Hi, I am so lost and need help because I don't want to lose my wife.

My wife and I have been married 2 years. It has been rocky most of the time, I have my flaws and she has hers and we argued and were unhappy a lot. About 7 weeks ago she became very distant for a period of 1 week. She would come home from work and immediately go up to bed. She would be on the phone up there for hours. Then when I came to bed she would go downstairs and continue talking on the phone til 1 or 2 am. She told me it was a girl friend from work and she had anxiety and couldn't sleep. I thought it was weird but didn't question her on then. Then after a week I asked why she needed to talk to her work friends so much when she sees them all day. She admitted it was a guy she was talking to. I got really mad and she left the house and has not been back since except to move all of her stuff out.

She has said this guy is only a friend. But I have proof that its more than friendship. She is living with him I know for sure and I have email proof of her saying she loves him and him saying it back to her. When I found that I was crushed and angry. Sometimes I feel like filing for divore and being done but those feelings leave quickly because I really o love her and I want her back. I am not sure if she is having sex I do think its an emotional affair but that hurts just as bad.

I don't know what to do. I try being nice to her and showing her love and she just returns that with hateful mean texts. She attacks my family and has just been so mean. We refuses to admit any fault in the problems in our marriage. She refuses to do marriage counseling with me. I know her friends at work are encouraging her to leave me and be with this other guy. She works at a salon and there are very worldly people there. They are actually the ones who introduced her to this guy so they all think this is ok. I think she is lying to her family and they are believing that he is just a friend. I have considered showing them the evidence but have not done it yet.

I have tried to explain to my wife why this is so wrong and she doesn't believe it. I have given her bible versus and she doesn't care. She autarky too me God brought this guy into her life to save her from me! That is crazy! Satan brough him in to destroy our marriage and she can't see it. I have asked her to read her bible and she told me she doesn't need to because she does what she wants. She is supposedly a Christian bu sure isn't acting like it.

Well I am in counseling for myself right now. Trying to deal with this and also become the husband God always wanted me to be so that I can be who she needs me to be if she ever comes back. Please pray for me and my wife. If anyone has been through a similar situation before if you could give any advice on the best way to proceed to try to save my marriage I would appreciate it. Sorry that was so long.

I am sorry for the reasons you are here Ryan, but welcome. You are in the best place to learn how to survive this.

It sounds at this point that you want to try to save your marriage. Dr Harley is an expert in taking the steps needed to do this, so please keep reading and posting.

Since you already have evidence of the A, your first steps are to expose far and wide to anyone who may exert influence on your WW. Meanwhile, you need to enter Plan A, and be the man your WW fell in love with.

Get busy reading and start putting what you learn into action. Come back after reading this and let us know who your target exposures are and how you will go about it.

BTW, do you have any children and what are your ages?

Exposure 101

No children. We are young. Well she is. I'm 31 she is 24. That is part of the problem she is very immature. But I know this guy she is with is actually older than me! He is 34.

The evidence I have isn't a lot but i talked to a lawyer and it is enough to prove adultery in court. I have an email from her to him and his response. Lets just say nobody should talk to her like that except her husband. And I know from a PI that she has a key to his house and that is where she is living. No proof of PDA though.

I have decided that I am going to try plan A but it is hard because she isn't living with me and has very little contact with me unless she wants something from me. And I am not going to be giving her money or help unless she absolutely needs it. She makes enough to live on her own since she has no bills and me giving her money is just going to enable her to keep doing what she is doing.

I do want to tell her family. My first thought after finding that email (which was last week) was to tell her parents. But I am hesitant to do that because I know that if I do tell them. Then she will know that I have access to her accounts and all passwords will change and I will not have any knowledge of what she is doing from then on so that is why I haven't done it yet.

I want to discuss it with my counselor but unfortunately I don't meet with him again until 11/29 because he is on vacation.

My entire family already knows although they haven't seen the proof. My parents have but that's it. I want to tell her parents, brother, and aunts and uncles and cousins. She has a very close family. Unfortunately I only have contact information for her parents and one of her cousins. I know she has been telling them lies and half truths about me and conveniently leaving out how she treated me in our marriage. I know this because of a message between her aunt on Facebook. I also wish I could Facebook her family and friends but do not have a Facebook account and if I create one now they won't accept a friend request from me.

Also a little background on this guy, first I have no clue who he is. I know his name and where he lives and that is it. I do know that he is in the marines and how my wife got involved with him is through a friend at her work. Her friends boyfriend is a marine and they are going to a marine ball next weekend and the girl said "it would be cool if you could come too" and told my wife she could go with her boyfriends friend. When my wife asked if she could go months ago I said no and I didn't think it was right for her to go with some guy I don't know even if they are just friends. Well she never liked that and was set on going no matter how many times I said no so I believe she had been texting this guy even before she became distant.

And can someone post what all the abbreviations mean, I know some but not all. Sorry if there are spelling mistakes. This is on an iPad with autocorrect on.

Most Common MB Acronyms (Alphabetically):

AO = Angry Outburst
BS = Betrayed Spouse
D-Day = Discovery Day
DH = Divorced Husband or Darling/Dear Husband
DJ = Disrespectful Judgement
DV-Day = Divorce Day
DW = Divorced Wife or Dear Wife
EA = Emotional Affair
EN = Emotional Needs
FWH = Former Wayward Husband
FWW = Former Wayward Wife
FOO = Family of Origin
FS = Faithful Spouse ("betrayed")
G&T = "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"
H = Husband
HNHN = "His Needs, Her Needs"
LB = Love Bust(er)
MB = Marriage Builders
MLC = Mid-life Crisis
OC = Other Child (S's and OP's)
OM = Other Man
OMW = Other Man's Wife
OP = Other Person
OPS = Other Persons's Spouse
OW = Other Woman
OWH = Other Woman's Husband
PA = Physical Affair
POJA = The Policy of Joint Agreement
RA [/b} = Revenge Affair
[b]S = Spouse
SAA = "Surviving An Affair"
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SF = Sexual Fulfillment
SO = Significant Other
W = Wife
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WH = Wayward Husband
WW = Wayward Wife
WS = Wayward Spouse ("betrayer")

Relationship Acronyms:
BF = Biological Father/Boyfriend
BIL = Brother In Law
BM = Biological Mother
DD = Darling Daughter
DS = Darling Son
FIL = Father In Law
GF = Girlfriend
GP = Grand Parent(s)
MIL = Mother In Law
SD = Step Daughter
SF = Step Father
SIL = Sister In Law
SM = Step Mother
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex

MB specific Acronyms (CB MB forum members)
CB = Coined By
P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens (CB… NSR... see Inspire (20))
PTC = Patience, Time and Consistency (CB… NSR... for Plan A to work!)
TDNT = That Do Nothing Thing (CB… NSR/RMA)

Generally accepted Acronyms:
BTW = By The Way
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
LMAO - Laughing My *Rump* Off
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
ROTFLMAO = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My *Rump* Off
EOM = End Of Message

Divorce/Custody Acronyms:
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CS = Child Support
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
DCW = Dept. of Child Welfare
FOC = Friend Of the Court
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome

You need not provide written proof (email) to her parents or anyone else during your exposure. Good God, dude, a simple, "Skanky moved out of our house and is cohabiting with another scumbucket and carrying on an affair, at the following address" should be enough to get their attention, without notarized documentation.

STOP DAWDLING!!!

The longer her getting shagged by OM at his house becomes the "norm" the less likely you are to break up their affair.

Rip off the shroud of secrecy, and see to where the rats run, before deciding on a choice of Plan A or B. BUT DO IT TODAY!!!

My wife said that God wanted her to commit adultery too.

You really need to expose it. It's your best hope at killing this affair.
Affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness. Exposure brings light on it

Adultery by a service member is a punishable offense under Article 134 of the UCMJ. You must contact this Marine's command and report that he is living with a married woman. Be prepared to give them access to your evidence and ask that he be placed under a no contact order immediately.

Ryan, you can take control. Do it. Now.

You, my good man, are running this show.

You are to go show all those "close relatives" of your philandering wife the proof she is being diddled by someone not you. Case closed. Post haste. Let those chips fall where they may. No better way to end this than that.

Next, you dont give her another red cent. (Are you kidding me? You've given her money knowing she out with another dude? C'mon.)

Then, you go report this loser to his superiors.

Now, you need to know that this has little to do with you. This is about your wife's lack of boundaries around men. And she let some scum sucker meet some needs you may have not.

Some things to know when she comes out of her fog and you wish to continue to stay married which may happen after exposure or when he reports to work and says adios which is my bet. He aint giving up the corps or career for married clandestine tookie.

1. She'll need to leave that job with all those enablers and miscreants
2. She'll need to commit to you and your marriage with all the Marriage builders trimmings like Just Compensation and etc.
3. She'll need to tell you all that you require to know about her A.
4. You will get access to all of her passwords to cells, emails, Facebook, what have you. And you will get complete transparency on all her moves.
5. You'll need to learn just what she was missing from you that led her to Sgt. S-head and start to step up on that front

Anything short of whats on this list aint the marriage you want.

Zillions of woman were married by age 24 so dont use immaturity as an excuse.

First things first you call her family and his boss and expose.

You are drving this bus, Ryan, make no mistakes. Now toughen up and keep us posted.

PS. Ill tell you my counseling story some other time, but suffice to say, all you'll need to get you thru this ordeal either positively or otherwise will be right here.

I'm sure this is the most difficult time of your life up until now....

Make sure reconciling is what you really want. You'll have time to really think about this over the coming months.

My wife had her first affair in law school 10 years ago. We had no kids and she moved out for the last semester of school. We ended up reconciling AFTER I started to move on with my life. Fast forward to last year.... Another affair surfaces but now we have kids. I often think about why I wanted to reconcile 10+ years ago and whether it was the right choice given what I knew.

My message is this... Follow the advice given here, pick yourself up and be strong if you want to save your marriage BUT also ask yourself often if this what you want and why. You've only been married for a few years... You dont have kids and your finances are not entangled.... It can get worse (or better)...

Phoenix raises a good point.
I was married 10 years and am now divorced. My ex wife left us for her affair partner.
At first I was devastated but now truly enjoy and am happy being single.

The question that I learned to ask myself is: does my happiness depend on others ? (such as my cheating wife)

I know I can be happy being single but right now I do still love her and want to work it out. But I am not willing to take her back if she does not make changes. She has to go to counseling and correct a lot of issues. If she is unwilling to do that then it won't work out. I am in love with the person she used to be. Not this person she is now.

You've only been married two years.

It has been rocky most of the time.

You have no kids.

You're young.

Consider yourself lucky. You can get out of this before you invest any more.

Ryan, the only thing you can do in this situation is control your self. You have little influence over her right now. You need to be strong and attractive for her (and more importantly for yourself). You need to be prepared that IF she decides she wants to work on the marriage it may be some time before she decides that. This does not mean you sit home and be miserable.

This is easier said than done (I know) but its the only chance you have. It will take you a while to get your feet under you. That is natural. When you talk to her or see her be nice, look good, be strong and at least portray yourself as ready to move on.

Why would your wife come back? Seriously... ask yourself this.

My wife and I grew up together and our family's WERE close. Neither one of us wanted a failed marriage or the stigma that comes along with it (small town). We didn't have kids and our finances were simple. But finally what happened (now that I look back on it) was that she finished law school and her boyfriend moved away. She was alone and saw that I was also moving on too. When she realized she was gonna be alone she clung to me.

We did not ever properly recover. We saw a marriage counselor which was a freaking waste of time/money (especially while she was having an affair). Usually the marriage counselor realizes your wife is in an affair and knows he cant get through to her so he turns his attention to you. 10 years ago this really pissed me off and turned me away from the whole thing cause I didn't understand that bit of the strategy. After all, I didn't have the affair. But if you think about it, what else can do they. They want your money so they have to do something. You can get your act together without a MC....

Anyways, if sometime in the future she does come around, you have to get her on board with MBs or you will be in the same situation again in the future (I promise you.... Read the threads you see it over and over again).

If I had had a chance to do the first affair over again.... I WOULD RUN

Well count your blessings though Phoenix.
You and I both walk away from marriage with children.
In Ryan's case he has his whole life ahead of him

Ryan, you can still find and marry a great gal and have a great marriage some day.
Or maybe work in this marriage. If you do make sure you follow the Mb program