so ok tomorrow is our wedding anniversary, first 1 since the bombshell. It feels a little wierd to me to celebrate a marriage my h has made a joke of, does this date get easier?? I'm not sure how I feel, I have very mixed feelings....

I would definitely celebrate, knowing that you are celebrating a union that has withstood the worst possible assault and survived.

If you haven't done so yet, think of something fun and special to do over the weekend - dress up and go to a really nice restaurant. Take a day trip to a place you've wanted to visit. Buy luxurious sheets for your bed and then use them after dinner.

In other words, don't let the A overshadow your day. Own your anniversary

And no references, even vaguely, to the affair.

agreed. if your H is onboard with recovery, CLAIM your day! and yes, it gets better every year :O)

I just find it a bit bizarre celeberating something that hasnt been a happy 12 yrs, I've taken 12yrs of our marriage seriously, obviously my h hasnt, the last yr has been hell for me, the yr before i meant nothing to him....so what is there to celeberate??? we are still getting thru the long road of recovery. As I said I have mixed feelings. my interperation of anniversaries is that your celebrating the time you have had together. I'm glad the day is finished, worry bout it next yr....
we did go out for dinner night before, then h says we SHOULD do something on the sunday. way to sell it. we ended up bowling. thanks all for your input

I can empathize with your dissatisfaction with celebrating your anniversary, as I had the same emotions, struggling with what the date was meant to convey externally ("The Johnsons celebrated ten years of wedded bliss....") as opposed to the sting that has been internalized ("....but one of the couple ignored the precepts of marriage for a time.")

So, do what I did. Erase the significance of the first date (in YOUR mind, and with YOUR participation) and establish another date. Pick a date that has importance in your recovery - NC, apology, whatever - and make that the celebration of your NEW relationship.

Everybody we know registers our anniversary as 01 May, the date they saw us exchange vows oh-so-many years ago. I, however, do not. Instead I celebrate with my bride the date of our post-discovery vows renewal, 13 August.

01 May no longer has significance for me. I'll concede the duality occasions some complexity for my bride, who will on that date receive the normal cards and salutations from family and friends, without revealing them to me, or receiving from me any acknowledgement. Oh well, it's tough to be a former wayward....

On 13 August, I participate in the normal "anniversary" rituals - gift, dinner at a fine establishment, etc - and we celebrate the fact that we came back together.

Think about it. (Oh, in spite of its proof that I'm not a fully conformist MBer, this arrangement never was, nor will be, subject to POJA.)

Kimono,

It will get better. We had some very awkward anniversary dinners/celebrations at first. Our conversation for many months revolved around the weather and the dog, and not much else. And I did little to nothing to acknowledge my H on Valentine's Day or even his birthday. It is very different now. I actually look for ways to make him happy on special days, instead of just co-existing with him.


AM

kimono, it is bizarre. and it does get better. our anniversary was less than 2 months from DD. and my H had not acknowledged it the year before (can we say red flag?). that first year was TOUGH. the next year wasn't all that swift either. but our anniversary is very important to me (to us). we just celebrated our most recent, with a lovely night out on the town that we both really enjoyed, and looked forward to many more.

IMvHO, you can claim the day, even though it hurts like hell, as part of your recovery process, and later, an achievement. or you can let that day become something to dread every year as another trigger.

kimono, we do know what you mean. that first year i thought our anniversary was a great, big, fat joke: ON ME. it made me sick to my stomach. all i wanted to do was spit in his face at the dinner table, and rake his face with my claws. see? i DO know what you mean! hang in there. it *doe* get better, and is worth the hard yards.

When I saw Armymama's and then Letty's reply, I had to also come on board and say I felt exactly the same way about our anniversary--and about H's birthdays, too. Our 31st wedding anniversary was three months after D-Day and I wasn't feeling celebratory at all. Just sad and "who cares - another date to note - whatever..." The next year was better. Our third post D-Day anniversary, coming up in Feb (will be our 33rd - ) and I know we're going to feel like actually celebrating it. We will celebrate the birth of a totally new marriage, with MB principles as its foundation.

The blind trust I had before has forever passed away. That trust is dead and should never have been there. Now, it's "trust but verify" which works a lot better for both of us. The kind of trust that had also been lost was believing that my H actually cared about me and about our marriage. This new man my H has become is kind, loving, caring, considerate, passionate, and protects our marriage. It has taken almost these entire past two years to begin to believe THAT. And even so, going forward, we are going to do all we both can to make sure our marriage grows in this new and wonderful direction.

You may come to the conclusion in a couple of years that you are happy you stayed and then you might really feel like celebrating. Until then, go out and enjoy a pleasant evening and toast recovery.

thank you to all for the replies, it has made me feel a whole better. was starting to think maybe I was being a b*#$! about it all. It has been nice to know I havnt been the only one with this feeling. thank you all so much.. cheers to recovery

kimono, how did it go?

Our first anniversay since DD is also in February. Since first ONS goes back almost 20 yrs I feel marriage vows were never respected/honored. I know that I am not ready to celebrate..to try would just put me in a really negative place. I think best to just go through the day like any other day at this point..hopefully get to where LongWayFromHome is someday. ....on another note

[quote=LongWayFromHome]
The blind trust I had before has forever passed away. That trust is dead and should never have been there. Now, it's "trust but verify" which works a lot better for both of us.

LongWayFromHome..please elaborate on how this works day to day.

Bewildered, I replied on your thread.

Sorry..but how do I access my thread?? Not very forum savvy.

Click on "My Stuff" at the top of the forum page and just keep scrolling until you see your post.

I made it through, we went out with the inlaws night before, kids ended up going for sleepover so we had the day...........we went off for lunch down the lake & bowling, h thought we should do something. I survived but it didnt have the same meaning to me

today is feeling like it's all too much, too many memories are creeping into my mind which are causing questions.. putting things in the past is so HARD!!! recently I think I have discovered it was h idea to start A, that seems to hurt more although I do realise ow was just as interested. the pain of it all just hurts so much, that someone could be so selfish especially to risk loosing his own daughters, to waste the precious time... I'm feeling like such a fool for not noticing when now I see red flags everywhere, I remember many conversations & fights H started grrr just need to get thru today, need to keep busy..............

As a BS myself and working on recovery since only July 2012 I have been told on several posts here and by Dr. Harley himself to stop speaking about the affair in the present with your spouse. I know this is hard, beleive me! You want answers and reasons when sometimes their are really none to find.

In my opinion neither AP "starts" the affair. The opportunity is there, boundries are reduced enough for it to happen and the two people mutually engage in this behavior. If you don't take steps to avoid it you share the same blame IMO.

My WW was the pursuer at times as was the OM, it just depended on the day and what needs were or were not being met. But isn't being receptive to the affair or allowing your needs to be met elsewhere the same as "initiating" the whole thing?

Anyway, focus on the present and making the best relationship you can with your H. As long as he is in it for you now, the intriget details will only cause further pain and slow recovery.

Just remember... if you ever asked yourself if you truly loved your spouse and would give your life for him/her at some point on this earth, YOU are doing it now, working to have your marriage survive and dig through this pain.

{{{{Kimono}}}}
Your pain sounds so familiar I had to tell you it does truly seem to make it worse.

We as BS's sometimes grasp onto the false idea and hope that the only reason WS could do this terrible thing to us was because our WS's must have been seduced by this evil snake charming POS.

When we learn that the one person who promised to love and cherish you and ONLY you for the rest of your life went on the hunt for another...My God a new wave of pain is released on to us that was held at bay because of our false hope and not being told all the details or as in my case seeking them.

Fight through these thoughts in your mind. I found that it only seems to be worse. It still boils down to WS's poor boundaries w/ the OS, no EP's and unmet needs.
That is why ALL questions have to be asked early on and never leave anything left unasked. A's always hurt, the truth heals.
If your WS gave you this information thank them for their honesty, if you found this out maybe you need to ask for a night to get any and all information you might not yet have and then never bring it up to WS again.
I am the poster boy for this mistake and have limped alone for 14 months.
Almost a year and a half and 90 lbs. later I now understand why my FWW pursued the OM.
The same reason anyone has an A, poor boundaries, no EP's, unmet EN's.But the the genius of Dr. Harley is no matter the semantics of the A the MB plan can restore it, better than ever.
You can do this!

kimono, please stay on one thread so posters can follow you.

I'm not sure what you mean maritalbliss