In addition to telling your DD who the OM is, I would instruct her to call you if the OM is ever around so you can come get her. Tell your wife that your DD is to never be exposed to her filthy, sordid affair. The risk of child molestation goes way up when little girls are exposed to these guys. Your DD needs to be protected from him.

Agreed, he has morals and values that children shouldn't be exposed too. Only man you wants or lusts after a married woman is a despicable, worthless trash of a human being. Your DD doesn't have the power to fight that influence because she is young and malleable it's your job as a parent to protect her from that and let her know that what mommy is doing isn't right nor is it normal.

So I had a talk with a mutual friend (mutual family actually) who knows the story and both of us. She asked if the W had a moment of weakness (oddly a word my wife would use, they have been talking) how would I ever be able to forgive, or not resent her. I spoke of my own personal growth over the last couple months and some of the basic ideas of reconciliation. She then almost blurted out, "she doesn't even talk to that guy anymore". So the A is dead, or hidden, or she's covering. But what i got out of the conversation was the W made her mind up, with the A, and now is too stubborn to come home. the friend agreed if she wanted a D she could have been an adult, instead of making such a mess. Friend also said the W has such daddy issues and is emotionally fragile (something I haven't helped since the first EA wasn't dealt with properly)

This somehow let the anxiety of the OM go a bit, and even tho I am still NC (mostly get to it shortly) I feel that some positivity towards her would be good. I just don't know where to start, she has blocked me out form her emotional needs, so I don't want to say the wrong thing. My NC breaker was after we got home from the friends' house, the daughter was asleep from the ride and I put her to bed. The W returned her call 30 minutes later (an hour past when the kid called) I answered for some reason, told her she was asleep, then I recounted how much we would have liked the W to be with us that day. My daughter had also thanked me for teaching her to skate at the skatepark, which I shared.

Now, she "could" be out with some OM, but I doubt it (the OM in question lives 1500 miles away). I am looking for a place to start a Plan A I guess. I may re send an email I wrote outlining why I want to be married to her, but I also don't want to push her away, or "friend" zone her!

Do I say I love you's? A letter? She has detached and gone NC with me as well, so i don't want to be the annoying husband here! I have seen more and more online stuff (FB, Etsy etc,) with the Wife statement pulled and divorce comments being made.

the fact that our friend even said "if the W was weak and came home", made me realize it's probably been talked about, and my W can be VERY stubborn.

I would try hard to not be annoying and focus on being as pleasant as possible. I don't really believe the affair is over though.

I don't fully believe either, since it's long distance EA, but I'm sure i put a huge dent in it!

That's my reason for posting here, to see what this type of non verifiable situation warrants. I filed, I can't take lying to my face or my child, and I can own anything I have done at this point. I can see my faults in our marriage, but I've realized now that it's on the table, divorce seems like the worst option. She has threatened it in the past, so I went ahead and gave her what she wants since she wouldn't drop OM when I gave her the option. Part of the reason I did the 180.

Now I'm second guessing my approach a bit. She hasn't reached out at all, even about the kid (which is scary) so she's either still in withdrawal from the OM or still in contact.

She is still in contact. The best you can do is be as pleasant as possible when she does contact you.

Yep. She's either covering for WW or WW has lied to her. She's still in contact with OM. Count on it.

sooo, that's my feeling, but the W left a very sweet msg for me, asking to talk to the kid. total change of tone.

BUT the moon is full tonight, and she and the OM had some sappy "if the moon s full we can see each other" bs going on. I'll see how she acts tonight on the phone with the kid. I have to see her twice this week, which is odd, and other reason for posting.

what, exactly, besides being "pleasant" constitutes a Plan A? Especially if she's opened up emotionally to another man and is rejecting my "need filling" seemigly even if I'm filling her needs...

EDIT do I try to trump the OM and talk to her about it tonight? We used to sit out and watch it together, and did when she met him, with him (arrggghh) or do i continue the 180 and NC? what a mess!

You keep filling her needs no matter what, until you feel you can't do it any longer and you realize it's time for Plan B. You have exposed, right? You've done all the other Plan A stuff?

I don't know all the Plan A stuff, that's why I'm asking. I feel like what I knew won't cut it, since she's been withholding. Is the full Plan A in surviving and affair or His needs/her needs? I've read a million different things, I feel like I could be a marriage counselor at this point, just not for mine!

All you can do now is be as pleasant and attractive as possible. This is a marathon, not a 2 day program.


We already told you to stop this. You can't compete if you give a detached wife the cold shoulder. I assure you the OM is not giving her the cold shoulder! Unless your goal is to make the OM look better by comparison, I would abandon that plan.

sorry, wasn't clear there. I meant, if I feel like calling and talking do I? Without pestering? even if she is giving me the NC too?
that's what I'm asking.

I just got off the phone, D was in trouble, wouldn't tell me why, W was mad, and using MY phone time as a consequence. Not to happy about that one.

So, how do I reach out and not look needy? or is this just a firm, I love my family, and I want you part of it? Or is it just the little things - for a while I would say sweet dreams to her via text (i would say it when she would fall asleep early, or after kissing her goodnight.)

sorry, I don't have a clear take on this except that I'm headed for divorce!

Slow down!

180 is ineffective. Cut it out and quit asking about it.

Plan A:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725

I'm asking about plan A not the 180. I also specifically asked what book it is written about in, and have not had an answer on either.

Wait a minute, you did ask about the 180.


Plan A is in the book, Surviving an Affair.

A good description of Plan A is here:



The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1

ahh, yes, asked to continue or what to use for Plan A instead. Any more advice on that note? I'll be buying the book this week, altho I am running out of time to read, this single dad/business/home owner stuff takes a toll all by yourself.

Thanks for that, posted while I was posting!

EDIT: Does Plan A include me reaching out to her to talk, as she has moved out and "wants" to divorce and be on her own (although living at her parents isn't on her own) or do I leave it at waiting for her to contact me? That's where I'm unsure, and have stayed NC. Kinda treading water right now, if you will.

Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Thanks, both. I just read thru that. Got more of a feel for it now. we'll see how this week pans out with halloween (I have the kid, no disc. of sharing/coming along) a parent conference thurs and a friends wedding Fri! Interested to see how her attitude is, is she's really prickly I'll know the OM is there. Any other signs to watch for?