Txfool, try to take the John Wayne stuff as it was intended. If you gloss over this without knowing the complete truth, you very well could find yourself in a false recovery. Too many texts between her and him for her not to be interested in something he provides. That is VERY POWERFUL. You haven't been providing it. She was missing it in her life. She found something in this other guy. Just don't believe her words right now. Waywards will tell you ANYTHING that they need to tell you to get you to believe them so you will back off. Just get your proof first, then you can tell us I told you so.

Take care. I sincerely hope it goes well for you. When it doesn't however, we'll still be here to help. Come back when you're willing to listen.

Yes I am divorced. Because my wife "needed some time to herself" and started texted and Facebook messaging a man that was "a good friend"
What she is doing is classic behavior. We've been in your shoes before.
I'm trying to warn you so you can save your marriage.

Have you even considered that possibly her mom is covering for her daughter....afterall mom wants her daughter to be happy afterall. Your wife has already spun her story to her mom.

I knew he was married more then once. Not about to google him at this time. Memories fade with time.

But I will give him credit for not taking a role of an adulterer. He understood what he did on the screen was seen by many as a way to live one's life.

Well I'm back lol the wife came back after her and her moms trip and said she's not ready to come back. That there's no one else never has been. She just can't get over the neglect and hurt of two years. That she's still wanting to work this out and in love with me but just needs to be away for awhile to reset us. And in a sense I agree. Even though I miss her etc etc I'm also enjoying my time away and discovering things with the kids I never thought was possible. We have plans for all of us to have a family dinner Wednesday and her and I to do something Friday then all of us again of Sunday. Even though we both agreed which most of y'all are against, to date others I'm actually kinda excited to go on one Saturday those it's very casual and nothing else. I think dating someone will show us both what we really have. So as hard as it is to say if you love someone let them go it for sure applies to our situation. Mainly because if either one of us start pushing and pressuring each other it will implode.

I have to tell you that I am really shocked to read what you just wrote. You can be "contemporary" and all of that, but marriage is marriage. It is a sacred union that should be guarded and protected at all times. What you seem to have with her is not being protected. You should not even talk to other women, much less go on a date with one. Your whole approach to open marriage or whatever, is just a weak approach and shell of what marriage is supposed to be and to what you both should be to eachother.

You have created your own version which none of us here will be able to change your mind. But, please know that marriage, in the truest, purest, meaning and intent is NOT what you're in or going after. Where is the sanctity? Where is the oneness? I truly believe this "independent, modern" approach will end up destroying what you have left.

I can't quite decide if you are being gaslit by a WW, or you yourself are wayward. Maybe a combination of both... you both have poor boundaries and your WW has now convinced you that adultery is the way you will recover your marriage. Lets see how that works for you.

I really feel for your kids though. What lessons are your children learning from you and WW's approach to marriage, family, commitment?

Lastly, why did you post about your decision to have an open marriage on a pro-healthy marriage / anti-adultery site?

Yes we both believe in all that. Marriage being a union, sacred etc but right now at this point our marriage is just a certificate. We are both lost in the darkness sort of speak but are still trying to find our way. Sorry I didn't know this site was so pro-marriage anti adultery. I'll go somewhere else. I just thought I could get a little advice but so far all I have received are negative comments about how I'm not a man and blah blah. I believe you can read every book and get others input on the earth helps but in the end you know your own situation. You've known your spouse for a very long time and in the end you just gotta trust your gut. I'm completely content with the way we are going. I don't look at it as having an affair cause we both agree to it and have set boundaries. I know my wife and she knows me very well and yes it hurts a little not having her home but I completely understand and respect her feelings. Pursuing,pushing, and demanding is not respecting her feelings. This will be the last post since apparently my situation isn't welcomed.

Did you notice that you are on the Marriage Builders website? It is not the affair builders website or how to date while married website. So of course no one will agree with your "justification" of dating while married. You are on the slippery slope.

If you want to save you marriage you are in the right spot. I pray you stick around and get the much needed advice that you need.

When you speak about your situation being unique, there is something that I want to share with you: I myself came to the realization that if I stand in a room full
Of people and tell them what I perceive to be truth, and they all look at me and tell me, "HDW you are seeing this wrong. That is not truth". ; then I have to reconsider my position.

Sometimes we can get into very unhealthy situations, usually from living with someone that is unhealthy and creating our own reality isn't going to help us get well.

Talk to your family. Your friends. Older, successful men. Ask for their opinions.

From a practical standpoint, what kind of a low life scumbag woman would date a married man, aside from my ex wife

Here is the un-unique thing about marriage......

it, on its own, regardless of the people in it.....is one way only.....a legal commitment to be true to 'it'. The marriage itself being the 'it' part.

Your wife could be living with ten men and you could have zero contact with her and you could be asked on dates four times a day from a hot, sweet looking woman and still the marriage is there. 'It', to be of any worth in any context is the thing to be true to.

While in a marriage you decide whether to stick it out and hope it pulls trhough a nightmare situation OR if you must divorce and end it and be done with it.

That is kind of the bottom line.

(Doesn't matter circumstances you're feelings are feeling or what you and your wife have done to each other).

Either be married and true blue to the marriage or divorce her already and move onward.

.
Whoa. Who said anything about the demanding anything?
We believe in respecting our spouses and ourselves. Demanding things from our spouses is considered a Lovebuster.

You may consider reading some more before you post again.

It seems to me you have entered a subshop to order a whiskey Sour. Read the menu, or at least the sign out front.

Then you may not be so compelled to contradict people who are legitimately trying to help you see things in a way that is congruent with happy, healthy marriages and healthy families. It's proven and well documented in the pages written here; both by research and by personal stories as well.

Wives don't leave unless they have somewhere to land. They just don't. And separating to "reset" is a preposterous notion and a terrible lesson to teach children ("when things get tough, the tough get going....out of dodge?" - asinine).

With any luck, your children are smart enough to transcend the piss-poor example you're setting for them about how to be in committed relationship. Unfortunately, most simply follow the boundery-less footsteps and take the easy, unencumbered route their parents took. A major reason why divorce rates have sky-rocketed in this country.


opt

Tx, I have a feeling that this post will most likely go unread, but I hope not. THIS is the point where YOU decide to make THE CHOICE - which is true committment to the sanctity of marriage. You can't control her, but you can control you, become the best you, right your wrongs, do everything you can do to steer this in the right direction. You have to do some changing, cleaning up of your side of the street, righting wrongs first before she will be able to see a difference. Proof is in your actions, not your words, so do the right thing here. Don't let her lowering herself to a standard that will not sustain a marriage, make you follow in kind. Honor YOUR covenant and marriage. No one can take that away from you.

I do hope you come back b/c you seem like you want to save your marriage. Maybe I am wrong. Decide to fight for it, not give in to the lower standards and choices that will destroy it.

Ok I'm replying to littlebit. Probably the best post so far by anyone. I have done all the changing I can do to show her "proof". Im becoming that better me and for the kids. Im strongly committed to marriage and it's values. I'm a pretty straight forward guy when it comes to those values.

Here's the bad:

My wife who I've known for 17 yrs together for 8 married for 6. I know how she thinks her ends and outs. So I know her knowing that I'm out even if its just as friends she will start thinking why is he out with her or what are they doing. It's alittle role reversal. Nothing to do with marriage mainly her childish game of I'm the best he has. We have been down this road a couple times during our relationship not marriage though. Where we would break up mainly me thinking it's greener but when we would see each other with another it made that pile of leaves combust and instead of a flame it was a freaking bonfire. Lol that's what she's needing that bonfire to be lit again. We have always had intense passion and feelings for each other. I'm not making excuses that just the way it's been for us almost like a movie and when that movie ended, we lost sight of the beginning of that movie. So every now and then we would take it out and then watch it again later. Except now that we are married that movie has been playing for 6 yrs and finally was over. Her getting away is us taking that movie out. I don't know but I highly highly doubt she will date but the possibility is there and same for me. Is it wrong? I guess it's a matter of opinion. As for ourselves we know what the outcome will be. That might be delirious but IMO that's what will happen cause of how we interact when we are together during this nightmare. We look at each other like we know the game. It just scares me this time she says she doesn't have those feelings but alot of resentment is still there covering up those feelings. Anywho I'm rambling. I'm going to have fun and be my old self and either way I'm still fighting for us but only when it's us not when I'm alone and thinking what can I do what can I do cause all I can do it worry about me in the end. Right now she has the entire world against her on this cause as her parents say the crime doesn't match the punishment. Give her some time alone and she will come around.

Adultery is NOT a matter of opinion. It is a moral law.

Basically what she is proposing is a "controlled separation". My wife proposed the same thing. It was all an attempt to see her affair partner.

Where will the kids stay?

I have the oldest since he from a previous relationship and I have full custody as for our two she has them. And as far as the alleged affair I accused her of its stopped. She no longer texts that number or any other odd number and hasnt for a week. So I don't think that's an issue anymore cause when we talked Friday I let her know where I now stand in all this and instead of giving 110% every day every hr that I was tired, exhausted and I'm done. Now I give 20-30% and that's only around her any other time I'm having fun and becoming me again and that really shook her up. The look on her face when I said that was filled with intense pain like she wanted to cry so hard but wasn't able to cry hard enough to satisfy that pain. She finally released it and we hugged for a long time that night. So end the end she's not this WW that is on the prowl looking for an affair.

I also meant to ask all the single fathers out there. I make pretty decent money but after mortgage after school care truck payment etc spending and money to put back in savings is pretty scarce. Have any of you applied for any kind of assistance and if so how did it go I know most of it is for single moms but what about us?! Btw I make about 20k more than the cut off for assistance. I'm in the need assistance but don't qualify category

So you're proceeding with divorce?

Thanks for that. I appreciate it.


I hope so. I truly believe that as you learn more of the principles here, some will smack you upside the head. You can always grow. I know that we develop a lot of old habits in marriage that we aren't even aware of. Mindsets are difficult to change, especially when there is strife.


Good. The kids need you more than ever. Their mom isn't the secure, dependable one right now. They feel the problems. They feel the conflict. They know their world is in turmoil, even if they don't know why.


The best you can have is someone who will truly love you properly. That is pretty darn confident on her part considering that in that kind of minset, there is no way she could be being the wife to you that you deserve.



This looks like maybe a renters mindset. The problem is that this mindset carried over into the marriage. I guess it is ok if you were ok with that while dating, but it is destructive once married. There is no place in a marriage for this mindset. The bonds don't form properly. You don't really become one, because that mindset is most definately separate and independent.

I think she will date tx. She is talking to this guy and there is some interest there. If she is getting thrills and excitement from the attention, lust, newness, sexy feeling that she is most likely getting by flirting with this other guy, you are in trouble now. Even the best sex eventually can fade into not cutting it anymore. I hope that is not the case with you two, but wives just don't leave their husbands like that. Especially if they see them trying to right wrongs and make the correct changes.