Forgot to add that he has apologized for his actions and owned up to the affair to all of our family (including DD's), our pastor and all of our friends. - He did take the initiative on that.

I would sit down with him and figure out a schedule for accomplishing the above items.

1. Set a deadline for finishing "getting ready" to put the house on the market. Any major repairs should be done before listing, but minor ones could probably get done even if it's listed. Ask an agent for their opinion.

2. Make the time to prep the boat for sale, sell it as-is, or get someone else to do the work. Set a deadline.

3. Let FIL buy the car if he wants it that bad. Otherwise, what's the hold-up?

I agree--piddling around with things gets old fast. Having a deadline tends to make you accomplish things in a more timely fashion.

Thank you, tired. I may have to ask for your help if I can't get DD23 over here to help me!

Yeah DD 16 is old enough to be aware of the depth of human emotion and the heart

I would let her listen to it

Thank you Northwood. I like the deadline idea! As it stands now, we have a plan without a deadline date set. I will feel better about that.

Thanks CP! We're going to listen together now.

Yeah this post might be away from the subject matter at the moment, but please forgive me because it just came to my mind as to the subject in the post just quoted..

You probably have heard of what they call, "The slingshot effect". Where someone is so sheltered and disciplined that when they finally get free reign, they go wild.. Most commonly this happens in colledge when mom and Dad aren't around to watch them anymore, or protect them from consequences either.

Then they are free, lol, yeah to do all the things they wanted to do and finally have fun!

Well I was blessed enough to have a wife who when the kids were small, not only taught them that all actions, and even inaction, had consequences, and I used to tell them, along with my emotionally somewhat stable wife, that what they think and become, was up to them and whatever source of strength, ( At the young ages God and Christ, until they became old enough to recognize truth and light somewhat within themselves. Yes we are allways growing and learning, all our life)
They grew up fast and able to handle many emotional trials

My kids have had the opposite of the slingshot, having to grow up faster than many, and yet, they take on the challenges of life very well, and became the go-to friends to many others, because of thier maturity

I don't take all the credit, I consider myself blessed, and also give credit to their good freinds who were strong and mature, and from planet earth. The church they listened to the word at also had an effect, because of the word being amplified and concentrated on, not the individual speaking it.

The word was first

So growing up is a privilege and taking part of that privilege to make this a better life for all, far outweighs hiding in ignorance, and hiding our heads in the sand, waiting for it all to go away.

Forewarned is forearmed, and this has been something that has effected your whole family, and you can all be stronger for it

My kids know my mistakes also, and I expect them to be better than I have been, make better descisions, and I give them no excuse either.

You aren't alone, FathersEyes. One thing my wife said to me that hit me like a ton of bricks, very early-on during our recovery, as we were both reading through SAA & learning about affairs, was (pretty much a verbatim quote): "The thing I have the hardest time with is the thought of you actually loving her! I would almost have preferred the idea of a prostitute to this!"

Well, I can honestly tell you that I feel no love for the OW. Four years out, and if I saw her name in the obituaries in tomorrow morning's Washington Post, the most I might be able to muster is "Too bad for her kid." Not that I hate her; rather, it's just that she's so out of my life -- my wife & I have worked so hard to ensure that she is out of our lives -- that after almost 4 years, there's scarecely ever any occasion for her memory to pop to the surface.

The thing is, to get to that stage, several things are necessary:
--#1, #2 and #3 are, there can't be contact with the affair-partner.
--#4 is, he needs to be focused on & busy with his relationship with you & meeting your needs.
--#5 is, he needs to wrestle with & come to understand the making a list of the differences. He can make his own list as he ponders this stuff.

Re: the "love bank" balance, I feel like what OW put in my "love bank" --what I allowed her to put in there-- is as devalued as the marks that Germans used to haul around in wheelbarrows after World War I (because they were so worthless that it took a wheelbarrow full of them to buy a loaf of bread). Hell, as far as I'm concerned, they're counterfeit & worthless. I'd have to be an idiot to want, to accept, or to waste a second's thought thinking about anything so worthless. It almost cost me everything that's worth anything to me.

So it's possible.

But that's me. Your husband needs time. He needs to stick with his EPs.

I will tell you this: I'm wary of WHs who show up here and say they understand where they went wrong, but who don't proactivey get engaged in the discussion or who sidestep questions, or who beg off by telling me my vocabulary is too big because of something they might've read on a message I posted 3 years ago about a note I wrote to my wife. I've seen most of those WHs turn out to be too lazy to do what's needed to recover. They stick around for a short while, to put up a facade for their BWs who post here, but then when they can't handle getting called out on the inconsistencies in their conduct, they check out. (Folks who are turned off or intimidated because I throw in a college word every once in awhile -- all I can say about that is, four years ago, I myself was the dumbest man on the whole planet, and so there's not a man alive today who can tell me that I'm too smart, erudite or high-falutin' for him to talk to.

I realize, this may be just a limitation of an internet forum -- I can only go by what he types, and if typing's not his thing, then I'm out of his loop. It'd be easier for some folks if they could talk live, face-to-face, over a cup o'coffee or an honest mug of beer. (It'd be easier for me, too.) For all I know, he's making great effort & great strides, so my point here isn't to cast doubts on that. Ultimately you're the only one who'll really know the truth. The main thing isn't whether he posts here; but in real life he darned sure needs to be on top of his EPs -- as HerPapaBear cautioned him, not as a "checklist" of stuff that's "one-&-done", but as a new, permanent lifestyle, day-in, day-out.

Anyway, if he wants my take on things, he's got to bounce stuff off me, and I'll always give him a straight answer.

Yes FE, the thought that he actually was "In Lurve" with her. Is definatly a bad feeling to deal with.

Im with Glove oil on the dealing with yourself and coming clean to all the BS that the affair really was, and proving that you are straightened out, even to yourself, as a man. Many of the things he said ring true, and its a lifestyle change, for the better of course, not something to sweep under the rug ASAP.

As you both grow and understand what happens in these affairs, the fragility and nessesary EPs and commitment will become more clear and acually a priveldge.

It takes time to recover, and time for the triggers to dissapate, and lose strength, and he has work to do.

Praying for the best for you guys

Sorry, the MB "edit clock" ran out on me, and I couldn't fix my previous post where I accidentally deleted a chunk of text.

I meant to say,
The thing is, to get to that stage, several things are necessary:
--#1, #2 and #3 are, there can't be contact with the affair-partner.
--#4 is, he needs to be focused on & busy with his relationship with you & meeting your needs.
--#5 is, he needs to wrestle with & come to understand the difference between love and infatuation. I'm not gonna be doing his work by making a list of the differences. He can make his own list as he ponders this stuff.

Thanks, once again, for the reminder. I do believe in not keeping my children so sheltered from the world that they would become overwhelmed. All you can do is teach them in the way they should go, to know and love the Lord, and help them learn from mistakes. Well, that and pray for them.

We did listen to the clip together. I think she was surprised that Dr. Harley knew pretty much how she felt.

I'm having problems with my dinosaur of a computer. This took me 35 minutes to type...

I will reply to yours and GloveOil's post when I get this problem fixed.

Was this the show about triggers?
Radio clip on Triggers
Segment #2

BH- Yes that was the show.

GloveOil,

Thank you for the post. My computer is still having problems, so I will try to respond the best that I can.

First of all, it gives me a bit of hope to hear that you no longer have feelings for the OW. In my situation, I have such hatred for the OW, that it consumes me. I know this is wrong. Not only is it un-Christian, it is unhealthy. I want to make her life a living hell. I do not share this with WH, as I know that it would keep her memory alive for him.


As far as WH posting here, it was his idea, which surprised me. He doesn't get on computers- ever. Doesn't even know how to log on, let alone how a forum works. I did read his thread. And honestly, that was pretty good for him. The vocabulary thing- I know that what he meant was that you are very eloquent. He told me that you have a good way with words and that every man wishes he could word things like that.

WH does not have confidence in anything but his job skills. I think that is why he lets me lead things. He is enthusiastic about the MB program, praying together and reading the Bible together. He is the one who suggests it, but I'm the one who leads it. These are huge steps for him, albeit baby steps to me.

He does try very hard to meet my needs every day. He also is working hard at keeping EP's in place.

He claims that he has had no withdraw from her, which I find hard to believe. He hasn't been depressed, though.

If I didn't address something, please accept my apologies. My computer is making it difficult and slow to type. It keeps changing my words to random symbols... This took 40 minutes to type.

I see this line of thinking often.....

I look at God's word and it's very clear that hate is not wrong nor is it un-healthy. There is a season for everything under the sun.


Ecc. 3:1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.


It would be unhealthy to love the OW. Even as a Christian, it's perfectly normal, and IMO, healthy, to have hate. Please allow yourself to have the seasons that your grief requires... You've had a vicious event perpetrated upon you and healing will take a great deal of time.

There are some beautiful Psalms that cry out for vengeance, and they were inspired by the Holy Spirit, and it is perfectly appropriate to pray them. Vengeance belongs to God and He does promise to repay, while requiring that we leave that determination up to Him.

And here is an amazing thought:

http://bible.cc/2_thessalonians/1-6.htm
"after all it is only just for God to repay with affliction those who afflict you,"

Wow!

In my case, healing from the people who afflicted me primarily involves forgetting them, not thinking about them, recovering to the point where I no longer dwell on what they did to me. It did not involve reconciliation, because those people would have continued to torment me. Some would say that means there was no forgiveness. Dr. Harley would say that forgiveness is not required when there is no repentance, and I agree. But there is still a "letting go" possible (down the road -- not right after the fact!), and some call that forgiveness.

Im with HerPapaBear and Markos..

I'm finally back on line after the storm.

Thank you for that HPB. It's funny that you should quote Ecclesiastes. That was the book that I was moved to study when WH first left me in May of 2011.- That exact chapter, as a matter of fact. I must have forgotten it.

I am trying to give myself time to grieve. Some days are easier than others. Recently, I've had some hard days. I finally went to my doctor yesterday and conceded to being put on AD's. I hope they help.

I truly feel that once we are able to completely move our life away from all of this, that it will be easier on me. I still waffle on whether or not I want to remain in this marriage. I'm just so tired of trying so hard for so long...

Thanks again for the reminder.

~FE

Markos,

Thank you for the verse from 2Thessalonians. I had forgotten this one, as well. It is an amazing and very comforting thought. I have been reading the Psalms. I know that it is okay to cry out to the Lord. - And I do.

To address about what you said about "letting go" (or what some people refer to as forgiveness):

I read something very similar in The Love Dare when I did it. It basically stated that to forgive someone was to stop dwelling on the wrong that they have caused you and turn it over to God to handle. It's not excusing them, but trusting God to handle the punishment. I can't wait to get to the point... Right now, I want to be around to see it. I do understand Dr. Harley's thoughts on forgiveness. I love that smart, smart man.

Thanks for the encouragement.

~FE

Thanks for always checking on me and for the prayers, CP.