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Joined: Apr 2001
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Joined: Apr 2001
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AnaR's post from her husband's thread: Hello to everyone,
I am unsure of what to write here but I want to gain help in becoming the best I can become for my husband and myself.
Apart from everything that my husband has already shared there is also a lot of good about him. He is a good provider, has a great sense of humor when he wants to and is free with giving me anything I want "physically", although my needs are not mainly physical I know that it his way of showing me love. I believe this is why I hold on, because having a little hope has always sustained me. I also love him dearly and do not want us to end up apart.
I admit I am severaly depressed and my doctor will not medicate this for a further four months as it is due to grieving my Mother's truly horrific death [she suffocated with only one lung left] which he wants me to come to terms with without medication that could potentially hide my actual facing the true issues. Add to that, I'm hyper allergic to almost all medications and he fears a bad reaction given my medical history.
I do not walk around with a miserable long face all the time, on the contrary I try to be as happy as I can and add humor and laughter to our home. I work long hours at night and tend to put my grief into my work.
There is already enough said about what has hurt me, and I feel that pain in the depths of my soul. I feel scared a lot that the tiny shred of hope I had may burn out because my husband can admit when he has wronged me, and the very next night if I say or do something to displease him will say "Don't start again all you did the night before." I understand what he means, but it makes me feel that any kindness or apologies he showed or gave me was not honest and genuine and was a means to shut me up and/or end a situation to suit himself. I then feel guilty for feeling what I feel - resentment. I resnt him conning me with loving charm and doting words only to recind it. It is as if he fills and EN and that turns and totally takes it away.
There is something else very important - my husband has not always been this way, and neither have we as a couple. Up to our 10th or more wedding anniversary we were often taken for newly weds. We were that loving towards each other. My husband suffered a shocking injury inflicted upon him by someone else. What ensued was a 10+ year court battle that slowly eroded my husband's character and turned him into a very angry and self protective person. He can be so loving one day and yet not so much as unloving the next, but totally uncaring of any pain he may inflict. It is as if I live with two people. I have told him this kindly, and yet he cannot seem to accept that this all started when his fight for justice started - almost like he never got out of a fighting mode, but there is no apparent conscience present when he says things to me.
My problem is I react to him badly and will stand up and confront him over what he does to me and to us as a couple - and yet I know this is wrong of me, but what do I do? How do I let him go his merry way and think he can continue to say the most cruelest of things without one sign of caring? If I let him go and say nothing - he says nothing - he acts as if he got one over on me and yet he can't see that inside I am craving for any love from him that is trustworthy and honest.
I totally cannot "get" how someone can hurt another and easily wipe it away as if it is nothing and then the next day tell them how much they love and adore them. I can't equate that to love no matter how much I try and fool myself. And I do.
I am trying to fill my major EN's for him as requested but am struggling with a feeling of complete emptiness - and a confusion as to what actually is my major needs. I think I know, but cannot tell what is a need from this empty feeling inside - to find a primary is hard. I'm trying, though.
I would dearly love some help to improve myself.
Thank you for reading,
Ana
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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My dear Ana, I have just discovered your post at the bottom of your husband's thread and apologize for taking so long to respond to your heartfelt and very thorough post. The first thing I will ask you to do is read up on lovebusters so you can understand what your husband is doing wrong. The behavior that he has described is abusive and it should not be tolerated. His cruel comments, angry outbursts are not something that Dr Harley would ever tell you to endure. He has to stop this immediately. Please go read up on lovebusters and order the book Lovebusters, along with His Needs, Her Needs. Start here: Lovebusters I admit I am severaly depressed and my doctor will not medicate this for a further four months as it is due to grieving my Mother's truly horrific death [she suffocated with only one lung left] which he wants me to come to terms with without medication that could potentially hide my actual facing the true issues. Add to that, I'm hyper allergic to almost all medications and he fears a bad reaction given my medical history. I would ask him to reconsider and give you anti-depressants. As Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist explains, anti-d's can get us through the worst trials in our lives, whether it be situational or not. Your marriage is in trouble and you need this extra help. You can email Dr Harley at his radio show at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and tell him your story and he will answer your email on the radio show. [you don't have to give your real name] He knows alot about anti-depressants and even more about abusive husbands so he can be a great help. My problem is I react to him badly and will stand up and confront him over what he does to me and to us as a couple - and yet I know this is wrong of me, but what do I do? How do I let him go his merry way and think he can continue to say the most cruelest of things without one sign of caring? If I let him go and say nothing - he says nothing - he acts as if he got one over on me and yet he can't see that inside I am craving for any love from him that is trustworthy and honest. You should not tolerate his cruel behavior. If he continues to abuse you, I would ask him to leave. Every time you tolerate it, you reward him for bad behavior.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Hi Ana,
Welcome! I am so sorry you are hurting. I would very much like to second MLs recommendation you email the radio show. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you.
As far as tolerating bad behaviour goes, you must make it clear you won't. Make it clear that you expect care and for your complaints to be taken seriously. Make it clear anger and disrespect won't be tolerated
Remember separation is not divorce. In many ways it is more respectful of marriage than unhappy inaction because it can help enforce the rules of marriage. Care, time, protection, respect.
Without these things, you don't have a marriage but a room mate.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 36
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Dear Melody,
Please don't apologize for taking time to reply. There is life apart from MB and don't expect you or anyone to be at my beck and call.
I have read everything on Love Busters over and over, and many other articles as well. Both my husband and I have also listened to many of the videos available. Love Busters is a book we have to wait for as we are not USA based. We have managed to get "Fall In Love Stay In Love" as it was in kindle format. Actually, my husband bought himself a copy and gifted me with one.
I have long known my husband's behavior is emotionally abusive to me. It sounds silly but I often feel I am being punished for something. At the same time, my fighting him back was making me no better in many ways, and I'm ashamed of that. It's hard to stay cool at someone who is saying extremely vile things and with no apparent conscience. But - way before MB I stopped "some" of the verbal abuse I threw back at him because I was becoming scared of being like him and saw that abuse truly can beget abuse.
In 2009 my health started to deteriorate. I was 29 yrs old and saw a specialist neurologist about unrelenting back pain. He had me scanned and tested and told me that due to a double curvature in my spine that when I was older I would be a cripple. I walked out, looked at my husband to be and said "I don't believe that." The folly of youth. It happened, although not so drastic I cannot care for myself and keep things tidy - do some minor cleaning and work my job as a graphic artist. The problem is that I went from super woman to what I am now and it has not only made me feel a major loss of self, but also a loss of the esteem and pride at what I once was to what I am now.
My husband will now and then say in a very unkind tone, "I have no life". I have been encouraging him for a long time to go do things without me etc. I have never, ever asked him to be there for me all the time. I don't need that. But when I hear him say that to me I just retreat inside and feel like my life makes him miserable and I am nothing but a burden because he lost super woman housewife. As my spinal problems are to the side, to the onlooker I appear as normal as anyone, but am far from it, and at times my pain is close to that of child birth.
I am frightened as to whether this is what is making my husband punish me for - and there are times I just want to crawl away.
My doctor will not concede to the anti-depressants. In fact he has stated that unreslolved grief of any issue will come back if I don't face it. I know he's telling the truth as I was both a worker in hopice direct with the dying and a grief councilor. My allergies are the major problem as far as getting him to concede - I cannot even tolerate tylenol, and that's pretty scary at times to suffer many things and yet not be able to take the drugs. I wish!!
If it came down to the wire with radical honesty here, I feel more scared and anxious over my marriage than depressed and suffer night flashes and awakenings to being shouted at that are not really there - the severe depression is a result of feeling guilty that I couldn't give my Mother a good death as I had with others. [Not Euthanasia - but deep palliative sedation].
We also don't live a normal life as others do. I have to work at night as my husband has severe sleep apnea which is life threatening. I keep an ear on him from my office - but the noise he makes is so loud I can hear it outside, and we made a deal that we would sleep in shifts. I am fine with this as I like the nights and he cannot help his condition.
We are managing to get in the UA time, in fact we always have spent a lot of time together - as stupid as it sounds we like each others company when things are good.
Anyway, not wishing to bore everyone, I have made it clear his poor behavior will not be tolerated anymore. Period.
I am trying so hard to be respectful and follow through on all I can to make him feel I really love him - that's sometimes hard as being so honest can probably come over as me being nasty when I am not, but I watch my tone and keep it business-like.
Thank you for posting back Melody. I appreciate the time you took to write me.
~Ana
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Joined: Oct 2012
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Hi indiegirl,
Thank you for your comments. Your advice is very sound and I have already put all of what you say into action.
I do not wish to separate at all - I want my husband and I to work on our marriage and end up very together.
If it came to the worse, I do realize the implications and understand what could have to happen.
In the end it depends on how much he wants our marriage or whether he even loves me - he is saying he does, and seems a bit better, but it's early days. I know from a long time that "time" is the truest measure.
At the moment I want to remain positive - I owe that to our marriage as he IS working on it.
Thanks so much for the post,
~Ana
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Ana please read my Plan B sig to prepare for a separation IF it is needed.
One more lovebust from your husband is too many imo, your mindset is so hurt it is akin to a bleeding body. You cannot take even ONE more wound.
Preparation and an escape route enforces the MB rules and keeps you calm even if not needed.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Apr 2012
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Hi Ana, Welcome to MB! So sorry for all your pain and the loss of your mother.  I think you may want to look into a product called 5 htp...you can look it up and research it online. It can be purchased without a script at any drug store, or places like Walmart. We lost our son unexpectedly almost two years ago, I was offered anti depressant meds, as well as anti anxiety meds. but was concerned about the side effects, as well as the things your Dr. mentioned, I felt I needed to be functional for my other children, and was afraid it could delay my process. I never took any of the scripts so I can't say if that would have been true or not. I can say the 5 htp has helped me and I can really feel a difference when I don't take it for a while. I asked my Dr. before taking, you should ask yours. I know how hard it is to try to be functional while grieving and depressed.
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