Phone conversations are not effective UA time because you can't meet the 4 intimate emotional needs. You can only meet conversation. Besides that, it is dangerous to talk on your phone and drive. It has been outlawed in many jurisdictions.

Thanks for the feedback Markos and Melody! Sounds like phone time is a poor choice for UA.

I suppose, say in a military marriage where one spouse is deployed for months at a time overseas, phone time is about the best you can hope for, and you'd have to recognize that only intimate conversation could be met that way.

Wait, it wouldn't be optimal, but I guess phone sex together could be a way of partially meeting the need for sexual fulfillment. Not optimal, but maybe better than not at all.

Which explains why divorce is epidemic in military marriages.

Hi Scootcher,

I can identify with your post for several reasons. My H and I also married very young, started our family young, raised a child with special needs (though emotional, not physical) and my H works long hours.

My H was DEFINATELY not ready for marriage, or a family either. He continued with tons of independent behaviour, and wanted to party like a rock star, while I sat home. This created years of resentment! In our early years, I would feel so alone in my marriage, and would occasionally try to tag along, but the activities were not to my liking at all, nor did I enjoy the people he was with.

My H did eventually grow out of this behaviour...phew! In our case my H behaviour also had to do with the fact that he had an addiction issue, it took a while for me to understand that this was not just a young guy that wanted to "party" on the weekends. Do you think your H could have an addiction issue?

My H and I have been through so much throughout our marriage (basically you name it, it happened, no joke :() that I eventually went into complete withdrawal, our marriage was a complete mess and to be honest, I saw no hope, didn't want to even fix it, and was just waiting to finish raising our children, and leave.

We have turned our marriage around, I never expected that. UA time IS the key. My H and I are complete opposites also, and I had no idea how we could make that work with his long hours, he works 6 days a week, and lack of common interests, and even some resistance to the idea on my part.

I thought it had to be some big complicated outing, and to be honest I wasn't enthusiastic about that. I asked for some suggestions here, I liked the more simple ideas. For us going out to dinner, drives, shopping and auctions are good choices that we both enjoy.

I had always had my kids come first above everything else. I have discovered that they actually didn't burst into flames when I make time for my marriage! If you have a choice between chores or spending UA time with your H, the chores can wait. I used to enjoy spending quite a bit of time on the phone, talking to everyone but my H. Now I talk to him more then anyone else.

I suggest you sit your H down and be honest about your feelings. Tell him you are not happy in your M, and make a PLAN with him to correct this and schedule UA time. I was surprised to see that was all it took to get my H on board.