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A week ago, I found out my husband had an affair with my friend. Marriage builder has helped both of us a lot in salvaging the 10 years marriage. The lover is married to a loving husband and she has no intention to confess to her husband. Many times I have urge to call her husband to tell him! Why am I the only person suffering? But I wonder if I am doing this out of revenge or trying to "force" the honesty out of the lover. Should I or should I not? Please help. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Hi Xuan, yes you should call her husband and tell him about the affair. If his bookkeeper was stealing money from him would you hesitate to warn him? Well, an affair is more harmful than theft.
Your motivations are not relevant. What is important is that this man is informed that your husband and his wife are harming him behind his back.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And I would NOT tell your husband in advance. Just tell the OW's husband. Give him all the facts, evidence and give him your email and phone # in case he has follow up questions. I would also give him your husbands cell phone # in case he wants to call him - AND so he can watch his wifes phone and make sure your H does not call anymore.
Additionally, all of your family members, including children, should be told about his affair. The more people who know, the more people to hold your husband accountable.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks for the advice. I am also worried that the lover's husband will harm my husband after he knows the truth. I am so confused and loss...
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Thanks for the advice. I am also worried that the lover's husband will harm my husband after he knows the truth. I am so confused and loss... That is a risk that your husband is willing to take. If he is not worried about it, you shouldn't be either. Your husband HAS HARMED the OW's husband. Your husband is dangerous and reckless and this man needs to know so he can protect himself and his children from your H. Call the OW's husband and give him all the evidence. That is the decent thing to do.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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A week ago, I found out my husband had an affair with my friend. Marriage builder has helped both of us a lot in salvaging the 10 years marriage. The lover is married to a loving husband and she has no intention to confess to her husband. Many times I have urge to call her husband to tell him! Why am I the only person suffering? But I wonder if I am doing this out of revenge or trying to "force" the honesty out of the lover. Should I or should I not? Please help. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted By: Xuan
Thanks for the advice. I am also worried that the lover's husband will harm my husband after he knows the truth. I am so confused and loss... I wouldn't worry about your husband. Your husband was not afraid of the OW's husband whenever he was banging his wife.
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Xuan, your husband can't grow up to be a good man if you protect him from the consequences of his bad behavior. He can't be a good man if you help him hide his crimes by allowing him to hide behind your skirts. Help him be a GOOD MAN by letting him face the consequences of his scummy behavior.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, Xuan: The percentage of betrayed spouses who actually risk imprisonment in order to retaliate physically against their spouses' affair-partners is probably remarkably low. Most probably contemplate it, but few act. It's not in their self-interest to get into physical acts of revenge for which they can be prosecuted.
However, it is in your self-interest to have as many watchful eyes monitoring this other woman as you can possibly get.
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Thanks for all the advices!
Can I check in most cases.. will that lover's husband seek revenge or trying to salvage his own marriage?
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Xuan,
Is your husband currently trying to recover the marriage too?
If so, then his victim (the husband) needs to be told. If he is refusing this but claims "MB recovery", then there is your sign that this is not a true recovery.
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Thanks for all the advices!
Can I check in most cases.. will that lover's husband seek revenge or trying to salvage his own marriage?
It is far more probable that the affair will resume, than that the other woman's husband will attack your husband.
By NOT telling him, you will be guarding against the lower-probability outcome rather than against the higher-probability outcome.
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Thanks for all the advices!
Can I check in most cases.. will that lover's husband seek revenge or trying to salvage his own marriage? Xuan, if you tell the OW's husband it will give your husband an opportunity to apologize to him. If he is truly sorry he will want to do that. Your husband is a big boy. Don't help him hide from his victim.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Xuan, spin this around:
If the OW's husband had discovered the affair, how contemptuous would he be of YOUR welfare if he did not take steps to reveal to you your spouse's betrayal, allowing you to protect yourself from future infidelities by your spouse?
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So did you tell the OWH yet?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Xuan you have received excellent advice so far from Glove Oil and Melody Lane exlaining why you should expose to OWH. Apart from the benefits for your marriage, OWH has a right to know that there is a third person in his marriage and the damage this has caused. He needs to be made aware of the A so he can decide whether he wants to fight to save his marriage or focus on his own recovery. It is cruel and unfair to keep this from him.
Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14
"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
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Yes. Tell him.
Be honest. The bible says Do not partake in the deeds of darkness but instead expose them.
Speak the truth. Then you carry no secret to your grave
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Thanks for all the advices!
Can I check in most cases.. will that lover's husband seek revenge or trying to salvage his own marriage? In all the cases I've heard on this site, I've never heard of that happening (revenge). Anyway, it doesn't matter. If you or your H are worried about revenge, you should take steps to protect yourselves. If you are protected, it doesn't matter what the other woman's husband does when you reveal the truth to him. You need to let him know.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I have worried about the same thing. He sent all of them a text ending it, and saying that I would be contacting their husbands. One called to beg me not to. One said - you have the wrong number (nice try lady!). The other two didn't respond. He has now changed his phone number so they can't contact him.
But then I chickened out. I am scared for my family. I am nervous that this is revenge and anger talking, and I will regret it later. (My therapist had a client where the client's husband killed the OM.)
I found the husbands on Facebook - I thought about sending them an email. I thought about sending an anonymous letter.
Does anyone have experience with this - what did you do and how did it work out.
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I found the husbands on Facebook - I thought about sending them an email. I thought about sending an anonymous letter.
Does anyone have experience with this - what did you do and how did it work out. Hundreds of us have exposed to the affair partners spouse. It is the best thing you can do for your marriage because the spouses can protect themselves from your husband. Obviously they have a right and a need to know what your husband has done to them behind their backs. Please do not be a coward and send an anonymous letter. That can easily be dismissed. Send your full name, address, phone # and email address. Send the spouse any and all evidence you have and invite them to follow up with you with questions. I have been here and don't know of a single murder but your husband and his OW apparently are not concerned about it and they know the spouses the best. Therefore, you shouldn't be concerned about it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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