Exposure is the most important first step in recovering your marriage.

I am feeling cowardly. I admit it.

One thing I wasn't sure about - I know exposure is extremely important to make sure it ends. Am I wrong to assume it isn't needed once my husband ended the affairs (and we put EPs in place to eliminate future contact)? Or is the idea that it helps ensure no future contact will occur - even if both parties say it is over?

Yes, you are wrong. Because his adultery partner's spouses have to be told. Your husband will never recover unless this happens. How will these men know what your husband did to them if you don't warn them? Keeping this secret hurts EVERYONE. It hurts your husband, the women and most especially these spouses.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping this a secret only serves to enable the AFFAIR. That HURTS your husband.

You have absolutely no rational reason to hide this affair. The only possible reason would be embarrassment of the affairees and that is not a good reason to hide an affair. They should be embarrassed.

What are your reasons for hiding this dirty secret from your husband victims?

I understand. It is a heart wrenching thing to do. I have done it myself and it broke my heart. But I could never live with myself if I did that to another human being. I have to live with my conscience and so do you.

I guess I feel like their mess is their mess - I have my hands full. All of the OW have been unfaithful in their marriage - in addition to my husband. One has already been caught. So part of me thinks that is their life to live.

So if your husband was stealing your neighbor's money you would ignore his crime and say "that is their life to live?" Seriously?

How will these men know what your husband did to them? What if they have STDs? Do any of these men have children?

And if I knew your husband was having affairs it would be ok with you to never tell you and just say "oh well, I feel like her mess is her mess?"

That is a good point. I wish I had been told earlier so that we could have stopped this earlier.

So when telling - is a Facebook message okay? I read the Exposure 101 link - include the details that I know and my contact information. Is a certain day best - closer to weekend so they don't get the bomb midday at work (I feel empathy for the other spouses...)

Anything else I should prepare for?

The best way to do it is via phone call, but you can do it via facebook message if that is all you have. Be sure and ask them to call you personally, though, to verify it is truly him. Many an OW has intercepted emails/facebook messages and deleted them. Tell them about the affair, dates, etc and give your full contact information.

I would also not tell your husband until AFTER you have informed every husband.

When I exposed an affair, the husband was shocked and upset. I told him how very sorry I was and I asked him to go get a pen and write down my email and phone # and encouraged him to call with follow up questions.

It will break your heart..

I am so scared. I have told my husband that I wanted to tell the spouses. He begged me not to. Thanks for all the help.

I am very concerned that he asked you not to tell the husbands. You know why? Ask yourself if a remorseful person would beg others not to inform his victim? That is NOT how remorse looks. People who are remorseful want to right their wrongs, they don't want to HIDE their wrongs.

TYPICALLY, when a wayward doesn't want the other betrayed spouse to know about the affair, it is so he can keep the affair door OPEN. By telling these betrayed husbands, you effectively slam the door shut so he can't go back.

And I understand you are scared, my friend! I was too!! But I knew it was the right thing to do. I had to FORCE myself to do it. It was not pleasant! But I knew I could never claim to have any principles if I didn't have the courage of my convictions. It's real easy to have "principles" when it is easy, but was I the kind of person who had principles when the going got tough? One can't claim to have principles if they only observe them when it is easy and convenient.

Of course he doesn't want you to tell the husbands of your husband's affair with their wives. Trust me I have been there it took me over twenty years to get the truth and finally closure. You will regret that you did not expose the affair and you will never fully recover if you don't expose.

I know he wishes all of this would just go away and we could move forward. I might be naive - maybe his motivation is to keep it open. I think it is more about humiliation and be held accountable to these other people. (We already exposed to our close friends and family. We didn't expose to anyone 'outside the trust circle' even though I know one of their sisters and really wanted to tell her what her sister had done...revenge was the only motive for that.)

I will send them the message to the husbands tomorrow. I guess one way to think of it - I have faced worse than this in the past three months! And I have survived more than I could have ever imagined possible.

I encourage you to tell her sister what she did. There is absolutely no virtue in hiding wrongdoing. Adultery is a serious and destructive act. The more people who know about it, the more people to hold them accountable.

Again, I have serious concerns about your husband's demonsrated "remorse," if any. Of course it is humiliating to admit wrongdoing, but when someone is remorseful, that is what they do. But your husband is more concerned about himself than his victims. That is not a sign of someone who is remorseful, I am sad to say.


Good for you! I know it is hard, but it is the right thing to do. And please take steps to make sure the OW don't intercept the message. OW are the sneakiest, most devious people on the planet.

I never thought about them intercepting the message. Maybe I should send them a Facebook message asking them to call me - that I need to speak to them privately about their wife and my husband? I do have work phone numbers for each, but I don't know if blindsiding them at work is the best option.

I think his affairs allowed him to live in fantasy world. Maybe he doesn't see those men as victims - even though they are. I never thought about it that way before.

I had to ask him - he just told me that he never thought about it that way. He said, now he can see that he is.

ecb, I would strongly encourage you to call them at work. If your H told the OW you would be calling them, I assure you they are probably watching like a hawk. You can call before lunch and tell them. Offer to meet them and give them any evidence you have. But I would certainly tell them right up front that your husband had an affair with their wife. They need to know immediately why you are calling. Then you can discuss with them how best to give them the details/evidence.

There is NO good time to tell someone bad news, so you just have to do it when you can.

You haven't forewarned your husband, have you?

I agree. And keeping it a secret helps the fantasy thrive. When you expose it, the fantasy is ruined. When these men know what your husband has done, your husband will have a better understanding of the gravity of his actions. He did a despicable thing to these men. He will be less inclined to do this again if he is able to see himself through the eyes of othes. That helps him become remorseful.

ecb if my wife was having an affair and someone knew it and didn't tell me I would be POed at that person for not telling me. It wouldn't matter where I was told just as long as I was told what my wife had done.

I haven't told him that I am going to do it, so he doesn't know. We discussed it over a month ago and I mentioned last week that I still intended to do it, but I never put a timeline on it.

I am going to email her sister. We have a lot of multiple acquaintances, so that might be uncomfortable later. But her sister got left by her husband when she was pregnant (for another woman). I still remember how terrible that was for her. Her sister is such a nice person.

And now I am pregnant, dealing with a husband that is unfaithful, and I just feel the urge to tell her that her sister this type of person.

Good deal. Then I am even more convinced you should call the husbands at work. Since you have given him a heads up, it is very likely he warned the OW and they are on the look out. You can't chance this to email or facebook. It should be done over the phone directly or in person.


Do you have a plan in place to ensure you and your H never cross paths with these women again? Has your H taken steps to affair proof your marriage?


That is the right thing to do, ecb. And just think, she needs to know so she can protect her OWN marriage.. We have cases of affairs where sisters go after their own sister's husbands, if you can imagine that.