Hi, I have been with my wife for 12 1/2 years. We have had a rough relationship but I want to work it out and have read a ton of information on our problem including His Needs, Her Needs; Love Must be Tough, all info on this site and several others. I understand the concepts and want to put them into practice. My wife refuses to try it because we went to one counselor before and it didn't work. We have 3 children.

My wife started "talking" to a "friend" about a month ago and I found out about it last week. She had come home from the bar where her and her friends go out to dance and David was a regular. My wife is very attractive and gets approached a lot but has always told everyone she is happily married even when we weren't very happy at the time. After talking to David a few times they ended up dancing. My wife came home that night and told me what happened and said it was innocent. I let her know I wasn't happy about it and asked that it stopped immediately before it turned into more. She turned that request into "you don't want me to talk to any guys? You talk to girls all the time!!" We both have friends of the Opp sex but we have never had any sort of inappropriate contact like that. Two weeks after "the dance" I asked if the OM was going to be there and she flipped out and said she wanted a divorce. We hadn't even been arguing but I wanted to know. This raised my curiosity so I checked her phone that night. Sure enough, 3 texts and several calls over the previous 3 days. I confronted her and she said they were just friends and that he had asked her about making a website. She doesn't know anything about websites. The text messages went:
Wife - "R u coming out?"
David - "Not tonight. Maybe we can do something saturday or sunday. Have fun and i look forward to hearing from u later."
Wife - "Really? That's too bad. Wish u were here!"
She tried to tell me that they were innocent but I have never said Wish u were here to any of my friends. I asked her to disconnect the relationship entirely before it evolves and she refused at first. I asked her last night if there was any contact yesterday and she said there was. I asked what was said and she said she didn't remember exactly but she told him that she needed space to figure out what she wants as she has never been alone. She has tried to convince me that she just wants to get her head together and see if she wants to work out our problems and that there is nothing going to happen between them because she can control how far it goes. I asked to see the texts and she deleted them. I asked why delete them if they were innocent and she said she thought I would be mad anyway. I haven't even raised my voice while discussing the whole issue.

She wants me to leave the house and the only place I have to go is to my brother's house which is 30 mins away but my truck is in bad shape. I would rarely get to see my kids but she called me yesterday to ask if I could drive here every morning to get the kids on the bus then drive another 30 mins to work which puts me there an hour late everyday. Why should I move out if you want me to come here everyday and get the kids off to school?

I am writing this to ask if I should leave the house because I don't want to. It kills me to be away from my family.

As far as my attempts to get her to learn these methods and put them into practice, she says I am bullying her. That is untrue as we were both discussing it all last night and she was attentive. I'm ready to throw in the towel on trying anymore. I just can't bring myself to believe completely that she eliminated David from the equation and that is a part of why she wants me out. I also care about her and don't want to put her through the stress of us arguing over it all of the time.

Her birthday is next week and I want to take her to dinner to her favorite restaurant like I always do but I don't know if it will be viewed as another attempt to reconcile. I just want to be with her. We also have Thanksgiving and Christmas coming.

I should add that if one of us leaves it has to be me because she makes more money than I do and I can't afford the house. I have offered to contribute to the bills every week but I am on the deed and don't have to leave legally. Should I just go and give her the space she is asking for? Being away from all of them is going to kill me.

DO.....NOT.....LEAVE.....YOUR.....HOME!

Do you not understand what is going on here? She is considering replacing you in her life with "David". The LAST thing you should be doing is making it easier for her. THIS is what you should be doing:

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Do not leave the marital home

I also think you should go have a talk with David, and let him know your position on opposite sex friends . . .

They will all support her, her parents have cheated on each other numerous times but I don't think each other knows, my wife and I know though. I dont think anyone will think anything of it because they are "just friends". Do I have to wait for them to screw? It will be too late for me by then as I couldnt forgive her. I dont even know if I can get past all of these lies.

You really need to listen to the advice. It is your only hope. And I really don't think you will make it because you have such amazingly poor boundaries as a husband. Your wife goes out to bars without you and has male friends? Really? I don't know many husbands who would tolerate that for 2 seconds, so why do you? That is WHY your wife is having an affair.

Your wife is having an affair and it is going to the next level if you don't stop it. If she does have sex with him, that will mean it has escalated to a more emotionally entrenched level of the affair.

Is the guy married?

I would be surprised to hear this is her first affair if she hangs out in bars without you.

Two things amaze me about your response:

Do I have to wait for them to screw?

1) Who the hell hinted that you should wait for anything? Every response has been to stand up for yourself RIGHT NOW, and do everything possible to break this up. And you ask if you should wait?

2) As far as their engaging in carnal activities (to "screw", in your parlance): Dude, why do you think she wants the freedom to be provided by your leaving the home? Potential WWs use the "I want to get my head together," line all the time. The translation (you don't yet speak "wayward") is "I have to figure out if the OM prefers missionary or recumbent position for coitus."

And btw: Ignore finances when it comes to leaving. Her being the higher earner only means you will have the opportunity to sue for financial support from her if she leaves.

STAY...IN...YOUR...HOME!

Thank you all, ok, I am staying. What EXACTLY do I do as far as interacting with her in the home then? Do I hide in my office in the basement when she's around? Do I sit home with the kids like I have been doing when she goes out? Do I continue to try to communicate with her? I didn't confront the OM because my Coach told me not to, he said that I owe the OM nothing and there is no need to do it. It could even push her closer to him. I agree with and feel everything you guys are saying and I want to be with my wife and happy. I feel I have the tools to accomplish this goal but I need to know how to get her in the position of being willing to get help and save our marriage.

I have the boundaries I have only because she has been very faithful until now. We have been having problems for the last couple of years and I haven't been fulfilling her emotional needs as she was not fulfilling mine and now she has begun to be attracted to someone else. I am trying to lay down guidelines like we only go out together etc but if she is unwilling to spend time with me then what am I supposed to do? I can't exactly duct tape her up and lock her in a closet. As soon as I found out about this I brought it to her attention and told her I wanted it to stop NOW. She says she backed up but how am I supposed to verify that? She has always worn her wedding bands and told everyone that approached her that she was married... happily married. This time she told him she was married but they continued to talk anyway. He knows she's married. He doesn't care.

Neither I, nor Dr. Harley agree with your "Coach." Your reluctance to confront the intruder into your marriage could be construed by others, including the OM and your wife, as a lack of care for your marriage.

Most OM's are in it, at least initially, for that easy piece of tail. When the costs and risk factors begin to rise, the benefits typically become not worth the trouble and they scurry from the exposure like the vermin they are.

If I were in your situation, I would immediately confront the man who's chasing after your wife to let him know that you will be fighting for your marriage.

One-out-of-one surveyed infidelity experts who host this web site agree:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2622376

D-pa,

You need to buck up. I dont give 2 hoots about who's the bread winner over there. Dont make no never mind, as it were.

You go expose the living heck out of this woman's affair. Far and wide. Yes, the children need to know that mommy is up to no good. Theres info on this site to assist with that.

After exposure, you are to lay out the things you will require for your marriage to not just continue, but flourish.

Numero Uno is SHE CANNOT GO DANCING WITHOUT D-PA AS HER ONLY PARTNER. WTF is that about?

There is a process here that needs to be followed or'se it doesnt work so well.

But, now you are to man-up and lay down the law and if she doesnt oblige then you are going to tell her that any divorce action miserable for her. But, thats way down the road.

EXPOSE. EXPOSE. EXPOSE. And, keep us posted and you'll get some real good next steps.

I just found out that she has been looking for apartments for me to move into. She also looked into the movie Live, Eat, Pray (google it) and she has read articles like this ***EDIT***/Dont-Know-If-I-Want-To-Be-Married-Anymore/**EDIT**

I feel totally defeated. I am trying everything I can to save our relationship and she just wants out. I love my family and am only now learning how to show that love in the way that is most appreciated by her. I was trying to show love in the way that a man understood and had nothing but good intentions but it wasn't what she needed. Now I know what she needed and it's too late. It feels like the more I fight her the further away she gets. I listened to some audio clips on the internet about how to pull your partner back and they say to leave happily and give her everything she wants. When I walk away she will start to miss me but she is in her environment in our house so the only thing missing would be me, the thing she wants rid of. I can't fathom doing this to her. I know I hurt her, completely inadvertantly as it was, I still hurt her and she seems to be past the point of no return. Is it unfair to tell the children the truth? It just seems to go against every grain of my being.

You don't know what she told guys who approached her.
You only know what she SAID she told guys who approached her.

She has a wayward mentality. That means that even if she has been honest and trustworthy in the past -- SHE IS NOT NOW.
So first and foremost, you need to get your information directly - and stop relying on what she says. She will look you right in the eye, swearing on her childrens's lives -- AND LIE TO YOU.

She has no interest in scaling back the relationship with David, because she's getting something out of it. Maybe its flattery, or admiration, or excitement. But she will not be willing to give it up. She will protect it with lies.

So start snooping. Keep track of her.

And start Plan A. That means correct your past mistakes, make the marriage a good choice, and expose her affair (even if its only emotional) as soon as you have evidence.

I have been trying to use Plan A for the last 5 days and starting at the same time she has been acting nice towards me but also doing the things that I listed on my last reply. I don't know what to do to get her out of the "I want out" mentality.

By the way, she has not had any contact with him since she "said" she told him to back off. I checked the phone records on her cell although I can't tell what she has done on other phones.

YOU ARE NOT LEAVING THE MARITAL HOME!!!

If you leave, a judge can rule against you for abandonment.

Let her leave, and then you can sue her for custody and child support.

And BTW: She's probably already had sex with this guy. Snoop more, and don't be surprised how much crap you find out.

She's lying.

I still need to know how to act in our home if I am going to stay here. Plan A is to be supportive and earn credits etc but I am so furious right now I could rip someone apart. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and am not a good actor. I let her know what I like and what I don't. I am also considering a drive to the OM's house this evening after I vote. Please give me some idea of how to handle things at home and I will re-read everything on the site again. Thanks

Also, my kids are 5, 8 and 12, does that matter? WTH do you say to a 5 or 8 yr old?

OK, I had posted the problem from the beginning ***EDIT*** and everyone there is telling me to leave happily and I don't know what to do. They say she will come back to me if I just walk away and act like nothing happened. I'm so ***EDIT*** confused I don't know which way is up. I wanna go over to the OM's house and beat his [censored] until his mother wouldn't recognize him.

Stay in your home.

She had the affair, she can leave.

Her fantasy idea is of rainbows, butterflys, and unicorns and having you move out and OM move in and stepping in as a father to your children. Is this what you want to have happen?

Stay in your home.