Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5
B
Baxie Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5
We have been married only 9 weeks. This past saturday night I went to pick her up at a bar after she was out drinking for Halloween. She sounded upset on the phone and when I got there she was sitting with her friend. I could tell that she was crying and when she got in she said " I can't do this anymore, I think I love him" talking about the best guy friend. Needless to say she was pretty drunk and I took her home and put her to bed. The next day (yesterday) we had a conversation about it.

We have been to counseling a coupletimes. The last time about a three weeks ago, was very enlightening to me. In regards to the fact that I haven't been as physically there giving her the attention she deserved. This has been an issue in the past, and I didn't really make an effort to express how I feel towards her. The counselor told us we both express love in different ways. Her physically, and me as a provider. After that session a few weeks ago, I turned it on and it was a natural feeling. I have been so much more in love her now because of it. It felt as if she wasnt exceping it. It was what she has been wanting, and for some reason I wasn't doing it. I'm not sure why because she is a beautiful and honest woman.

Now it is Monday night, we went to a counseling meeting this afternoon. While we were there explaining the situation. I said " she told me she thinks she is in love with him (her best friend) her reply was " no I am in love with him" this hurts so much to hear. I have been trying and she acknowledges it. She just says she doesn't want it from me anymore. I have asked her if it has become physical and she insist no it hasn't been anything like that. Then I asked her I she has been thinking about having that with him. She didn't answer and I asked if she wanted to "make love to him" her reply was yes. This hurts so much I can't stand the thought of her and anyone else.

Now in fairness to her she has been trying to get my attention for the past 2 years. I was expressing my love in the way I thought, protecting her and giving her a home. I'm not trying to blame myself now, because what she has been doing is wrong. Her best friend told her in the past that he loved her, she told me there nothing I should ever worry about. I trusted her so I figured that was that. They work together and see eachother all the time. During the counseling session I said she needed to cut off the contact with him. She is hesitant to say she will.

Back to Monday night, we decided that I should give her some time to think. She says she is just confused and doesn't want to give up with our family... A 4 year old, that is hers but I have been in the picture since he was 1and a half. I'm staying here tonight and then I'll be leaving her in the house to think for a few days.

While we were talking on Monday night, she also told me that she went out for coffee with an ex boyfriend. Also went out to dinner with a different friend( that told her he loved her years ago). I'm guessing she was doing this to get attention and feel wanted. This is when she turned to her friend and started to accept his love. I feel horrible and haven't eaten in 2 days. I don't know what to do, I really love her and want to continue this new found love for her. It's killing me thinking about not being with her.

She says she is confused about how she feels. She says she needs to figure out if her feelings are real or just because of the attention she was wanting from me. My problem is she is my wife and how can she not want to work on our relationship. I don't know what to do! Please any input!!


Can't eat
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: Baxie
We have been married only 9 weeks. This past saturday night I went to pick her up at a bar after she was out drinking for Halloween. She sounded upset on the phone and when I got there she was sitting with her friend. I could tell that she was crying and when she got in she said " I can't do this anymore, I think I love him" talking about the best guy friend. Needless to say she was pretty drunk and I took her home and put her to bed. The next day (yesterday) we had a conversation about it.

We have been to counseling a coupletimes. The last time about a three weeks ago, was very enlightening to me. In regards to the fact that I haven't been as physically there giving her the attention she deserved. This has been an issue in the past, and I didn't really make an effort to express how I feel towards her. The counselor told us we both express love in different ways. Her physically, and me as a provider. After that session a few weeks ago, I turned it on and it was a natural feeling. I have been so much more in love her now because of it. It felt as if she wasnt exceping it. It was what she has been wanting, and for some reason I wasn't doing it. I'm not sure why because she is a beautiful and honest woman.

Now it is Monday night, we went to a counseling meeting this afternoon. While we were there explaining the situation. I said " she told me she thinks she is in love with him (her best friend) her reply was " no I am in love with him" this hurts so much to hear. I have been trying and she acknowledges it. She just says she doesn't want it from me anymore. I have asked her if it has become physical and she insist no it hasn't been anything like that. Then I asked her I she has been thinking about having that with him. She didn't answer and I asked if she wanted to "make love to him" her reply was yes. This hurts so much I can't stand the thought of her and anyone else.

Now in fairness to her she has been trying to get my attention for the past 2 years. I was expressing my love in the way I thought, protecting her and giving her a home. I'm not trying to blame myself now, because what she has been doing is wrong. Her best friend told her in the past that he loved her, she told me there nothing I should ever worry about. I trusted her so I figured that was that. They work together and see eachother all the time. During the counseling session I said she needed to cut off the contact with him. She is hesitant to say she will.

Back to Monday night, we decided that I should give her some time to think. She says she is just confused and doesn't want to give up with our family... A 4 year old, that is hers but I have been in the picture since he was 1and a half. I'm staying here tonight and then I'll be leaving her in the house to think for a few days.

While we were talking on Monday night, she also told me that she went out for coffee with an ex boyfriend. Also went out to dinner with a different friend( that told her he loved her years ago). I'm guessing she was doing this to get attention and feel wanted. This is when she turned to her friend and started to accept his love. I feel horrible and haven't eaten in 2 days. I don't know what to do, I really love her and want to continue this new found love for her. It's killing me thinking about not being with her.

She says she is confused about how she feels. She says she needs to figure out if her feelings are real or just because of the attention she was wanting from me. My problem is she is my wife and how can she not want to work on our relationship. I don't know what to do! Please any inp theut!!

Welcome to MB and I'm so sorry for your pain.

If you want to fight for this marriage do two things do NOT move out of you house and expose this affair.

Is this OM married? She will need to quit her job.

Please read these.
Exposure 101
Men do not leave your home


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5
B
Baxie Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5
Thanks for reading, I'm not moving out... Just going to stay somewhere else for a few nights while she thinks. Not sure what you mean by expose the affair. I mean I know about it. Other guy is not married, wants her... , she won't leave her job


Can't eat
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: Baxie
Thanks for reading, I'm not moving out... Just going to stay somewhere else for a few nights while she thinks. Not sure what you mean by expose the affair. I mean I know about it. Other guy is not married, wants her... , she won't leave her job

Read the exposure thread I posted to you. Dr. Harley recommends you expose the affair to everyone that will make a difference, family, friends. Does he have facebook?

If you leave she will have him over and the affair will most definitely turn physical.

You need to kill this affair and do a workplace exposure. All of this is in the exposure thread.

Read it and come back.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Welcome to MB ... you got a serious issue going on here. Sorry for your pain.

You have only been married for 9 weeks and already been to counselling? Marriage counsellors know JACK about restoring love to marriage. in fact the facilitate divorce more often than not. You leave feeling all emotionally worn out and worse off than when you went in. What you should do is follow the good advice here who know Dr.Harleys work and have been successful in restoring their marriages. Listen to the vets .. they will not steer you wrong.

You will have to kill this affair FIRST if you want to save your marriage. Otherwise your wife will be constantly triggered of this OM and be constantly reminded of how full her love bank is for him. NC for life.. or she will not allow you to fill her emotional needs to be able to love you like a wife should.

Your wife has VERY poor boundries around the opposite sex ... You are both responsible for the state of your marriage but she is 100% responsible for her emotional affair possibly physical (if they admit to EA .. its usually trickle truth and ends up actually be PA too) Get snooping ... Bring it back here. Be on PLAN A while you kill your wifes affair.

MNG

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Baxie, normally, I'm all about saving marriages. However, in your situation, as you've described it, my advice to you is be to give her the divorce she's obviously seeking and don't look back. It may hurt up-front, but will save you lots more pain & money in the medium & long run, and you'll feel like eating again a lot sooner than if you go down with the sinking ship of a longer marriage to your wife.

Man, don't you see? This woman has no concept of boundaries. That has nothing to do with whether or not you've been available to her. It's her own outlook. She considers another man her 'best friend' -- that's not semi-screwed-up, that is immensely screwed-up. She hangs out with exes. These facts are huge red flags that you should not ignore.

Beyond this, the fact that you were OK with marrying someone who so obviously has no concept of appropriate marital boundaries, that you were OK with marrying a girl who thinks of some other guy as her best friend, suggests that you yourself aren't socially-mature enough to be married. (Your wife's best friend is another man? C'mon, dude, where'd you learn that this is even close to OK or normal? From a light-beer commercial? That crap doesn't work in real life.)

You've been in the picture since your wife's 4-year-old child was one & a half. Did you have something to do with the demise of her relationship with the child's father?

Maybe you ought to look into a book called "Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders." Neither you nor your wife sound like "buyers" to me. Your wife certainly isn't a committed buyer, and you don't sound like an educated consumer yet. Maybe you'll be one someday...

A little about me: I had an affair 4 years ago, after having been a solid, faithful husband for 16 years. It almost trashed my marriage to the best woman on the planet. Recovering & revitalizing that marriage after my emotional & physical infidelity was hard work, which took total commitment from both of us, and which built upon that mostly very good 16-year track-record that we'd had prior to my affair.

Compared to that, you guys have virtually no good track-record to rebuild upon, even if your wife were committed to the idea, which she (according to her own words) is not. What this all adds up to is, she ain't worth it. Get out while the costs are low.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
#1 - We have been married only 9 weeks.

#2 - She was out drinking for Halloween...needless to say she was pretty drunk.

#3 - We have been to counseling a couple times. (See #1)

#4 - I said " she told me she thinks she is in love with him (her best friend) her reply was " no I am in love with him"

#5 - She just says she doesn't want it from me anymore.

#6 - They work together and see each other all the time.

#7 - A 4 year old, that is hers but I have been in the picture since he was 1 and a half. (Where is this child's father?)

#8 - While we were talking on Monday night, she also told me that she went out for coffee with an ex boyfriend. Also went out to dinner with a different friend( that told her he loved her years ago).

#9 - I really love her and want to continue this new found love for her (See #1)

How old are you and WW?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
We have been married only 9 weeks....A 4 year old, that is hers but I have been in the picture since he was 1and a half...Now in fairness to her she has been trying to get my attention for the past 2 years.

Put this mess together I get see a single mom needing assistance with raising her son, but with no intention of making a marriage with the "lucky" guy.

Bail, dude. Bail before you finish reading this note. She is not marriage material, and likely never will be.

(Please do not let sympathy for the subject child interfere with this decision. Once out of this swamp you will easily find another single mom - one with a better set of scruples - with a child that needs support. Do it for HIM!)

Oh, btw - don't kid yourself - and you are - SHE HAS ALREADY HAD SEX WITH THIS GUY! Does that help you make up your mind?

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5
B
Baxie Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5
Thanks man, I pretty sure that has not happened! We have a life together, and she would not do that. She is so absolutely honest with me and I have to trust that that is the truth. I'm not going to give up, on us when we are everything to eachother. I was ignoring her, and that I take reponsibiltiry. Sry been drinking, not sure if that was right. We are mature and I assume you can tell from my post. Kinda responding to all posts. We talked tonight and she says she wants us and our family to work. how can I not be excited about that. I love her and want to express that! Does everyone think I'm an idiot?


Can't eat
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5
B
Baxie Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5
What does "ww" mean? This is new for me


Can't eat
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: Baxie
What does "ww" mean? This is new for me

ww=wayward wife

Here
Acronyms and Abbreviations


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
ww=wayward wife


Celtic Voyager
Married 22+ years
3 young adult children


"A story of me"
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 514
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 514
Hi Baxie. I am sorry that you have to be here under the cirucumstances which you are. ww = wayward wife. One problem I see right now is that you CANNOT believe anything that comes out of your wife's mouth right now. I know you want to. That is what we all want to do because we love our spouses too. But, right now, you can't. Get your proof first. IF she is in an affair (emotional affair is a very powerful affair too), she will tell you ANYTHING for as long as she needs to tell you to give you "hope", to get you to back off, so she can keep doing exactly what she wants to keep on doing. I don't know if she has been physical with the guy or not, but I will tell you this.....YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN DANGER!!! This guy does something for her and she likes it. There is ALWAYS more to the story than they are going to tell you. I have to believe that this is the case, and if so, then YOU are going to have to fight like you have never fought before. Our response to try to save our marriages is to believe them, keep it all private to protect them, give them time, etc... We do it this way because our feelings tell us that we don't want to rock the boat, we don't want to give them a reason to leave us, we don't want to upset them and they run into the other person's arms, etc... These ways though, are counter productive in the goal of of saving our marriages!!!! Please see that. These people responding to you have been where you are at, and they KNOW what you should do. You are entering an arena where what you feel like doing to save your marriage, ISN'T what you need to do to save your marriage. These people here can give you the guidance. Please listen to them.

I know some of these posts are difficult to read. I have to be honest with you, I was thinking the same thing. 9 weeks? You have been married only 9 weeks, and you are already dealing with this? There were problems in your relationship LONG before you ever got married. Just based on what you have said, you weren't giving her the attention she needed, and she was finding other ways to meet her needs before you ever got married. Sometimes an affair is the thing that wakes people up. I don't know if she is a renter or freeloader or not, but she sure isn't a buyer in this relationship, not right now anyway.

I am actually very glad you admit that you weren't there for her like you should have been. That is a good sign that you can admit your wrongs. Now, what else have you done/not done to help your relationship get as bad as it has? Read everything here. Clean up your act and be the man you are supposed to be. You can only control you, change you, so get to it. YOU have to care enough to meet her needs and then actually meet her needs. If you are wanting the warm and fuzzy always feel good feelings like you felt when you first started dating her that made it easy to "love" her, you are in for a huge dissappointment. The warm fuzzies always wear off. Love is making the choice to love, honor, accept and stand by your spouse person when it doesn't feel so good.

It sounds like you understand that since you didn't meet her needs that she had to go get them met outside of your relationship. That is understanding on your part. The fact that you really need to understand next is, that no matter how you didn't meet her needs, she never had the right to get her needs met outside of her relationship/marriage with you. Nothing justifies her choices. Going outside your marriage isn't going to help your marriage improve. It will just destroy it.

You have come to the right place. These people REALLY can help you. They can help you both. If she is this wonderful person you say that she is, you are going to have to break her out of her fog. Then she can come here too so you can repair your relationship. I hope you both can. I am going to tell you that she does seem to have some character issues that you are glossing over. She knew you weren't meeting her needs before she married you. She was "handling" it her way before you got married and continued afterwards. That is not a buyers, marriage mindset. So, why did she actually marry you? You are going to have to face some tough, VERY TOUGH truths. Don't ignore them because that it easier and feels better. Face them head on. Work through them, not around them. YOU will be better for it.

Last edited by Littlebit3; 10/31/12 11:17 AM.

BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Originally Posted By: Baxie
...We talked tonight and she says she wants us and our family to work. how can I not be excited about that. I love her and want to express that! Does everyone think I'm an idiot?
Well, if she wants your family to work, then she'll give up all contact with these guy friends of hers. That's an action she can take to prove that her words mean anything at all. As opposed to mere words. If she doesn't change her actions, and you continue to believe her words, then it won't be long before you'll feel like the biggest fool around.

I'm not gonna call you an idiot, 'cuz you don't know 100th as much about infidelity as I do, and that's not your fault; but take my word for it, those opposite-sex friendships need to go. You came here for experienced advice, but if you're gonna dismiss the advice, then we can't help ya.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 36 guests, and 46 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5