Hi everyone i just found this site.

Little history, wife and I married for 6 yrs. both 29 yrs old. the last two year has been pretty rough as far as either one of us not liking our jobs, had our third child, and we both became severely depressed. Sex life was great it has never waivered. But I became distant and neglected our marriage and took her for granted. I chose to work late thinking hey I'm making money putting food on the table. All while she worked the same hours and was at home with the burden of the kids,supper,baths, and she handled our finances too. This has weighed her down until she reached her ropes end. And our communication was replaced with texting each other instead of verbal.

Now we have been separated for 5 weeks. The first 2 weeks was rough she was bitter angry and resentment towards me wouldn't even look at me. We both see counseling individually and together. The past 3 weeks have been good. We actually sit down and can have a converdation about our feelings yet she still says I just don't think those feelings I have for you can come back. Gave me thR whole I still love and care about you but don't have the feelings of wanting to be with you. So I've done everything I can think of. She agrees with the MC to do a family day and a date night.. She says we are friends we are starting over! When discussing the date night. I have changed completely and she agrees that it's consistent and is scared that it'll just go back to the way it was.

Here's the bad. I suppose.... Well I pay the phone bill uh oh here we go. Lol well of course there's a number on there just text no calls over and over. So I call her on it. She said he is just someone she can talk to about stuff other than us and the situation. I also found a profile by mere accident on a dating site one night when I was feeling F this I'm moving on. But in my case it was a fake profile fake everything pretty much just registered to go fishing while hers was legit. Picture name info etc. she said we were both doing the same thing fake or not and I kinda agree.

Anyways she and the two kids (the oldest is from another girl) he stays with me., are living with her parents and getting an apartment middle of this month. I'm afraid when she does move out she going to go crazy being completely on her own and do whatever. So to help me feel at ease we talked and I told her. I'm tired of wondering what you're doing etc etc. she goes I just feel like we are being pushed to get back together like there's a certain time limit. Which we agreed there's not one in the get go. So I said lets go out separate ways you do you I'll do me. And it has made me feel better as far as not worrying about her. I still miss her but I'm afraid this whole you do you I'll do me thing is a mistake. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Sorry so long.

It IS a mistake. Excuse me, but you are still married, my friend.

Niether one of you are respecting the covenant of marriage or the vows you made to each other. That is all well and good and I'm not judging you. However, I am greatly concerned about what you are teaching your kids about integrity, honor, respect, honesty, promise, protection, boundaries, committment...the list goes on.

Please read some material here. You could put your marriage back on the right track using the strategies here. You could learn to eliminate the behaviors that make your spouse fall out of love with you, and in turn learn how to be the one sure-fire provider of each other's most important emotional needs.

You may consider reading a book called Surviving an Affair (which is what your wife is doing with her dating or whatever it is -- and you're not far behind in my estimation).

You may also find the book "Fall in Love Stay in Love" by Dr. Harley. In the meantime, the basic concepts here will be very enlightening for sure.

You and your wife appear to me as people who, like most of us here, had a very loose definition of marriage...based on things we saw growing up, but never really discussed in a meaningful way. My parents are still together, but their example was not that great and I would not want their relationship.

I hope you will avail yourself to a new way of thinking about marriage, based on principles which have helped thousands of couples realize a marriage that they never dreamed possible - based on mutual respect, protection, and caring love.

opt

Well I decided this morning to nip the texting with the other guy in the butt. She swore they were friends just friends yada yada. I still didn't believe her something didn't feel right so I said I'll call him I don't care she said I was crazy so I called told him who I was and he hung up. I then texted him saying hey I just want to know what's going on and why y'all are texting who you are etc. he said he met her online and she told him she was goin through a divorce he didn't know about the actual situation. So I sent her the text of what she said and she said I want a divorce but not anything final. Another words she wants to be separated like we are divorced. I told her do whatever she thinks he needs to do that I care and love her and will for the rest of my life but I wish you luck and have a nice life. Of course she kept texting me trying to blame me or everything and I said whatever happened happened, we can go back and now you're doin this there's no going back bye.

Are you proceeding with divorce? Do you want to try and save this marriage?

Not sure she asked what I wanted to do. I said I know what I want this marriage to survive but you want the divorce so do what you want to do that I'm fine either way. She said like I said 5 weeks ago I don't want to jump into divorce cause if those feelings come back then I'll be ready to work on us. But I (her) have been unhappy for so long that I don't know if I can come back. We are going to talk Sunday and smooth out the wrinkles the best we can and move forward. I told her as long as we don't divorce that I'm still trying and she said she still wants family day. So that's where we are now.....

First, being a hard worker does not give your wife a pass to have an affair.

She is tryin to start an affair.
If you are going to be separated you should see an attorney.
It would be best for your family if you could reconcile. I suggest you immediately read His Needs Her Needs by Dr Bill Harley. You can order it from amazon.com.

Ok update: she called and asked to come over and talk. She apologized for today. Saying that she feels like she has no one to talk to. That she misses that companionship that she hasn't had in awhile which is true. Says she needs to be alone to give us any chance. Alone not to date but alone to think and help those feelings. The last years have been rough for both of us no doubt while she was there I was neglectful still had great sex but not that companionship someone to talk to. Ugh. She says when she looks back at our marriage all she sees is the bad things. And she wants to get over that but can't being in this house. I told her I'm done giving every ounce of effort I have only to go crazy. So from now on we agree that we go our separate ways and find ourselves and hopefully we find each other. We agreed no sex with anyone else but we can date if wanted. And no bringing the other person around the kids. She said the only way she can give us the chance to reset is her getting away and resetting. It was very obvious she is in ALOT of pain and hher emotions are rampant. Se said the only reason why she talked to that guy I accused her of an affair with is to talk to someone. Cause she feels everyone in our family and friends won't accept her side of the story or feelings. I told her I'm here to listen I don't care if it's good or bad I'm wanting to be her friend the one she can turn to and she started bawling again. This is such a rollercoaster! It was very wrong of me to assume an affair I know my wife and she has high morals and values I can't believe I questioned it but then again in this situation how can you not? We hugged and I consoled her while she let the emotions pour out then she got up and said I have to go. So before she left I rubbed her shoulder and said I'm here to listen when you want to talk and she walked away bawling.

Ps i asked why she told that guy she was getting a divorce when we aren't an she said what am i supposed to say? I'm married but separated but could end in divorce or it couldn't I'm not sure cant make my mind up?

Are you being serious?

You both are still married. How can you rationalize dating other people?

Either fish or cut bait. Work on the marriage with no others or get divorced and THEN start to date after you heal.

Sir.
You need a serious wake up call.
You just agreed to date "but not have sex" with others.

You know what that is? Thats your wife saying she is having an affair and needs to be away from you to carry on with it.

Do you like being a rollover? Because thats what you are right now.

I suggest you rent some John Wayne movies. Do you think he would allow his wife to "date" other men?

You need to draw a line in the sand and say that you won't tolerate adultery. Be a man, sir

You are actually helping to enable the destruction of your marriage, similar to a wife of an alcoholic that drives her husband to and from the bar daily.

(John Wayne's film persona was a strong and righteous male but apparently the actual man was a cheater).....

that said,

your wife is planning on cheating on you and that is why she is saying she needs to separate and 'think', etc.

It is her way of getting away from your presence to carry on an affair with more ease than in the same house as you. Period. We know it at this site because it always turns out to be the case.

You should not date other women. Not until you are divorced and free to do so. It isn't fair to any decent woman you may try to date and have sex with. Any woman who would do so with you would put you back at square one with a woman who has poor boundaries in relationships.

You should read all the concepts at the top of this page in the red bar and study them and decide if you want to try to have your marriage survive or to file for divorce and try again with another woman.

I suppose I should've stated that we are both 29, modern ways, and care free people. Neither one of us are old fashioned. I know my wife. Ive known her since I was 12. She has high morals and values as do I. So it was incredibly wrong of me to accuse her of an affair. We both need our space. Her to clear her mind and work on herself and for us to progress and I agree it feels like our MC and family have a time limit and are pushing us back together. I need space to grow, mature, and get that high confidence I used to have to become a better husband/father. I have taken full responsiblilty for last two years of neglecting and taking her for granted and being very distant with the kids.And have made HUGE leaps in reforming those relationships. I became a total different person due to depression and she was dealing with post partum depression severely. She too has taken responsibly for her part in this. We both want to work on this so much we are just going about it in a different way than John Wayne would. Cause John Wayne was two generations before us. Times have changed. Like I said my wife and I know each other very very well, and we are both so headstrong that if we start pushing the situation it will become an atom bomb and blow up in our face. And I a man who stands on his two feet when needed but I'm also a very compassionate and understanding man who understands his wife and her needs. Like she said if she was wanting a divorce or be with someone else she would've done it week 1. But that's not her intentions at all.

How much of Dr. Harley's basic concepts do you understand?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

How to Negotiate when You Are an Emotional Person
How to Negotiate When No One Wants to Raise the Issue

Times have changed. You two are different than everyone else. Your situation is unique. Right.

You Sir are acting as much a fool as your name states. Your wife is no different than hundreds of other women or men on here who had morals and violated them to have an affair. Everyone is capable of it and I mean EVERYONE. Do yourself a favor and stop thinking that you and your wife are special - I promise you that you are not.

Date around while still married but no sex? What kind of insanity is that? Your desperation to save your marriage is leading you down a path that will ensure the complete, mutually assured destruction of precisely what you're trying to preserve.

Her intention is to keep you on the line if the other, secret relationship doesn't work out for her.

And if you want to really fight for your marriage. Find out who she is having an affair with and kill her affair.

Ok Brian. Yes we are special we are unique because we are us. I'm not you and she isnt your wife. Now apparently you haven't read all my posts cause I've already stopped the so called affair. Her and her mom left today to go out of town to shop and talk cause after our conversation last night she went back to her parents where shes living and said she needs to get away and talk to her mom. Her mom just texted me with a smiley saying she doesn't want anyone else but me and is wanting to come home. So good luck to you John Wayne. What would've happened if I would've been that over assertive I am man hear me roar attitude? She would've been gone and maybe not coming back. So as much as assertive you say I should be I'm asking you to step back and have a strong intense conversation with your wife and listen listen listen. See you guys later I appreciate all your advice and listening to my story it feels good that your not alone. Best of luck to y'all.

[Reading, John Wayne told MGM to shove it and refused a role in te Dirty Dozen because he refused to play the role of an adulterer.
Instead he helped finance the Green Beret at that time. To show support for the American soldiers. He was a great man and a good role model for any man. ]


Txfool, calling yourself "compassionate" and agreeing to allow your wife to openly commit adultery is a contradiction.
Do you know what John Wayne would do if some guy came to te front door with flowers in hand to date his wife? It would be like a mike Tyson knockout.

Maybe you are modern as you say. Perhaps you should give your wife some money to buy a nice skirt, maybe some lingerie for her dates.

Wake up sir! Go talk to some men and ask If this is normal or acceptable. It isn't.

Wow still hung up on the alleged affair. I guess I chose the wrong site to talk to. Your divorced he's divorced John Wayne is dead and I'm still married working it out. Like I said thanks for the advice and good luck with that I'm the man attitude. Good day