 50
WW (Her): 44
Married 22 years
DD15, DD10
D-Day) 3/18/11
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