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I beleive he is in NC with the OW. I haven't seen HIM texting, calling, emailing her at all. SHE, the OW, texted him this past Sunday and Monday but he didn't respond. He deleted the texts and never said a word to me. He stated he wanted to avoid confict, sweep it under the rug type of thing. I texted the OW telling her to stop texting my husband. The OW is 22 and he is 45, she fell in love with him and I don't think its the end of her. He claims they didnt have intercourse but I'm not so sure I beleive it. I'll talk to him about blocking her number and her friends numbers as well tonight.
I exposed the affair to his parents, grandmother, aunt, uncle, and to my family. He left work so I haven't exposed it there yet. I'm afraid if I do, it will set us back. He's hoping to someday return there after she's gone. Why? He has a felony record so its hard for him to find a job and even though he hates his former job, its a job. So what do I do? He's gone, Melody said to expose it and I want to but honestly, I'm afraid of the fallout.
Husbands EP- none that I'm aware of. He's aware that I need honesty, affection and communication at this point. Since D-Day (9/9/12) he has cuddled me 3 times, sorta if you count just putting your hand on me. Communication, well refer to the first paragraph- not being too transparent either.
Sex is better but usually I still have to initiate. He still says he has no urge. That I should just use him for when I want it, that once its started he does enjoy it but he doesn't have the urge to start himself. Although twice he did initiate which is good.
We'll see after tonight once we go thru all of our emotional needs and discuss our plans further.
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EPs are extraordinary precautions. Like never talking with Women about his personal life, etc.
Why hasn't he changed all contact information? Did he write a NC letter?
What snooping techniques do you have in place?
If he quit that job why not take Mel's advice and expose? He isn't at that job anymore, why would it set you back?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I agree and he has boundary issues, for sure. I'd like it if he didn't work around other women, perhaps something a more male environment.
He texted her that it was over and not to contact him again.
I have a keylogger and iphone software.
I'm afraid he'd get mad. He wants to stay on good terms with the former employer. I'm sure he'd get mad thinking "I left my job for you. Why did you do that? What purpose did it serve? You ruined my chances of ever going back. I don't appreciate you doing that to me."
Trust me, I want to in the worst way but will it do more harm than good? He and the OW worked together, he quit and isn't contacting her so is it worth it? I don't know and I'm scared of the outcome when he finds out.
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I agree and he has boundary issues, for sure. I'd like it if he didn't work around other women, perhaps something a more male environment.
He texted her that it was over and not to contact him again.
I have a keylogger and iphone software.
I'm afraid he'd get mad. He wants to stay on good terms with the former employer. I'm sure he'd get mad thinking "I left my job for you. Why did you do that? What purpose did it serve? You ruined my chances of ever going back. I don't appreciate you doing that to me."
Trust me, I want to in the worst way but will it do more harm than good? He and the OW worked together, he quit and isn't contacting her so is it worth it? I don't know and I'm scared of the outcome when he finds out. Why won't he change his contact information? This leaves the door open for her to continue to contact him, it's just a matter of time.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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His contact number is his business number. Its all over the truck, the trailer, promotional materials, shirts....everything.
We're talking thousands of dollars to change his number.
Last edited by Helen67; 11/08/12 02:42 PM.
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His contact number is his business number. Its all over the truck, the trailer, promotional materials, shirts....everything.
We're talking thousands of dollars to change his number. Well if his business is more important than his marriage? He hasn't even blocked her number? How do you know he isn't out seeing her while you're at work?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I stopped traveling so now I work out of the house 99% of the time.
He's working hard to get this business going and if we block her number then it should be okay. Not 100% but I do check the phone bill too. I'll see it whether she calls or uses the store or friends number. I'll also look for unusual patterns.
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DDay was on 9/9 and yet there has not been much done to protect your marriage and work toward recovery since then. I am not insinuating that YOU have not put work in Helen! Because I can tell you are sensitive to that  I am saying that he does not seem like he is doing anything to work toward recovery on his part, and it doesn't sound like you are holding him accountable to that. I would highly suggest you continue snooping though, based on his interactions with you it sounds to me like this is a false recovery and his A has just gone underground. I am glad to hear you don't believe his wayward story minimalizing this affair, because I don't either. One of the conditions for recovery should be for him to take a polygraph to prove to you that you have all of the information surrounding his affair. EP's and creating good boundaries around your marriage are ESSENTIAL, in general but even more so when there has been an infidelity. This would include no contact with the OW, eliminating any avenues for the OW to contact him, total transparency to you, etc.
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I just found this site after months of looking for self-help, guidance, and trying to sort thru the devastation. I feel for everyone here and wish everyone the best:)
I returned home from a business trip and my husband confessed that his 22 year old employee was in need of help. He claimed another employee called him at 4 a.m. stating that the OW was thrown out of her place by her boyfriend. She went out drinking and her phone died so the OW's friend wanted my husband to go look for her. (BS!! Who calls their boss at 4am!). Next, the OW had enough charge in her phone to call my husband and he graciously offered her to come sleep at our house so she could get ready for work in the morning. He claimed she was in need of help and that they would do the same for him. (BS!!! With 500+ friends on Facebook, not one she could call!) He claims nothing happened. He stated he would not risk what we had and that he would leave me before cheating on me. So I ask.. What shower did she use? Did you offer her a toothbrush? No Did she use the hairdryer? No-she didnt wash her hair. Hmmmm...what women takes a shower but doesn't wash their hair or wet it to get it looking normal? So if she didn't wash her hair, didn't ask for a toothbrush, and just washed up then she could of done that AT WORK or gone home to her grandmothers house. Now I am suspicious, very suspicious. He is telling me because there are witnesses...my neighbors!
I take a look at the cell phone and find a photo of her in her underwear. I confront him and he states its from facebook. BS! It was sent and even if it was from FB, WHY did you save it!!
Now I go into stealth mode. I find a deleted text about kissing and I confront him. He states it was just a peck, swears up and down. I know he's lying so I dig deeper and keep up my snooping.
I find another text a week later. Now its more sexual and explicit. I confront him again and now he admits to it. Finally he stops lying and tells me everything. I have to admit, I only absorbed a fraction of what he told me as it was so overwhelming. My world came tumbling down around me. So, he did NOT stop lying and did NOT tell you everything. Clearly, he has been filling you full of wayward bullcrap. Once again, I am glad to see you post in future posts that you do not believe what he has told you. Any third party can see that it is a bunch of lies. Demand that he take a poly and get the truth about what your WH has been doing in your OWN HOME.
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From what I can peice together, as he doesn't like "rehashing" it over and over again One of the cornerstone MB concepts is the PORH (Policy of Radical Honesty). This is ESSENTIAL for recovery after and A. He should provide you with all details regarding his A, and you should confirm those details with a poly. Once you have all the details you require, you should not discuss the A again (rehashing). But you can't 'rehash' what you haven't yet hashed now can you? If he is still lying to you and withholding information, that does not constitute rehashing.
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He offered to quit his job and go to counseling. I have asked that he no longer take his iphone into the bathroom since this is where he'd start texting her every morning. I asked that while he gave his 2 week notice, that he does not work with her. He claims they did not have intercourse, just oral sex. He offered to quit his job and go to counseling even though he says that nothing happened? Oh, wait, ORAL SEX happened. FYI even if that was true, it is cheating.
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He offered to quit his job and go to counseling. I have asked that he no longer take his iphone into the bathroom since this is where he'd start texting her every morning. I asked that while he gave his 2 week notice, that he does not work with her. This is the problem. You have been betrayed. You should not be 'asking' your WH to do these things for you. This should be a 'here is what it will take for ME to recover our marriage with YOU after your affair.' As part of your EP's that he needs to agree with for you to invest in recovery, he CANNOT take his iphone into the bathroom with him. Period. There should not be 'asking' him to protect your marriage, it should be a condition that needs to be met for YOU to invest in recovery. I took all joint property out of his name as she is 22 and he is 45, she'd not going to just disappear. She fell for him. I texted her, carefully choosing my words, and she was not phased. I just texted her telling her to stop texting my husband, short and sweet. Hopefully she will take heed. Please don't make the mistake of thinking that this young girl fell for your older H and is chasing HIM. He could just as easily have 'fallen for her' if she met his most important EN's. And don't be shy about telling her that you will do whatever you need to do to fight for your marriage. Not so sure about choosing words that are short and sweet. Nothing sweet about having an A with a married man.
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He also resents living under a microscope and I told him that he created the situation and until I can trust him, I'll continue to be on high alert. Dr Harley says that you should never trust someone. All people are wired for affairs, which is why it is important to have integrated, completely transparent lifestyles with very high boundaries to protect yourself from affairs. He doesn't like being under a microscope for a REASON. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
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Good job on losing 20lbs! Finding out what his needs are and meeting them for a great marriage in the future is very important. But right now, making sure this A is dead is more important. Creating a recovery plan that involves EP's and boundaries is more important. Having plastic surgery and getting bigger bxxbs (will that be edited ) is ...controversial so I won't comment... but if he continues to have poor boundaries it will not matter, he will continue with this A or another one. You remind me a lot of myself Helen, when I first came here. Bitter and resentful, couldn't HELP but spew terrible things about my WH! Yet under that, really really dedicated to doing whatever I could to have a great marriage. Can you ditch your current MC and invest in some sessions with the Harleys?
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He agreed to stop taking the phone in because I told him that it made me feel unconfortable and I didn't like it. I'd feel better if he didn't and he stopped.
He very well could of fell for her. No question about it. I saw a text that he said "I will always have certain feelings for you". I also saw where he discussed "pros and cons but there's more cons". He also stated he knew the OW wouldn't stay with him long term. So yes, I agree.
Reason why I didn't get nasty is that it was in writing, texting. I will not do anything to jeopardize myself or get myself into trouble. My wording was strong and she got the message. She thought I should flatten her tire or key her car, that would be satisfactory retribution. Again, I'm not putting myself in the position to get in trouble with the law.
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You can't use words like "please stop...I'd feel better if..." because that makes it his CHOICE. This is a requirement for you to commit to recovering with HIM, not a choice he can make.
How about that poly?
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Unwritten, I don't mean to come off bitter/resentful. I think I've contributed a lot of love bank deposits over the years. I've received NONE. So when I consistently hear what I have to do it makes me think about what he should do. Trust me, I know I'm not perfect and she fullfilled his EN by flirting and being an attractive young women.
I'm quite interested in going over our EN questionaire because he couldn't come up with anything he'd like to see changed in me other than lose the weight. He said that himself.
As I completed the questionaire it became blatantly obvious that he's been deficient in virtually all areas. But no matter what I tried, he wasn't receptive. He had his porn, the OW, and just what appears to be a blatant disinterest. So I'm more fustrated than bitter? Maybe I'm wrong but trust me, I'm willing to commit and do what is needed but he has to as well, can't do it alone.
Admittedly, the past year I've been extremely depressed and had given up so this has been an eye opener but it still doesn't justify him having an affair.
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He wouldn't do a poly, no way. I wouldn't even know where to go to have one done even if he did agree.
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He wouldn't do a poly, no way. I wouldn't even know where to go to have one done even if he did agree. Here. Polygraph Testing
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I didn't mean to come off bitter/resentful either Working hard in a marriage and caring deeply about its success, and feeling like that is one sided can take its toll. Add to that infidelity, who would NOT have resentment??? What you can do to help in recovery is to lay that resentment aside, it will not help you to recover. It will not make your WH feel safe to recover with you. If he is in an A it will drive him further away. Understandable = COMPLETELY. Helpful = not at ALL. And, its not good for you... NOTHING you have or haven't done justifies his affair. Nothing. Nobody here will ever insinuate that it does. You are 100% responsible for the things that you did to create a marriage with poor boundaries and where needs were left unmet, but you are NOT responsible for his choice to have an affair. I can relate to all of your weight posts, they practically mirror my own. I won't weigh in on that, maybe just observe and learn You need to require more for yourself. Dr Harley does suggest Plan B/seperation if a spouse is unwilling to meet the other spouses EN's. And it is 100% the advice given to a BS whose WS refuses to recover the marriage after their affair and protect it from future affairs. Make the poly a requirement. Why do you settle for crumbs?
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