Some background to start. We have been married only 14 months. My wife recently told me she felt empty inside and was thinking about separating. She needs space and freedom. At first I went into panic and desperation mode. I quickly realized that was the wrong approach. I decided to make our time together fun and tried to listen to her and find out what was missing. I believe that postponed her leaving, but she just told me she's moving out this week. I love her and can still tell you why I fell in love with her, but I am emotionally drained and feel like with her moving out, there is little chance to have the future we both dreamed about.

Is it worth fixing? I'm not sure any more. Nobody should have to go through this pain. Nobody deserves this if they have been a good and loving spouse. Yes she might be having an EA or PA. I have no proof, but I ask myself if I really even want to know? If she comes back, can i forget the pain and infidelity? I could take the advice and spy to find out, but at the end how will that help me to keep trying to rebuild the relationship. Besides, I feel that if you have to go to Plan B or exposure to get your spouse to break it off, then how can you live knowing what you had to do for her to end the affair.

So you go through all this pain and she comes back. How do I know she won't do this again? I'm fortunate enough to be renting and childless right now, but in the future I could have kids and a house. I can't imagine my children going through this. I'm reading and trying to learn to be a better husband and fulfill her needs (and prevent this from happening again). The only thing that is keeping me from giving up is the faith that if she returns, our relationship will be stronger and closer than it has ever been. Anybody have a success story they can share with your advice?

Finally, this may be a dumb question, and I have told her I do not support her leaving, however would it be wrong to help her move? I really don't want her to have a guy friend helping her and maybe it would be a good chance to deposit some love units.?

We need to know the answer to this if we are going to help you. You are asking us to diagnose and cure your marriage without knowing the facts. You can't very well solve a problem if you don't know exactly what that problem is. And asking us to help you while blind is like asking us to push a car up the hill with the parking brake on. Why would I do that?

So the first you need to do is spy and find out WHO she is having the affair with, if at all.

And the second thing is to change your screen name to something unique. There are HUNDREDS of names with "hope" on this forum so people will never be able to keep you straight.

I've had a keylogger on my computer for a week now to watch her emails and facebook, and have been checking her phone for texts and calls. I haven't found any evidence of an affair. I will keep searching but for the sake of this conversation, let's assume there isn't an affair going on.

Can you account for 100% of her time?

What are the reasons she gives you that she wants to end the marriage?

I am going to assume there *IS* an affair because all the classic signs are here. You might have a reason to want to believe there is not, but I have no such motivation. When a spouse says they want "space" and need a "separation" it is almost always an affair. Why else would she need to move to get "space" when she can go in the bathroom or garage and get "space?" If you offered this to her, I predict she will decline which will prove she doesn't really need "space" but the freedom to carry on her affair without interference.

I believe she is having an affair and this ship is sinking as we speak. The longer you wait to uncover it, the harder it will be to bust it up. Your odds are dwindling every day.

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This is definitely something to consider. If she is having an affair, which I believe she is, do you want to have children with this woman? Going through recovery might not be worth it for you. You may be better off leaving the marriage.

Have either of you been married before? And have either of you ever had an affair?

A couple of ideas: put a VAR in her car and put some good spyware with a GPS on her phone. I would also search her car for a secret phone. It is very common for affairees to buy pre-paid cell phones and hide them in their cars and offices. She might be bringing it home on the weekends.

eblaster is a good one if she has an android and here is a thread with ideas for iphones.

I am not trying to be difficult with you, my friend, but I truly do believe there is an affair. And I don't say that lightly. I say that with 11 years experience under my belt. We are rarely wrong, sadly. The reason you need to stay on top of this is because if your marriage is dying of cancer and we are treating it for a cold, it will die.

Thank you for being honest and just trying to help. I am still trying to find proof that there is an affair. I do want to update my situation however. Last week she moved out into an apartment. 3 days later we went out to dinner and she stayed at my place (in separate beds). The next day i went to work and she texted me that she wanted to come back. I came home and we hugged and kissed (which hasn't happened in a month). She said she was sorry she hurt me and is there a chance we can still move forward. I just said I love you and have always loved you. We are now talking about dreams and our future again. Things are not perfect but they are good and getting better. So, do I just forget the pain? Do I just forget there might have been an affair? (Don't get me wrong, i'll never stop looking for signs of one). My heart goes out to anybody going through this. The pain is so harsh and nobody deserves this.

What is she going to do to protect your marriage? What EPs and boundaries is she going to live by to protect herself from others making deposits?

Please read.
Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Well no, you can't just move forward without knowing what happened. What are you doing to find out if there is an affair?

No you do not sweep this under the rug and just 'forget the pain.' You will not forget. It will be in the back of your mind for years, decades to come. You will build up resentment and it will be a lingering question and thorn in your side while your marriage limps along.

What is the reason for wanting a separation? And what is her reason for her quick change of heart? I think we all know what the reason is, but what does she tell you it is when you ask her?

What this tells me is that her AP is probably married. He liked messing around with her when she was also married, because there is safety for a married AP to be with another married AP as they both have a reason to protect the secret. Once she became 'available' she demanded more and became a risk, so he dumped her, and she decided marriage was not so bad afterall...

Just conjecture on my part. Keep up your snooping. Watch for signs of withdrawal, which she is likely going to go through.

Bottom line is, yes you DO want to know if there was an A. You can check out my or any number of threads written by people who stuck their head in the sand and paid for it for YEARS. At the end of that time? Houses and kids and a much greater mess to clean up then they would have had if they had just found out the truth when it happened.

Get the truth.

You have a keylogger on your own computer? Does she not have one of her own?

This is affair-speak for "I've found another man I am spending time with, and I think I might want to be with him."

I would not help her move out - this is YOUR WIFE, MAN! Stay in your house and let her know that you will be there for every piece of furniture or paper she removes from your home. AND you will be there to talk to any 'guy friend' (aka her new boyfriend).

Read unwritten's post again. Her conjecture is very plausible. And now that your wife is back home...she is attractive to OM again. Waywards LOVE the on again off again drama of their secret lives.

Keep your eyes open.

emo, she is waffling between you and OM. I see a definite affair here, and I am very concerned that she will leave you again when she starts withdrawal from OM.

She needs to come clean with you. Who moved her out of your place?

Thanks everybody for your help. Believe me, I feel like something is going on. We share the same computer and I have still not found any sign of an affair in emails or facebook. Things have gotten a lot better and even Thanksgiving was good. I have been reviewing the cell phone bill and I do see a lot of communication with a male single co-worker. I am going to need more proof than that though. And if I bring it up now, she may get smarter at hiding things. I am going to keep my eyes open for more signs and i'm looking forward to the next cell phone billing cycle to see those results. I've looked into P.I's but they are very expensive. It is also a federal offense to put a GPS in her car in my state. A female friend of her's helped her move so I have nothing there.

Can you or a friend follow her? Can you put a VAR in her car?

Does the OM have facebook? Go now and copy and paste his friend's list for exposure later.

EMO... it does not take this long to get evidence. You are going to have to get more proactive here if you want to have any hope of changing this situation. Santa is not going to bring you the evidence; you have to do the legwork.

If you share a computer, do you have a keylogger on it? Do you have her house under surveillance? Do you have a VAR in her car or home so you can listen to phone conversations?

It usually takes about a week to catch a cheater. It doesn't take this long.

You have been here for 21 days. We can't move this situation forward until you get the evidence.

A cell phone bill is not evidence of an affair all on its own. It just tells you that she is calling a person alot. That is not evidence of an affair. You need direct evidence such as emails, recordings of phone calls, a photo of his car at her place at 3am, etc.

If she is using the same computer, it shouldn't be hard to come up with some incriminating emails. Do you have access to her phone? Can you get some spyware on it?