Yeah I agree I need to set up boundaries with him and that I need to do it now. I am working on those boundaries right now to present to him.

That is right you can't watch him. But you could first arrange so you are home TOGETHER by getting parallel work shifts. And you can demand he never go on a computer without you. He can't go on the internet on his phone if he has a dumb phone.

See, unless he arranges his life in a way that he can't do this again.............HE WILL DO IT AGAIN!! I promise you!!


He agreed to get you off his back. And it would be wonderful if he went to counseling because he go there and waste time talking about his childhood instead of working on his marriage. Most waywards love counseling because it is such a great distraction from the real problem.

Northwood, I agree with you. I am working on the boundaries right now that I need to set in place and the actions that I will take if he does not follow through.

Why would he keep the appointment and go through all the trouble of talking about his issues if there's no reason to?

People don't change enjoyable, albeit poor, behaviors unless they have a damn good reason for doing so. I would have happily kept up a two pack a day smoking habit if it could have been guaranteed that I wouldn't develop cancer.

Same thing with your husband. You have to hold him accountable to the standards that you require to stay married to him. It's then his choice on whether or not to acquiesce.

Gotcha

Set him down and explain that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a dangerous marriage where he trolls for chicks on the internet. Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if he makes radcial changes. Otherwise, this will lead to divorce. If he won't agree to these conditions, you should separate because a man who is actively and aggressively chasing nooky on the internet and inviting them into your home is dangerous! In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. never go on a computer again unless wife is there - password protect all computers and only BS has passwords

2. no nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about his affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

7. exchange cell phones and give him a dumb phone. Since he has given out his number to skanks, he should never have use of that number again. The BS should have that # so she can field skank calls.

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

I know that I have been lax when it comes to really sitting down with him to resolve these issues and get back on track. I have my own part in this too and I am working on that. In the past I threaten him that I will leave if I find another secret email or evidence that he has secret friends but I never follow through because he swears everything is just talk and nothing has ever happened beyond talk and I think I listen to it and believe it because it is easier for me to say that I believe him and our lives go on as if nothing has happened.

And p.s. I would tell everyone what he has been doing. Tell your kids, parents, close family and friends. They can hold him accountable and they can give you support.

I think a 12 step program for sex addiction may benefit your husband more than counseling.
But the thing is YOU can't change him.
You can only control how you respond to his behaviors.
An alcoholic can tell his wife: "I promise I won't drink anymore" then have a drink 10 minutes later. Words don't mean anything.
That's why you need to schedule a polygraph. Because you need to know the truth. And I highly suspect the truth is much worse than he now admits to

In dealing with addictions NEVER make a threat you are not willing to carry out

Your husband is a dangerous man!! He was willing to invite some skank into your home and have sex with her IN YOUR HOME!! That is about as destructive as it gets, my friend.

And I would also DEMAND that he get STD testing because I ASSURE you he has had sex with these women. Why wouldn't he? He is out hunting for it and has no boundaries whatsoever. It is not believable that he has not had anyone in your home for sex. I don't believe it!

This is where going to his command would help you.

I know he is in the military and you refuse to use this path. They can make sure his "work" is on the up and up.