Well that could certainly pose a major problem In any hopes of recovery if she is talking to an ex husband.
The thing is you can't control her actions. You can only control your own.
I would just focus on self improvement.

Kiss there is a difference between expressing remorse coupled with self improvement and becoming your own martyr.
You refuse to listen to advice.
Te posters on this forum advised you earlier to establish personal boundaries around the opposite sex. You didn't listen.
Now a judge, who is a recognized expert in law, pleads with you to have an attorney and you stubbornly refuse. Having an attorney is NOT attacking your wife. Having an attorney ensures that your rights are protected.
I urge you to get one ASAP

Jennifervoyager,

I just sent the email to the radio show requesting to be on. I gave then my situation and what I have done. I also told them how everyone says I don't get it. I also left them my thread name.

anything else,
Kiss

HDW,

everyone on here beats me up. I understand why. they tell me to give het what she wants. so why shoulda we go to court and pay money we don't have when all I'm doing is giving her what she wants just want her to be happy. I have put her through so much the last year what does doing to court and fighting do to help that. I need to show her I have changed and that her needs come first. I really don't care what happens to me or what I get out of this all I want is my chalupee

Kiss

I understand that you don't want to fight your wife.

Well if you are being completely truthful about the ex husband sending her romantic text messages you can KISS any recovery away.
I will repeat this: Getting an attorney is not fighting your wife.
Listen to COMPETENT advice. You said the judge implored you numerous times to get an attorney. Listen to the advice of wise people.

I'm not going to advocate you give everything you have to your wife and live as a hermit in repentance. I'm not advocating you try to fight her tooth and nail. The truth is you are both broke and the only thing decided by a court would be custody issues and child support (which is calculated with a computer program).

Do you think acting as your own attorney will help you in any type of recovery? Wouldn't you be better off leaving that to an attorney instead of making her despise you more?

Wow. I have only a limited time, so rather than "beating up on you" I will just say that I think it will be WONDERFUL if you can get on the radio program.

I agree AGAIN with this and jen's advice. Let us know when you will be on the show.

T/J-

Neak,

You are my hero. I read your entire thread before I ever posted here. You are inspiring, not to mention a fabulous writer.

I'm with HDW. you need an attorney. Before, others were imploring you to quit being selfish. That would mean taking your blinders off. Seeing how everything you say, don't say, do and don't do affects your wife and marital relationship. The fact that you have really never been able to "get it" this whole time shows that you are focused on yourself, what you want, what you don't want, what you like, what you don't like, how you like something, how you don't like something. It shows a lack of understanding and empathy for those in your life who have given you the most important role in their lives. Get help for that. Love isn't just the warm fuzzy feeling that makes it easier to give of yourself. It really is a CHOICE!!! A choice to do the right thing regardless of how YOU feel about it.

Be smart here. Not having your own representation in court isn't going to help anything. You don't have to give RQ everything because you screwed up. She would much rather see you make the changes necessary to become the man you are supposed to be.

FathersEyes But for the grace of God...

I listened to yesturdays Marriage builders this morning but in pieces. Tiffiney asked about how can she stop the flashbacks of her husbands affair. This is a huge hurdle in RQ and my recovery. Dr. Harley talked about going to gatherings together is a must. He also discussed protecting your emotional needs and how no matter how good your marriage is if you don't protect your emotional needs you can still have an affair. He also talked about eliminating friendships with the opposite sex. He also talked about when she has bad flash backs or nightmares to hold and comfort her. Also to appologize her putting her through this or deal. I that I do need to continue to always keeping my guard up. I feel like I have deffinitly improved besides a couple of damn text messages. I do not reply to any text messages from females if they are not work related. When RQ had her flashbacks I believe i always did a good job of holding her and letting her know how sorry I was.

KISS

Are you going to obtain a lawyer?

You don't need to be texting with a woman not your wife period.

I also listened to todays broadcast later today. Sex and what each partner gets out of it and how much more woman need to be open to having sex. A woman must be in love to want sex. You need to be emotionally bonded to your wife. Intimate conversation helps the wife with getting close and being more inclined to sex. The more woman are in love the more they enjoy the physical contact.

If you meet a womans emotional needs the more they show you admiration.

Dr. Harley teaches premarriage classes and he looks for their ability to solving conflicts. Do you communicate with each other respectfully. Empathy and understanding in solving problems not bashing.

Todays broadcast was great for me as It helps me realize why RQ may have not been willing or wanting to make love to me. If Im not meeting her emotional needs why should she meet mine. It works both ways. Also the solving conflicts part I believe that both RQ and I both have always become defensive and we need to work on empathy and understanding of each others needs and point of view.

KISS

Brainhurts,

Im sorry and I understand your point of view but I will not get a lawyer. If RQ really wants to have an order of protection against me for ever and she doesn't want to ever see me again then that means that she doesn't want me any more and I'm realizing that more and more everyday. I don't believe now that she is going to come back to me. Even though it is the most devistating thing I have ever delt with I am starting to accept it. I love her more then anything and I want her to be happy. I think I need to start preparing my self to move on. I don't know how Im going to do it but I have to. Thank God I have the two greatest kids ever. Without them I don't know what I would do.

KISS

Karmasrose,

Trust me I know. It might be to late but I know that now.

KISS

I encourage you to write in a journal.
When my wife left me I wrote daily, and made a point to write one thing I was grateful for.
"an attitude of gratitude" Write something you are grateful for in your wife, your children and a general thing.

Indiegirl,

Thank you for the idea of coming on my thread and putting on here what I learned from Dr.Harleys radio broadcast each day. It has helped me as now as I listen to it Im taking notes and writing down ideas. I now have started a list of things if RQ did want to try and work on our marriage things I would like to implament in our recovery. Like setting 2-3 times a week when we would take 1 1/2 to 2 hrs just to learn more about marriage builders. Weather its doing the work books that we have or sitting down and talking about that days radio broadcast or discussing something on the site that we read or feedback that we have been given. Also I would want RQ to have a note pad that she can write down any love busters that I did or things that added to her love bank. She always would say something at night or the next day that I did that bothered her or she didn't like. But she could never give me details or she wasn't clear, This way she would have spacific info or maybe just tell me when it happens.

Thanks again IndieGirl as Todays broadcast helped me focus after a very emotionally tough morning.

KISS

HDW,

This is a great idea as I need to focus on the positive. I have been trying to stay positive but it has been very difficult. I love my kids more then life its self but for every thought I have about them I have 50 about RQ. I don't mean to post so much about my feelings but thats who I am. I am trying to keep my feelings out of this but its very difficult.

KISS

KISS,

This may be the most important epiphany for you to ever have.

I told you months ago that if you didn't pucker up tighter than a coal miner's.... wallet... that your wife would leave. And you piddled, brother. You piddled. As if you still had some shred of fantasy that you could continue limping along and she would just tolerate it.

She won't.


You can do everything PERFECTLY from this day out, and your wife may never take you back.

That does NOT mean that it is in any form a waste of your time to learn to become a better man and husband. It doesn't mean that learning to protect your Love Bank from other women is a waste of time.