I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.

As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.

In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.

Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Wow, what a mess! please read this and tell me what you think. More later...

You would think that If a married woman was having an affair she would have enough sense to use a condom.
Unless she wanted to get pregnant.

Thanks all for the the support. I know for a fact there is no need for a DNA test. In fact I am her husband for the last 12 years and we have 3 boys together, and have been in Afghanistan since March. She just found out last week that she was pregnant. I found out from one my soldiers wife that she wanted to work things out, and what I can tell from that conversation and the days, it was before she found out she was pregnant. Yes she said she didn't mean it and she was carefull. But we all know things can happen. No I can't get a girl pregnant anymore cause I have had the surgery!