I've been separated for 7 months and married for almost 12 years. I filed for divorce a couple of months ago and held off on serving him until I was 100% sure. Ok, so here goes my story...

My H and were arguing a lot and it became unbearable. He seemed to pick fights with me and criticize my every move. It was very frustrating and I tried to talk to him about our issues but he didn't seem to care. I say he didn't seem to care because he just sat there while I talked and wouldn't say a word. It was like talking to the wall.

He was very disrespectful during our arguments and caught him looking at me with disgust at times. Having the person you love with all of your heart do that to you hurt so much. I felt hopeless and threatened him with divorce a few times. I never really wanted a divorce but that was the only way I would ever get his attention. I felt I had no choice and knew it was wrong. Not only was he treating me badly, but I was also coping with an affair he had a couple years ago with a coworker.

A little background...

After I discovered the affair, he was very remorseful and begged for me not to leave him. He knew an affair was a deal breaker for me. I didn't leave him and I suggested MC and only went once because H made excuses not to go. Naturally, I was having a hard time with his betrayal and went to IC. It helped me but my H never gave me anything to hang onto. We never did what was necessary to survive from an affair in our marriage. Our feelings only festered and grew resentful towards each other.

Okay, so let's go back to 7 months ago (two years after the affair) when all we did was fight. I suspected infidelity again due to his behaviors and my gut instinct. I had no proof of an affair, but after questioning him and discovering he lied to me about a "work trip", he left me. At first, he stated the problem wasn't me, it was all him and needed space to figure things out. Completely denied an affair and grew colder each day. Later, he was blaming me for everything and I was shocked by the things he said. He never complained about anything. If anything, he would tell me what a great wife I was and how he loved me more than life. He became a complete stranger and I was devastated and going crazy from all the emotions.

I suggested MC several times, begged and pleaded for him to stay with me and it only pushed him away. He responded with cruelty and decided to tell me about a woman he had met. That's when I decided to go dark and file for divorce. We had a couple false R when he saw I was moving on, but he backed off the moment I would question him about anything. He changed passwords to everything (cell phone, email and credit card accts.) and when I asked him to be transparent by providing passwords during our R, H refused and stated that I should just be able to trust him. Say what? It's apparent H not putting any effort into our marriage and has admitted to it because he feels I will never change. H states I will never stop questioning or ever trust him. How can I if he doesn't do anything to earn his trust?

I am not playing his games or putting myself through anymore pain. I've been through enough and I'm stepping off this roller coaster ride. We barely speak to each other now and only communicate when it pertains to our only child. The gut wrenching pain is subsiding now and I'm beginning to hate him. I think I'm very close to to moving on and forgetting all about our history together. I've given myself a date to serve him and that day is approaching. It's so sad.

I apologize for the long post.

I'm so very sorry for the pain you are suffering and have suffered. You are in a great place for getting help and support for either divorce or trying to save your marriage.

Do you want to try and save your marriage at this point? Of course, no one here would fault you for divorcing an adulterous husband.

If you would like help in killing the affair, I would ask the mods to move your thread to "Surviving an Affair."

I suggest going there anyway, because you will get a lot of very good guidance.

You should expose the affair to anyone who has influence in your husband's life:

Tell your parents, his parents, your child, your siblings.
Tell his friends, the friends of the OW, the husband of OW, if she is married.

Here's a very good thread on Exposure. --> Here

Exposure does two things:
You will get much-needed support. This is probably the most painful and difficult experience of your life.

The affair partners will get a dose of reality when they are seen for who they are. Affairs thrive on secrecy, but when the truth is revealed, many affairs blow up.


For the time being, take very good physical care of yourself. Many betrayed spouses (BS) take antidepressants for a few months to help them think more clearly.

After you read MelodyLane's exposure thread, please let us know what you think.

Have you seen Dr. Harley's video on infidelity? It's a great place to start. Infidelity

Serve him the divorce papers through certified mail or pay the Sheriff to serve him.
Read about plan B and cut off all contact with him

Thank you LWFH and HDW! I appreciate the kind words and advice.

I don't think I want to save my marriage at this point. I really don't know my H anymore and not sure if I want to live a life worrying about his whereabouts or if he's being truthful about anything.

H has been hot and cold all this time and can't deal with it any longer. Sadly, it looks like divorce will be best in my situation. I hope I'm right.

That's your choice.
Some people reconcile. Others divorce.
My marriage ended in divorce.
Some spouses literally become parole officers in a marriage and I wouldn't be able to handle the stress. My wife's cheating made me a mess, mentally and emotionally.
Fortunately I buried myself in exercise so I didn't get too messed up.

If you are going to divorce I strongly encourage you to research plan b and follow it.
Go into plan b as soon as you can legally separate or get him out of the house.
If you have kids plan for custody.

Here's a link to Plan B, which many on the boards here recommend for people with a spouse, ex or otherwise, involved in an active affair. Plan B

There are some awesome Plan B-ers who can help you through this, if you need it. Many have not been able to recover their marriages, but they have recovered themselves and moved on emotionally and are healthy. The sooner you can get into Plan B, the better for your health. Please seriously consider it.

Look up Neak, Indiegirl, and Scottie for a start.

Have you exposed to everyone important in your husband's life? Everyone ought to know the cause of the divorce is adultery.

Thanks again, LWFH and HDW.

HDW-That's the thing...I wouldn't want to be a parole officer and refuse to be one. No marriage should be that way and because he hasn't lifted a finger to earn my trust, I know the stress of it all will make things worse or me. I'm getting numb at this point.

LWFH-H has been out of the house for 7 months and everyone knows about the affair. I kind of began a plan B without knowing what it was. I guess now that I read the link you've provided, I can fine tune it.

I need to be strong and get better emotionally. My kiddo needs her mommy back! I can't wait until my new life begins!

I have been divorced a few months and have had only limited contact with my ex wife.
It is so nice to be away from that chaos.

If you are done and want to divorce then I suggest you make a plan and just stick with it. It can be emotionally draining but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Do you have someone who can be your intermediary (IM)? Here is the link to a great thread on how to be one.

IM Training

An IM helps reinforce a really good and tight Plan B, which will protect you from the cruelty of the affair.

What do you do if nobody wants to be an IM? Basically, all the IM's I thought of are very upset with him.

So far, I've provided a letter and H questioned why I wanted out so bad. Really? Does he really think I'm just going to sit around and wait for him until he decides he doesn't want the single life anymore?

I'm totally ignoring him and will continue to do so unless it has anything to do with our child. Because I've been ignoring him, he's been texting and calling more often. Ugh! Not responding and I'm so proud of myself!

You don't know anyone that can remain neutral? They just need to be a filter and pass on related kids/financial info.

No one?

You can block his number.

GU, have you exposed the identity of the OW to your friends and family? The reason I ask is because you want to make sure that everyone knows the identity of the rat and won't welcome her into the fold. If your inlaws are like many families, they won't want this OW to darken their doorstep. Your children should be told everything about the affair too so your husband does not introduce her into their lives. They have a right to know her part in the break up of their family. She is their enemy.

You want to do everything in your power to damage their affair so your children are not stuck with a skank for a "step mommy" for the next 5 years.

Another thing I would strongly suggest is exposing the affair to the OW's family. Her family should know that she is having an affair with a married man. You can usually find her family members on her facebook page.

I would do this even though you have decided to get a divorce, because you want to do as much as possible to get this OW out of your life and your children's lives. Otherwise, your husband will subtly introduce her to his family with "GivingUp and I are getting divorced and I met this new woman!" Rather than the truth, which is his affair caused the breakup of your marriage.

Affairs thrive on secrecy so making sure it is widely exposed you increase the odds that it dies off. I doubt you want to have to hear about this skank for years after you are divorced.

Would any of them agree to be neutral and just act as a spam filter for you? It is a real easy job if you do it right. She/he would only need to pass on pertinent information about the children and finances.

Okay. Here's the deal. I believe there's more than on person he's been fooling around with. One of the women can possibly be a coworker and I have no way of getting any concrete evidence unless I hire a PI. He has quite a commute to work and know he doesn't go anywhere near work on the weekends. My guess is that the woman is probably committed or probably believes anything my H tells her for not being around on weekends. It can also be the woman from a couple of years ago in which he admitted to. He either rekindled things with that woman or it never ended. H claims he has nothing going on with anyone at work.

The second woman is a local girl that he admitted talking to and claimed was over during our false R. I don't believe H due to the fact that he never gave me access to the cell phone records. There can still be something there but I haven't fished around because in reality, I could care less. I don't want to hurt anymore and just want to divorce H so I can move on. I believe this man went into a MLC. After sending him the letter he stated that he doesn't know what he wanted anymore.

Everyone knows about the local woman except my child. I guess I'll have to sit down with my child and have that talk. I thought by not telling my child, I was protecting them from getting hurt more any further. I

And, I found a friend that would be an IM.

How old is your child?

It's great you found an IM. Having one will make your life much easier.

There is no such thing as a MLC. I don't know offhand where Dr. Harley talks about this, but I've heard him say it many times. MLC is the excuse a lot of people use to justify really bad behavior. Besides, lots of young people also have affairs.

The reason people have affairs is because we're all wired to have them. The ones who don't have affairs have strong boundaries around the opposite sex, not allowing one to meet any of their intimate emotional needs.

Your child needs to know what happened, because they will make up their own understanding. Just tell her the truth about her father. Here's where Dr. Harley explains about telling a child about her parent's adultery -- > Here

Here What to do with an Unfaithful Husband

Also this.

Oh, wow! Thank you all so much for the wealth of information you've provided. You guys are the best! I really hope you're all in a better place than I've been lately.

I haven't had much time to read everything Dr. Harley recommends on this forum and have a lot of catching up to do!

HDW-My child is 10

I just wish I could just fast forward through time and get me to the next chapter.