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What can kiss do that improves himself and is in complete isolation from women? HE CAN STUDY AND FOLLOW THIS PROGRAM. I must confess a lot of your posts (on this thread and others) have the ring of "There's nothing you can do, so work on yourself." That is extremely frustrating for those of us who know how this program works to recover marriages, when we know that there IS something that can be done. There's a lot that can be done here, but kiss has had such low initiative in the past that now he needs to have superhuman initiative to overcome that. He will need to bury himself in learning and applying Marriage Builders, and he will need to be very patient, possibly for a very long time. The last thing he needs is "You can't do Marriage Builders, so go to the gym and watch movies!" kiss did not lose his marriage for failure to be physically fit or because he needed to watch more kung fu.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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HDW,
You're a great enabler!
Kiss never has to answer a single question or become responsible for himeself with you around.
You've encouraged him to sit around and watch movies and work out in the gym..... I NEVER had time for any of that!!!! I was too interested in saving my marriage.
I read every one of Dr. H's books and read them again while taking note, I also listened to all of them on CD again and again.....and spent every free minute developing my EP's/boundaries and learning how to meet my wife's EN's.
What can he do to improve himself???? Seriously! He can do what I just mentioned. Kiss has still never finished the first book yet!
Sheesh! Fantastic post telling just what to do.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Broken_smile,
It's funny you say that. I called my kids last night and RQ got on the phone. I said about everyone questioning if I should go to the gym or not. She said that she has never liked it. She had never told me that before. So I guess if RQ wants to ever give me another chance I will not be going to the gym anymore.
It is something I love but I stopped for a long time as when we meet I was in great shape as I am 6'5" at that time I was 235 pds and 8% body fat. I stopped working out because I knew it would effect our marriage the amount of time it took.
I did start back up when I started talking to my affair partner last november. RQ told me now me going to the gym has been a huge trigger for her again its something that she never told me. I think it is a big problem in our recovery was that I was scared to tell her the truth as I did not want to hurt her and I knew it would make me look bad. She wouldn't tell me her thoughts because she wouldn't want to bring up the affair or she didn't want to have me thinking back about it. I think that both were huge issues that held us back. I understand how hurtful I have been to RQ by not telling her every detail when we were in the early stages of recovery.
After reading on the first pages on RQ thread a couple days ago. I thought a lot about a post by HerPapaBear about me giving her a timeline of the affair. This is something I never did. So Monday night I wrote it out. I wanted to make sure she has been told everything. So I gave her a list of somethings she knew and a couple of things she didn't. I know that she is hurtng from it. But it's something I had to do. As I talked a family member a couple days prior about it. She said that she is getting new things that happened in her husbands affair that took place 8 years ago. She said how painful it is. I realized that I don't want to keep twisting the knfe in the woundof my wife years from now so I had to tell her. I am so scared to hurt her and lose her. But for us to heal either together or seperate she deserves to know. I wish I did this way back in the beginning.
Anyone dealing with a new affair out their please be honest and write down and reveiw a timeline of your affair. Please trust me. In order to heal you have to get the wound clean in order to properly heal the wound. I did not do this and it could cost me[s][/s]
the love of my life.
KISS Kiss- I am glad that it matters to u "what would RQ think?"...BUT u were suppose to ask yourself that question. U were not suppose to ask her. U just violated the restraining order as well as her Plan B. I feel u have made a lot of progress recently but I am afraid u have fallen back a few steps on this latest action of yours. I hope u get back on track with this recovery and stop acting selfishly. I will pray for u that u do not wind up with cops at your door AND more importantly I will pray that u did not destroy any last chance u may have had at recovering your marriage!
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you"
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Broken_smile,
It's funny you say that. I called my kids last night and RQ got on the phone. I said about everyone questioning if I should go to the gym or not. She said that she has never liked it. She had never told me that before. So I guess if RQ wants to ever give me another chance I will not be going to the gym anymore. Kiss- I am glad that it matters to u "what would RQ think?"...BUT u were suppose to ask yourself that question. U were not suppose to ask her. U just violated the restraining order as well as her Plan B. I feel u have made a lot of progress recently but I am afraid u have fallen back a few steps on this latest action of yours. I hope u get back on track with this recovery and stop acting selfishly. I will pray for u that u do not wind up with cops at your door AND more importantly I will pray that u did not destroy any last chance u may have had at recovering your marriage! To be fair, it sounds like RQ herself broke plan B. I agree with the rest.
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JenniferVoyager,
What has changed please give details. My Email had a lot more info and they cut it down. I asked to go on the air and I didn't get my request.
KISS Did you give them your phone number so they could call you?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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broken_smile,
She is the one who reached out to me. She sent me a text yesterday. Then I was talking on the phone with my 6 year old son and then she took the phone and started talking to me.
KISS
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BrainHurts,
Yes I did give my phone number. It's funny on yesterdays broadcast they talked about how they cut down on the lengh of the email question they get.
KISS
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So I guess if RQ wants to ever give me another chance I will not be going to the gym anymore. So we tell you the gym is not a good idea -- you are vulnerable to having another affair and going is not using EPs to prevent another affair. You acknowledge that RQ doesn't like it and that it triggers her. But you are going to continue to go to the gym. Translation: You are STILL not taking EPs seriously and STILL not willing to go the extra mile for RQ and your M -- only if it benefits YOU in some way. It is this type of lackadaisical attitude that has gotten you into so much trouble in your M and yet you continue. I guess I should say thank you for letting me know, as I have invested too much time on this thread already.
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Yesterdays MB broadcast was about understanding the love bank. Withdraws and deposits how to build up your account.
What does it take to maintain love through out a marriage? You need to continue romantic love.
How do I get my spouse to work on our marriage? Make your love for him contingent on his love for you. He gave the example of I would make love to you if you sit down and talk to me for an hour? Don't just meet his emotional needs when he doesn't meet yours. Don't just meet his EN's unconditionally.
KISS
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So I guess if RQ wants to ever give me another chance I will not be going to the gym anymore. So we tell you the gym is not a good idea -- you are vulnerable to having another affair and going is not using EPs to prevent another affair. You acknowledge that RQ doesn't like it and that it triggers her. But you are going to continue to go to the gym. Translation: You are STILL not taking EPs seriously and STILL not willing to go the extra mile for RQ and your M -- only if it benefits YOU in some way. It is this type of lackadaisical attitude that has gotten you into so much trouble in your M and yet you continue. I guess I should say thank you for letting me know, as I have invested too much time on this thread already. You may have missed this because you were posting. Did you see this?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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SusieQ,
I understand what you are saying. Even with RQ having a order of prtection against me and having no interest in me I shouldn't go to the gym right now? I do not talk to anyone. It is something I love to do. It does really help me right now as far as stress and killing some time. I have been spending 5 to 6 hours a day because I realy haven't had a place to go to and I have no money. I sit in my car at gas stations on the MB web site. I do put in a lot of time into learning and growing my self through marriage builders. Also I am reading Surviving an affair. I just see going to the gym right now as a mental break from the hell that has become my life right now. Witch I take full responsability for making my life the mess it is. I dont know of any gyms that are just for men. They don't make a curves for men that I know of.
Also I have a question RQ went to zumba in the past every week. Thier are men in that class. Does that mean that she shouldn't go anymore? It is something made me nervous in the past because I do know how their are people at the gym that are only their to socialize and they think its a great chance to hit on woman. What do you think?
KISS
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SusieQ,
I am working on my EP's. I avoid conversations with woman. I have been exspecially avoiding personal conversations with woman. I am working on protecting my top emotional needs.
KISS
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SusieQ,
Also I have a question RQ went to zumba in the past every week. Thier are men in that class. Does that mean that she shouldn't go anymore? It is something made me nervous in the past because I do know how their are people at the gym that are only their to socialize and they think its a great chance to hit on woman. What do you think?
KISS I think that was covered in the radio program also. And YES, if you do anything KNOWING RQ does not want you to do it is not a good thing if you are wanting to save this.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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SusieQ,
I understand what you are saying. Even with RQ having a order of prtection against me and having no interest in me I shouldn't go to the gym right now? I do not talk to anyone. It is something I love to do. It does really help me right now as far as stress and killing some time. I have been spending 5 to 6 hours a day because I realy haven't had a place to go to and I have no money. I sit in my car at gas stations on the MB web site. I do put in a lot of time into learning and growing my self through marriage builders. Also I am reading Surviving an affair. I just see going to the gym right now as a mental break from the hell that has become my life right now. Witch I take full responsability for making my life the mess it is. I dont know of any gyms that are just for men. They don't make a curves for men that I know of.
Also I have a question RQ went to zumba in the past every week. Thier are men in that class. Does that mean that she shouldn't go anymore? It is something made me nervous in the past because I do know how their are people at the gym that are only their to socialize and they think its a great chance to hit on woman. What do you think?
KISS What physical exercise can you do that doesn't have to be around other women? For the record I talked to Dr. H about going to the gym (it was mine and my Hs RC) while WH was deployed. Dr. H told me not to go. It's a breeding ground for affairs because people are releasing those Endorphins while working out. Word to the wise and find another outlet.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Brainhurts,
Is their anyway that you can post the radio clip from todays radio broadcast on my thread. My name I used was Jay and I mentioned in my email about my affair ended in march and we have been working on it ever since. I also spoke about the order of protection that RQ served me with.
THANKS,
KISS Will do, as soon as they post it in the archives I will post it. Here's your call kiss. Radio Clip of kiss's call
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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BrainHurts,
Thanks you are the best. Thanks for the radio clip. Also as far as exercise goes I really love lifting weights. Their isn't much else. I am not a runner. To me its very boring even though I have worked into my routen at the gym doing the eliptical. I love lifting weights and getting big. Thier isn't anything I could substitute for that. My plan is when we or my plan was when we move to Florida to put a gym in the house. It would make it so much easier to not miss workouts and the time I would save going back and forth to the gym. Plus I could be more focused with no one around.
KISS
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I have been spending 5 to 6 hours a day because I realy haven't had a place to go to and I have no money. I sit in my car at gas stations on the MB web site. I do put in a lot of time into learning and growing my self through marriage builders. 5-6 hrs at the gym? You can't be lifting for 5-6 hrs a day so what else are you doing at the gym? And gas stations? Are there no libraries or churches where you live? Is this really the best you can do to learn and grow yourself as you say? I still smell a pity party. Where are you staying?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I have been spending 5 to 6 hours a day because I realy haven't had a place to go to and I have no money. I sit in my car at gas stations on the MB web site. I do put in a lot of time into learning and growing my self through marriage builders. 5-6 hrs at the gym? You can't be lifting for 5-6 hrs a day so what else are you doing at the gym? And gas stations? Are there no libraries or churches where you live? Is this really the best you can do to learn and grow yourself as you say? I still smell a pity party. Where are you staying? You beat me, BR!  Kiss, what IS your daily schedule? Have you heard of Craigslist? You can find plenty of weights there that people are selling dirt-cheap. (I've already checked it out for you Set up a work-out room in your house. Zero gym-dollars, no women. Good to go
Last edited by maritalbliss; 11/09/12 07:50 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Maybe I had a brain freeze, but I didn't recognize Kiss on there. I was trying to figure out if he was the woman whose husband wanted a 3some or the man whose wife was lazy and sullen?
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Maybe I had a brain freeze, but I didn't recognize Kiss on there. I was trying to figure out if he was the woman whose husband wanted a 3some or the man whose wife was lazy and sullen? He was Jay.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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