Hi all! I've read through many of the posts and the information on the website. I will be starting the "exposing" process tomorrow and just want to make sure I do everything correctly. A little history on my situation... Been married for a little over 6 years. My husband has been having an affair for probably at least a year. The person he is having an affair with was the wife of a couple we spent a lot of time with. They have been separated for a while now and the OWH is filing for divorce next week. My husband and I have numerous conversations about their relationship ending... he has said it's over countless times and it has never ended. Always seem to be making baby steps towards fixing us but yet in the end, their relationship hasn't stopped. I almost exposed a month or so ago, but he said it was over and committed to us. It's time now for me to expose. It's not stopping and he is in a fog. He says he knows how good we are and wants to work on us. You can't do that when you continue an affair. So, my plan is to start exposing tomorrow. I'm thinking I'll leave the house and do this. Then what? Do I come home and just let the cards fall as they may and act normal? When he asks why I did it, what is the best response? Do I talk to him before and ask for the relationship to completely end? Almost feels like a broken record at this point... And, at what point does having him leave enter the equation? As I'm sure most people in this situation think, your fear is that he'll get mad, leave and go be with her... but I know I can't be afraid of that, it's still hard. Any advice is appreciated. Just want to make sure I have this all straight in my head before I start. Thanks much!

I would pack his bags and tell him tomorrow he ends it or leaves now. You have to demand that he end the affair. You are way, way overdue for Plan B and exposure. This will not be an easy affair to bust up because of the enabling.

Please go read the link in my signature and plan to do a nuclear exposure.

Do I expose and then tell him it's over or he leave?

I will be corrected if I am wrong, but I think you should do BOTH at the same time. Expose and pack his stuff up. Let him wallow in his consequences for a while. Let him stay in his miserable pain for a while as his fantasy crumbles all around him. Nothing like that to wake them out of their fog and to get them to choose the right path.

I would expose the affair and when it all blows up in his face, then demand he end all contact for life or move out immediately. Please carefully read my exposure thread so you have an effective strategy.

Since the OWH is already filing divorce, basically because of their relationship, do I involve him in anything today?

Its slow on weekends around here but , Yes. First off, have you talked to him yourself to know for sure that he even knows about it? If he is filing because of there Adultery tell him you are willing to testify in court for him.

Oh, there's no question, he knows. Do I send all WH Facebook friends or just the ones we both know?

At least the most important ones (ones that he has contact with often). Click on the link at the bottom of Melody's post. It will help you step by step.

There is no question he knows? How is that? Have you directly communicated with him? Seen evidence on his facebook, etc?

If you have not directly communicated with him, you ought to......just to let him know you are still fighting for your marriage. Maybe he could make it a wee bit tougher for his wife to ditch hers and marry your spouse.

YK?

I would put him at the TOP of your list. Call him and have a discussion with him. You might get some intel in return.

So, I called my mother in law. She's been through this too. She said that I shouldn't totally expose because it can harm us more.... So now I'm not sure. I am just afraid I'll play my cards wrong.

Exposure harms the AFFAIR and that is a good thing. Just keep exposing! Keep in mind that your MIL does not know how to save marriages. The advice to expose comes from DR Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders.

Exposure is your most powerful weapon and there is little we can do to help if you won't do it.

Originally Posted By: Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders

"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."




Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley

"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."

Though it is nice that MIL cares and seems to want to be helpful.......she is your M in law......in other words......Mother to your spouse. Not you. Okay?

You'll play your cards wrong if you listen to your mother-in-law. Sounds like she's just trying to do a little "CYA" for her boy, that's all.

Listen very carefully: Nothing got me off the schneid to kill my affair faster than, or other than, having it become known.

Let that sink in.

Now, who are you gonna believe? Me (who's had an affair, and has no vested interest in steering you wrong), or your mother-in-law? Do you want to give yourself a fighting chance to end your husband's cheating, or do you just want to live with a cheater (along with the attendant emotional trauma & health risks) for more years to come? What does your mother-in-law know about ending affairs? (Not what she thinks she knows, but what she actually knows.) What the hell does your mother-in-law know about the mindset of a cake-eating husband who's in an affair? You think she knows more about that than I do?

You can take my free advice, or you can take hers. Heck, it's your life. I will just tell you once & for all that playing cover-his-bum for a husband who's in an affair is the absolute wrong way to go. It's the wrongest card you could play, with the hand you're holding. (You've already made a bad mistake by tipping her off about your exposure plans. Now she can tip him off, and this can reduce the shock value of exposure unless you act very quickly.)

Your objective: Kill the affair.
Best means to accomplish: Expose massively & without warning.
Time is not on your side if you continue to dither & vacillate.

And, please do not tell MIL your plans ahead of time.

Let her be your support for being betrayed but do not tell her

you are going to expose to others
you are snooping on email, phone logs, etc

Please follow Melodys exposure thread 100%

In your situation, exposure is really the only way an affair will end!

How's exposure going?

Do you have your list of targets?