Melody,
I did not brush off his concerns about the dogs in the bed. This is a period of 4 years of no sex or rarely. HE used the excuse of the dogs and HE likes the dogs sleeping in the bed. What did I do? I took the dogs outside the bedroom, closed the door, and initiated sex. I said to him that it's that easy to get rid of the dogs. It was an EXCUSE, thats what it was.

Secondly, I ask why no sex and he says he doesn't have the urge. I ask him, "Is it me?", he says no. I ask him "Are you still attracted to me?" He say's yes. He says he just doesn't have the urge.

The weight came up recently. What did I do? I lost 20lbs and am at 147. I'm still not done and joined the gym. I have bought sexy clothes, lingerie, etc.

Meeting his needs? Well, I read the list and sex obviously was lacking but not due to me not being willing. I would show him affection by rubbing his back, giving him a massage, being playful and tickling, hugging him, telling him I love him, telling him how smart he is, encouraging him and telling him how special he is, supporting anything he wants to do, taking him to the caribbean every year for a MONTH, pay all his bills, handle all the household duties/responsibilites, do all the cooking, cleaning, family responsibilites, care for the dogs, take care of the lawn, repair anything that is needed at home or our investment property, insure him with medical and dental, plan for our evenings out to a show, entertain his family, and much more. I put his needs before mine. Seriously, I need to change more? What more can I do! I tell him how much I love him all the time and give him gifts. He says I want and I get it for him.

Conversation, well I can talk for hours whereas trying to talk t him is like talking to a wall. He doesn't talk and that needs to change. I try and all he does is make fun of me for saying "So..." or "Umm.." just trying to get the conversation going. Oh, and lets add the freaking Iphone. He CONSTANTLY is playing games on it. We could be at a family event and he is on it playing games, ignoring everyone. We start talking and he walks away or starts playing his games. Wait, there's more...lets talk about the computer and his past shopping compulsion. Yea, over 20K that I paid for by taking a second mortgage. There's more...its more important to watch all of his TV series first before even considering sex. Try to have a conversation when he's got a gazillion shows he MUST watch. Way too much TV. The TV has to be on in the bedroom as well, can't sleep without it and he just wants to watch TV.



My demands are that he is open and transparent. That he communicates more, share with me what is wrong, lets work together.

I disagree, he is superficial to some extent. Yes, there needs to be physical attraction but when he tells me that he still loves me, was satisfied not having sex, but I gained weight tells a lot. Everyone is a "cow", his mother is called "buffalo butt", disrespectful and shallow. I'm attractive, funny, successful, smart, and a very generous caring woman. He even complained that I had a little double chin. I showed him our wedding photos where I had it then, I've always had a little fat under my chin for goodness sakes. He's balding and he's gained weight but I don't hold it against him, perhaps I should. Perhaps he should lose weight, take viagra to keep it up, and get hair implants so I stay atrracted to HIM.

Other than continuing to lose weight, scheduling a tummy tuck, breast implants, lipo, and fixing my chin and otherwise feeling like I'm a freaking loser because I can't stand up to "HIS" needs is driving me insane. I'm doing as much as I can and trying to learn to do even more to keep my husband and feel like I have to make up for what HE did!!!!!! Makes me feel like I justified his betrayal by not being the "perfect image" or ME not doing enough. At this point, I am 10 lbs heavier than when we got married 8 years ago and we've been together 11.

Maybe its not worth saving because I've given everything I have and I'm not sure there is much more inside of me left. I'm drained and tired!

This is Mom behavior. It does not encourage him to be a man who does some man work around the house and does some taking care of his wife. This might be why he is not interested in marital sex. I'm sorry you have to be here, but it's the best place for you to be. Listen to Melody as she is one of the best around.

Iagree, I do feel like his mother at times. What do you suggest Uphill other than him taking care of the lawn and the trash? What things would be considered taking care of is wife? Thanks!

Helen, that's quite a long post, but I wonder, do you even KNOW what his top emotional needs are? You have been doing alot of things that have obviously missed the mark because he has fallen out of love.

Has you both taken the emotional needs questionnaire? And how much undivided attention do you give each other each week? It takes 15 hours to sustain romantic love and 20+ hours to CREATE. Do you and yOur husband have dates? Quality time alone? How would you rate yourself in that area?

And I would just say again that it is disrespectful to dismiss your husband as "superficial." That is what we consider a Lovebuster. Disrespectful judgements can erode the love in marriage.

No, we haven't done the emotional needs questionaire yet but we will.

His typical day is to get up at 8:00 a.m., take a shower and leave at 9:00 for work. He comes home between 6-6:30 and heads straight to the computer. I cook dinner and he comes out to eat. During dinner, he wants to watch TV and not talk. He doesn't want to talk about his day at all and he doesn't ask me anything. I try to start a conversation but he doesn't engage.
Dinner is over, I clear the dishes and clean up while he either goes back onto his computer or flops on the couch to watch TV. Then its to watching all his recorded shows till 11pm, back on the computer one more time, then to bed. In bed, TV back on again and he falls asleep. If he doesn't fall asleep, same thing he doesn't want to talk but just pet the dogs. This is 6 days a week and sometimes he works 7 days a week. I forgot to add the numerous phone calls from the store in between everything too.

Now that he isn't working and I'm working at home he gets up whenever. Hits the bathroom, grabs a coke, and off to his computer. After the computer he plays Xbox or watches TV. Some days he may run an errand or two, clean his room looking for stuff to sell on Ebay, or search for home theater furniture and designs. I come down to talk to him several times a day, not interested in talking. He doesn't come up to my office, very rarely. After working, I start dinner and its the same routine.

Lately, I've planned date nights, not him. Planned a couples massage, a comedy show, a regular show, attended a birthday party together and booked a trip to Disney for Thanksgiving week. I invite him to go shopping, to fall festivities, go for a walk, join me at the gym, go racing, have lunch with friends, and so on but he doesn't want to most of the time. He hasn't planned anything.

As you can see, I try to give him undivided attention but he does not seem interested. What am I supposed to do? As far as time alone, we dont have children so we have that but is it quality? I wouldnt say so.

What I'm trying to say is that he is to a degree superficial and I think he needs to understand that no matter what you look like, it doesn't mean that you're not a good person. Don't judge a book by its cover basically.

I'm sensing that you are placing the blame on me for his decision to betray our vows and quite frankly, I don't appreciate it. He should of discussed with me his concerns before going outside the marriage and should have been honest with me each time I brought up my concerns. I'm the one reading the books and trying to make our marriage better, I'm the one here reading the advice. What is his role and responsibility in all this? Is what he is doing okay? I'm really beginning to think there's nothing there to save.

The idea is to come up with a schedule TOGETHER of activities that you BOTH like where you meet the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. One sided undivided attention is not what we mean with this, it has to be 2 sided. My H and I sit down together every Sunday afternoon and actually schedule out our time for the next week. Time that is scheduled is harder to dismiss. If it is not scheduled it is easier to put off.

Quality UA time is spent out of the home on dates, in 4 hour blocks. Would he do this with you? Because this step is essential to recovery.


More disrespect of your husband. Telling him that his emotional needs are "superficial" and meaningless is profoundly disrespectful and will only serve to push him away. I hope that you can see that tactics like this are a big part of what has ruined your marriage. If you don't learn it in this marriage, you will have it in the next marriage because one of the top emotional needs of men [and some women!] is physical attractiveness. If you are not willing to meet the needs of your spouse in any marriage, then you won't be married for long.


Your senses are incorrect.


You don't know what you are doing, though, and that is my point. All of these efforts you mention have availed you nothing. Do you see that? Your best efforts HAVE NOT WORKED. Do you want a plan that will work? If so, you are going to have to LISTEN and learn. You are going to have to put aside your own ideas and try something else. We can help you if you will listen. If not, then there is no reason for us to post to you.

I agree it needs to be 2 sided but its not. I suggest ideas to him and he agrees or disagrees on the activity. If I don't suggest anything, then nothing happens. So yes, it needs to be 2 sided, conmpletely agree.

Additionally, I have NOT told him he is superficial and this is absolutely not a big part of what ruined our marriage. Its an assumption. The big part that ruined our marriage is HIS withdrawal, not only from me but even from his own family. Its his inability to communicate, wanting to avoid conflict or face issues, and not being honest with me when I point out blank ask. Honesty and communication is KEY to a marriage! I do agree with physical attraction BUT not everyone is going to look like Barbie or an airbrushed model their entire life, its a fact! We do our best to stay fit and attractive, totally agree. What if he decides that my breasts are too small so I'm not attracted to you anymore? There's certain things each has to accept about each other. What if he gets looses the ability to have sex, do I decide well...since you aren't meeting my needs its okay for me to cheat on you? There's a certain amount of acceptance of who you are that needs to be enveloped into the physical attraction along with minor imperfections.

You are correct, my extensive efforts in our marriage has availed me of nothing. However, there must be effort on his part. I am trying, trying to learn and improve but he must as well. It takes two for a marriage to work. His ONLY complaint was that I gained some weight in the past 8 years, only thing he said when asked 3 things he'd like to see changed. So apparently I am meeting most of his needs, not all, but most. We'll see after the questionaire is completed. BTW, when I presented the questionaire he asked "when is it due?". I suggested within the next few days, he suggested the middle of next week. Mind you, he's not working, he sounds pretty interested huh?

Trust me, I'm listening but I still feel as though you are placing all the blame on me and that I drove him to cheat. I also think you're making some assumptions as well.

Just give me a shout when you are ready to get to work. This back and forth is a waste of my time and yours.

Helen,

There are changes you can implement on your side of the fence. These changes will make you feel better and can perhaps draw your husband back.

It doesn't seem fair that you might have to lead the way and I know how much resentment you feel towards him but implementing MB will make you better no matter the outcome of your marriage.

It may be that you decide to end the marriage. That is always on option but why not try a new approach first? It will require you some work on your part and a new way of thinking about and approaching your marriage and your husband.

Do it for you so that no matter what happens here you'll know you did your best.

Melody Lane is one of the best people on here in terms of guiding others. She wants to help. Let her.

ps. his porn problem is a big problem. it creates a contrast affect as he compares you with the porn ladies. you can't win that battle. is he willing to give up the porn? that should be a condition of recovering the marriage.

I understand Zibbles and I'm not opposed to changing and trying to give it my best. You put it well regarding the contrast effect and perhaps my use of the word superficial was a poor choice but you seemed to understand.

I really don't want to end the marriage but Melody has made me feel as though its all my fault, that its ME that has to change. Sorta feel like I'm being attacked vs helped and that I haven't done enough already.

We are doing the questionaire and I'm still reading:)

As far as the porn, he doesn't see a problem with it. He grew up with it and "likes to look at it occasionally". However, I found over 50 sites he vistid and some sites are to hookup/meetup. Most of these sites were for teens and from crocoporn.com, youngleafs.com, bravoteens.com and justhookup.com. I don't think he has met anyone in person but I could be wrong. I can't compete with teens!

Will he stop the porn? I really don't know. I did tell him how it made me feel but he still doesn't see anything wrong with it. This is where his statements to me conflict. He was ok not having sex, had no desire, was fine yet he was looking at porn. So he had desire, yes? He turned to the porn to fulfill that need, yes? Am I wrong? I would of hoped he came to me to talk but he didn't.

From what you've described there's a pretty big chasm between the two of you. You're not connecting and your resentment and exhaustion over trying to make things better is depleting you.

Soon you might not have any energy or desire to work on it

The thing is, your resentment towards him IS a love buster. He must feel it and that's what I think Melody Lane is pointing out to you. Whether you realize it or not, you are love busting him.

You can change this. It's going to be hard because you're almost out of gas here. Study more here. Read up on plan a and learn more about your husbands needs and try to meet them. Get those 20 hours in of undivided attention.

If he won't join you, it's not going to work. You simply can't do it all for both of you but perhaps with a new approach, you can at least get him to open up and try.

I know it's hard and I too would be hurt and angry if I felt rejected by my partner and judged for having gained a little weight. Your feelings are justified but is there another way to respond here?

Melody Lane is the BEST of the BEST here. She's not fooling around and if you get offended by her questions, there's something worth looking at and working on.

Thanks for the kind words, zibbles! I don't really have time to post much anyway so it works out for the best.

I agree Zibbles. I'm not trying to impose my opinion on my spouse or negate his opinion. In fact, I've never stated to him or implied to him my thoguhts on the topic. Physical attractiveness is important for him and I suspect the importance of each need may change throughout the life of a marriage. For instance, sexual fullfillment may be important at age 30 but not when we are 85. Maybe it still will be at 85, who knows:)

I understand his need for physical attractivenss, I truly do however I do beleive we can respectfully disagree on certain issues. Perhaps he can understand my position and I his, perhaps one of us changes to agree and accept the other's.

Both of us need to be thoughtful and sensitive to each other's feelings. Each of us completed the emotional needs questionaire last night and we'll discuss it sometime today. It's a start:)

I understand Melody is trying to help, and I do appreciate it. However I felt like I had to defend myself for my feelings and I think some of my previous posts comments weren't taken into consideration. However, in reading more I do think our emotional needs will change over time. Now, as it appears, physical attractivness is high on his priorities but I suspect it might be replaced with #2 or #3 as we get older.

Just to add, I don't think he is the only that has to change but we both need to change. I'm absolutely willing to do whatever it takes to improve myself and our marriage.

Have you taken the emotional needs Q? Do you know that PA is a high need for him?

If it is what is your plan to meet it?

Yes, we'll discuss it tonight.

Ok.

Will you both be able to remain calm while discussing it?

I hope so! I don't think yelling, screaming, getting nasty etc accomplishes much. I'm prepared to hear things I migh not like, that's okay.

As for him? Who knows. When I try to talk to him about the affair he gets an attitude and his body language speaks volumes. Will he be the same way? Not sure, I hope not.

Hope?

Can you control yourself? You need to be able to control yourself.

It won't do any good if you can't control yourself. You can only control yourself and not him.

So what's your plan?
Also what's your plan to clean up your side of the street?

If PA is a top need of his what is your plan to meet it?

Let me rephrase, I will be calm and control myself. You asked if BOTH can be, that's why I said "hope":) I can't speak for him:)Surprisingly, I've been extremely calm during this whole ordeal, even when talking to the OW.

First, I need to find out all his needs before making a plan. With that said, I'll do what needs to be done.

I've already lost 20lbs, starting working out, eating healthier, reading Surviving an Affair, etc. Once I know his needs, the plan will develop further. Still need to lose another 10-12 lbs, which is going slow, but I just ordered a book suggested by Melody called "Good Calories Bad Calories" more so to learn to eat better, better food choices for the long term.

I have an appt next week with a plastic surgeon to discuss getting rid of my chin, breast implants, and a tummy tuck. The chin has always been there, always will be but if he doesn't like it, I'll fix it. He likes big boobs, well he'll get them. The tummy tuck is for me...no matter how thin I am its still there so I want that gone.

To help control the weight, I've even stopped taking my meds until I see the Dr. again to get something different or an herbal alternative.

I've stopped traveling for my job so we can spend more time together. I'm willing to even take a significant pay cut if it doesn't affect his "Financial Support" need too much since I'm the breadwinner and sole source of family support for the most part. BTW, he was ok with my traveling in the past despite me expressing my concerns that it might adversely affect our marriage. He encouraged it and supported it but I did discuss it with him first.

As I learn more of what he wants, I'll do it.

Are you 100% sure he is NC with OW?

Did you finally expose the affair?

What EPs has he implemented?