But Susie is right on POJA It takes both to agree to exercisIng

But in plan B I don't know if POJA matters because your wife left you. There is no joint agreement.

Did she approve of you exercising when you were living together?

I think Curves for women only is a fine idea. But I must respectfully disagree about women and mirrors: women who are maintaining an already fit body very much like mirrors. And they like to see the reflection of men looking at them in those mirrors. Which is what happens in co-ed gyms. It's a dangerous place for people with poor boundaries - or really any married person, as Susie pointed out.

Huh? Isn't what we were talking about obvious? Curves is not a normal gym -- it's a specialty gym that is not even offered in many places.

I am puzzled by the point of this post...

HDW, I didn't say anything about using POJA in Plan B.

First of all, EPs & affair-proofing are not subject to POJA.

Secondly, kiss has posted that he wants to "change his ways" and hopefully win back his wife and give her the M she deserves.

Exercising poor boundaries is not going to help him with this objective. Nevermind that he is vulnerable to an affair given his history of poor boundaries and the fact that he is separated from his wife.

Kiss you need to be serious about exercise. If you are going there to talk to women then that is a problem.
You have to push yourself. Gyms aren't for playing around unless you belong to a sissy gym.
Some days I vomit after pushing myself running.
In the gym I sometimes couldn't walk for a couple days without feeling pain.

You must excel and constantly improve.
Please be honest in everything that you do. Strive for what is good and hate what is evil

AND Curves is marketed for women, which didn't support HDW's point. I'm not sure why that comment was made, either.

This is obfuscation, HDW.

I applaud your dedication to exercise - it works for you. Kiss' level of dedication may vary. However, regardless of his dedication to exercise, what must first be addressed is his dedication to his boundaries. No one has suggested (Kiss especially) that he is going to the gym to talk to women. We've had plenty of people here whose WS didn't go to the gym to talk to women and landed eyeballs-high in an affair.

I don't know of any gyms where people go to play around. I don't know of any 'sissy' gyms. They all have weights, treadmills, etc. They exist for people to go to and work out. They all have an inherent risk of inappropriate interaction between people in an atmosphere of achieving personal physical health, which can be attractive to people who are attracted to physical attractiveness.

Kiss doesn't need to come here and say "But...but...I went to that gym because it wasn't a 'sissy' gym! I never meant to hook up with the Nautilus trainer!"

Well said. This alone is advocating keeping him out of co-ed gyms.

Yes.

It is a common EP to not engage in RC activities with members of the opposite sex, one on one or mixed setting, without your spouse present. I have never heard it suggested that this EP doesn't really need to be followed so long as the person make sure to be "very serious" about the recreational activity.

There is an opportunity to mingle & have ENs (conversation & RC etc) met by members of the opposite sex = high risk for affair. It's really that simple!

What can kiss do that improves himself and is in complete isolation from women?

HDW,

You're a great enabler!

Kiss never has to answer a single question or become responsible for himeself with you around.

You've encouraged him to sit around and watch movies and work out in the gym..... I NEVER had time for any of that!!!! I was too interested in saving my marriage.

I read every one of Dr. H's books and read them again while taking note, I also listened to all of them on CD again and again.....and spent every free minute developing my EP's/boundaries and learning how to meet my wife's EN's.

What can he do to improve himself???? Seriously! He can do what I just mentioned. Kiss has still never finished the first book yet!

Sheesh!

Will do, as soon as they post it in the archives I will post it.

Kiss
Just listen to papa bear.
I don't want to enable any bad behavior
I'm sorry if I encouraged you to do self destructive behavior.
I wish you all the best.

People can change and you can be a great man. It's up to you to make whatever changes are needed to be the husband and father your family needs.

Kiss, I listened to your radio question, and it's a different story (again) about what happened before RQ left. So what's the truth?

Also, youfailed to acknowledge any of your problematic behaviors that we say again and again are harmful to your marriage and you just say "why?".

Go back and read your own thread post all the ways you've been wrong and how/why you should do things differently. I'm losing my interest when your story keeps changing and you alternate between clueless and defensive.

HDW,

It's a planet fitness it has different areas. I go to just lift weights mostly. I am very focused on body building. I do not talk to anyone. I know some guys their but I don't really even talk to them. I quick hi hows it going. I am very focused on my workout. I am very intense. I work out with a couple buddies once in a while and they make fun of me how focused I get. I absolutely do not talk to females not even a hi. Thats not why im their. It's to get bigger physically and kill stress.

KISS

SusieQ,

Their are woman their. I don't know of any gym that is only for men. I am not interested in talking or anything with woman. I don't look at anyone because they end up wanting to talk. I mean men or woman. I have a routen that I am very focused on and stopping and talking throws me off. work out with a buddy once in a while and we barely talk.

KISS

Broken_smile,

It's funny you say that. I called my kids last night and RQ got on the phone. I said about everyone questioning if I should go to the gym or not. She said that she has never liked it. She had never told me that before. So I guess if RQ wants to ever give me another chance I will not be going to the gym anymore.

It is something I love but I stopped for a long time as when we meet I was in great shape as I am 6'5" at that time I was 235 pds and 8% body fat. I stopped working out because I knew it would effect our marriage the amount of time it took.


I did start back up when I started talking to my affair partner last november. RQ told me now me going to the gym has been a huge trigger for her again its something that she never told me. I think it is a big problem in our recovery was that I was scared to tell her the truth as I did not want to hurt her and I knew it would make me look bad. She wouldn't tell me her thoughts because she wouldn't want to bring up the affair or she didn't want to have me thinking back about it. I think that both were huge issues that held us back. I understand how hurtful I have been to RQ by not telling her every detail when we were in the early stages of recovery.

After reading on the first pages on RQ thread a couple days ago. I thought a lot about a post by HerPapaBear about me giving her a timeline of the affair. This is something I never did. So Monday night I wrote it out. I wanted to make sure she has been told everything. So I gave her a list of somethings she knew and a couple of things she didn't. I know that she is hurtng from it. But it's something I had to do. As I talked a family member a couple days prior about it. She said that she is getting new things that happened in her husbands affair that took place 8 years ago. She said how painful it is. I realized that I don't want to keep twisting the knfe in the wound of my wife years from now so I had to tell her. I am so scared to hurt her and lose her. But for us to heal either together or seperate she deserves to know. I wish I did this way back in the beginning.

Anyone dealing with a new affair out their please be honest and write down and reveiw a timeline of your affair. Please trust me. In order to heal you have to get the wound clean in order to properly heal the wound. I did not do this and it could cost me the love of my life.

KISS

HerPapaBear,

I have His needs Her needs on cd and have listened to it twice. I just started reading Surviving An Affir yesterday and read about 25% of it. I'm working on them now.

KISS

BrainHurts,

Thanks a million.

KISS

JenniferVoyager,

What has changed please give details. My Email had a lot more info and they cut it down. I asked to go on the air and I didn't get my request.

KISS