I don't know which way is up.

Fair enough! Now we're getting somewhere. Since you admit you're basically clueless about what to do, how about following our suggestions, starting with mine of 7:29am (my time) this morning?

Or are you one of the folks who come here to whine, complain, and weep, without having the fortitude to fight?

Speaking of "fighting" - Keep your rage toward OM contained. Judges (aka: once-and-future divorce lawyers) LOVE to create reasons to drive BHs out of their own house. Do NOT tell Skanky how you feel. Do NOT angrily confront OM, yet. (There will be a time for that, but not when your self-control is at its most tenuous.)

Don't misconstrue my advice as advocating violence. If you don't think you can control yourself, don't confront him right away.

NeverGuessed can help you with this. He'll attest that it's even more difficult to gain control of the situation when you're behind bars (heh, heh, heh!).

As for confronting, I encourage you to bring a friend with you. Don't approach him yourself.
Loosing your temper and sending this scumbag to the hospital will only get you a ticket to jail.
In a perfect world you could go kill the sob with no consequences. But unfortunately you can't.

It's very important you stay in your home.
The first step is to expose this affair.
Also you need to get a recorder (some phones have built in recorders) and secretly record your activities in the home.
A lot of women will fabricate stories of violence or abuse to get the husband kicked out, only to move their boyfriend in!
You don't want that to happen! So keep a recorder on you at all times.

Please listen to the advice you have been given. MB will provide you with a plan for your own personal recovery and the best chance of marital recovery.

If you look at the articles Dr Harley has written on the MB website and read the threads in Notable Posts you will see why it is important to remain in your home, tell your children the truth and the benefits of exposing the affair.

We have many valuable posters on this forum who have been BS and FWS their insight will help you along the way

Here.

Men Don't Leave your Home
I encourage BHs to contact OM Dr. Harley

No wonder you find yourself confused. Dr. Harley has many years of experience working with infidelity and has helped thousands of couples bust up the affair and recover their marriages.

If you want really solid guidance from people who have used Marriage Builders to recover their marriage, then it's best to stick with just the MB forum. As posters, we are obligated to stick with MB guidance, which has worked for thousands of couples.

MB's guidance is tailored for gender. As a man, Dr. Harley would not advise you to "walk away." Your wife would see that as uncaring and further justification for her affair. He advises a man to fight for his wife.

There are many forums out there on the Net, but MB has a plan.

Thankyou Brainhurts ... I still can't link

NeverGuessed can...attest that it's even more difficult to gain control of the situation when you're behind bars
All true - four of the WORST hours of my life!

I've been thinking about my first marriage and remembered how much pain I went through when she left and when I got the papers etc. I decided to call a lawyer to get a consultation for a divorce. No, I still don't want it but she does and I can't fight her anymore on our marriage being fixed. It's destructive and a major toll on all of us, even the kids. I want to get as much info as I can from the lawyer so I know what is going to be involved and to see if it's possible for me to keep the house. I told her that I scheduled the appt and she got mad... I don't understand why tho. She was banging stuff around and driving like a mad woman. I don't get it, I thought that was what she wanted.

Do NOT talk about lawyer with your wife.
You need this to be stealth.
Get a recorder ASAP.
Freeze your joint bank account.

You've introduced conflict into her happy fantasy. She wants everything at home to stay as is: you watching the kids when she wants to be with OM, her being at home when she isn't with him.

She's an addict right now, Down. They're erratic. They want their comfort zone (home and children) and they want their 'hit' - the OM. You're taking away a vital component of her addicted lifestyle by forcing her to see the reality of her actions. Good for you! That's hugely helpful to saving your marriage.

Really? It is a good thing? ok then, I don't think this next tid-bit is gonna go over so well... Our son kept asking us to have family night tonight as we have never had a set family night and it looks like we never will.

I asked my wife to handle the question since she is the one that wants to divorce. We ended up having a talk for our very first family night and she told our 5 & 8 yr olds that Mommy and Daddy have decided to go our separate ways. I shot her a look but let her finish talking. She continued to explain that sometimes people just don't get along and everyone will be happier when it's all over. Then we got the questions about where we would live etc etc. When she had finished her version of it I said wait a minute, you can't put this on me!! I take full responsibility for my part of us not handling situations correctly but I am still trying to save this marriage and do not want a divorce!! I then explained that Professionals determined that children over the age of 5 should hear the truth about an EA and I called her on it. She said that the EA wasn't why we were getting divorced and I said yes it is, because a few days before I found out about it we were making love and spooning and telling each other how much we loved to hold each other etc. This was either the reason or the straw that broke the camels back.

So, today was a busy day and I don't feel optimistic about it at all. I pissed her off first thing in the morning, she had a bad day at work, then she comes home and we voted together, I told her that I scheduled an appt with an attorney and then we had the talk with the 2 youngest kids about what was coming.

I did explain to the children that Mommy had a boyfriend and Daddy didn't want that. I also told them that we both love them and always will and that this is not in any way their fault. She is really pissed and that's ok. I don't like to hurt her or make her mad but there has to be accountability here I think. I made sure to let them know that Daddy didn't want us to break up as a family but sometimes there is nothing that can be done about it. I have been pushing for MC but she refuses. Then she will start to look like it's sinking in and then she snaps back out of it again. Now that she's this mad I don't think things are going to civil anymore but that remains to be seen. I will continue to not only be civil but I will help out and be here for my family.

It is very good that you told them the truth. There was no way their mother would've done it, and that's why she's pissed.

You are right where I was a few mOnths ago.
My wife gave that same BS speech to the kids.
I told my kids the truth also.

At this point I just encourage you to plan A. That means dont make any disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts AND try to meet emotional needs. Sometimes its almost impossible.

As for the legal, do NOT discuss attorney with your wife.
Your attorney will be your best friend in the coming weeks. Hopefully not. But be prepared.
Get a recorder ASAP and record all conversations. Don't allow yourself to be set up for being forced out of your home on trumped up charges.

Who is David? Do a background check. Does he have a criminal history?

You're welcome.

@HDW You mean be nice to her and act happy and make deposits to the love bank? That would be extremely difficult in her state of mind... Do deposits even work right now or is the bank account closed for good?

I found out what I could about him which is not much. My wife says he is in his 30s, no kids, never married so there has to be a problem with him. Whatever, I don't care but he won't be around my kids. She has always been honest with me in the last 12 years+ so it is difficult to not believe her now. She fits the classic WW but again, it is hard to not believe her when she doesn't have a track record. I don't know what to think there.

I am just seeing the Attorney to get information so I know what to expect. During my first divorce I was very young and extremely distraught and she just did everything and asked me simple questions. Because I was jaded I made my EW wait the full 2 years for the divorce. I don't want that now. I told my wife that I made the appt but just to see what was involved so we knew what to expect. She was silent for a couple of minutes and I asked why no comment? She said she wasn't ready to file for divorce yet but I am thinking maybe she is after the talk with the kids.

I don't know what to think right now. My heart is crushed 4x over for her and our 3 kids, my head is spinning and this whole thing has made me physically sick. I am trying to act happy and be emotionally supportive but that talk with the kids really threw gas on the fire.

She was not only mad but cold and that is never good. Still not confident that I handled it right but your feedback at least threw a little water on the fire. What should I expect next?

How did you find this information out about OM? Was it from your WW?

Can you find out who he is?

My understanding is that Plan A is all about promoting yourself as the best option, your marriage as the best option, so that when the A ends this is what your WS will remember. You won't actually me able to make deposits in WS LB at this stage.

I understand it is hard to see your WW as someone who is dishonest particularly if she had been honest in the past. Unfortuantely to justify and sustain an A WS distort the truth and resort to lies and manipulation. If you read other threads you will see they all follow a wayward script.

We can all relate to your pain, we have walked in your shoes. It's not easy but you have to stay stong and draw on inner strength for your children ... they need a stable sane parent in their lies right now.

Keep up with Plan A, when you find it hard take a deep breath walk away if necessary and keep posting here for advice and support. You are doing well.

@Brain - Yes, my wife, as I stated. The only other things I have found out are his address from a search online.

@happy - Thank you. I am more of an action type person but it does me a little good to get things off my chest and even a little more reading the responses.