My wife ended a long distance emotional affair with her x. That was 8 months ago.
We've been in counseling, and she tries to tell me that she loves me & wants forgiveness. I can't accept it. I can't stop thinking about it & bringing it up.
I think about him every day, unintentionally. It's driving me crazy, her crazy, our counselor crazy.
I don't know what to do.

What causes you to keep bringing it up? Are you being triggered somehow?

Has she ended all contact with the OM?

Has she answered ALL questions about the affair?

Has she changed the environment that made the affair possible?

When was her LAST contact with the OM?

She left her husband to be with you. She started her relationship with you as an affair.

I think you're worried that she might never have finished seeing her ex or might go back to contacting him, and you have reason to worry. She is not good at fidelity.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Have you exposed this affair?
Exposure is the most effective weapon in killing affairs.
Expos� it to your family and his children and parents.

And start secretly stashing money away.
You may need it in the near future

I don't know the answers to your questions.

Anything triggers my emotions & worries.

As far as I know, contact stopped around March.

I don't know what other questions to ask. The subject brings hostility, and our counselor has told me not to bring him up anymore.

I don't know how to answer the environmental question. Not even sure I understand the question...

Are you thinking because your relationship started as an affair that she is doing it to you?

Okay, my relationship DID NOT start as an affair. If that's all you people want to point out, have at it. I get it. She was married, unhappy, started writing, and left her [censored] husband. I must be an [censored] too for her to start looking for someone to talk to.

I GET IT.

If you don't want to answer my questions or help me out, don't bother replying to my posts, okay??

I'm sorry, but your relationship DID start out as an affair.

The thing is, this is relevant to the problem you are having now. This behaviour where she flits between the two of you has happened before. She had two children with this man and clearly she still has feelings for him. I doubt that she thinks it is wrong to get involved with him while married to you, as neither of you thought it was wrong for her to get involved with you while married to him.

It takes a great deal of selfishness to break up a marriage and take two children away from their father to pursue greater happiness. That selfishness and disregard for people who depended on her was embedded into the start of your relationship and has never been cured. She is showing the same disregard for her commitments to you as she showed to him. If it was right for her to get involved with you while still married to him, it can't be wrong for her to get involved with him again while still married to you.

"She was married, unhappy, started writing, and left her [censored] husband". She is no doubt saying now that she is married, unhappy and wants to leave her [censored] husband. What's the difference?

You have a six-month baby. How old was her youngest child when she got re-involved with you?

This is the same EX that she was married to when she told you she never should have married him?

Your WW had zero boundaries in her first marriage and has zero boundaries in your marriage. What is she going to do to have boundaries?

I'm trying to put things back together, though all I get is grief here, but here goes.

I can't stop bringing up my wife's affair, and questioning her. Now she starts getting pissed when I bring it up. I don't know how to move on.

I'm trying to put things back together, though all I get is grief here, but here goes...I can't stop bringing up my wife's affair, and questioning her. Now she starts getting pissed when I bring it up. I don't know how to move on.

Hmmmmm, why do you ask for our help, my friend? Our opinions have likely not changed enough for your comfort.

Okay, my relationship DID NOT start as an affair. If that's all you people want to point out, have at it. I get it. She was married, unhappy, started writing, and left her [censored] husband. I must be an [censored] too for her to start looking for someone to talk to.

I GET IT.

If you don't want to answer my questions or help me out, don't bother replying to my posts, okay??

Since I was not the target of your other thread's diatribe, let me try to solve this for you.

You started your intimate electronic conversation with your WW while she was married. Whether you knew she was married at the time is immaterial to this discussion, because the salient point is that SHE damn well knew it.

She dumped hubby #1 and took up with you, married and had a child with you.

Then you discovered she had dived back into her relationship with (now) ex-hubby, which you discovered, and after NOT taking a lot of well-meant advice from colleagues here, you saw her affair with ex-hubby peter out.

BUT YOU DIDN'T KILL IT! You didn't expose, you didn't demand NC, JCs and EPs. There is NOTHING in your life that did not exist prior to WW re-engaging with POSexH, that exists today.

In short, you are justified in being insecure. I wouldn't trust her either.

So you're saying, in order to move on, I HAVE to do those things? Against better judgement, against experienced & educated advice, against the majority of marriage counsel thinking?

You're right in saying I'm uncomfortable with that. So, no advice other than to tell absolutely everyone she & I know that she had an affair?? Seems dangerous to me...

Of course it is not against better judgment. It is poor judgement that would lead one to hide an affair, because it leads to repeat affairs. It is not educated or experienced "advice" that counsels one to hide an affair. The "majority" of marriage counselors are unqualified, inexperienced and destructive to marriages. They have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. You consider that qualified advice?


How is it "dangerous?"

Dude, your subconscious is right now a lot more grounded than your conscious brain, because the s/c is one fearless sumbitch.

You have the opportunity to enlist your FWW in doing the exposure, friend. Both of you can approach the key family and friend members, explain her failure, and ask their help in supporting her new commitment to your union.

Exposing to whoever is important on POSexH's side, I'll leave to you and FWW.

FWW should also write a No-Contact Letter (in her own hand) from one of the templates here, give it to you for your approval, and you mail it.

EPs would likely center on you having all passwords to her texting/e-mail usage.

All of these together make up a sizable chunk of the JC factors.

None of these things are going to be so awful, IF she is truly on-board. If she protests, or refuses, you'd have to ask "why" and the answer might not be pleasant.

Are you in recovery?

No.

Your expert advisors that you cite have about and 85% failure rate at saving marriages.

Now if you want to recover you have to do what your gut is telling you to do. That is follow the books Surviving An Affair and His Needs Her Needs.

If you are not reading those books and not following the advice here of people that have been where you are now and made it through you are not in recovery.

I have seen more success stories here then on sites that give out the bad advice that you want to follow. They have more people that wind up divorced then marriages saved.

Have you read Dr Harley's bio? The fact that he has a doctorate (educated), that he has been saving marriages for over 30 years (experience), and the fact that he specializes in infidelity? Do you know of any other MC out there with a following of RECOVERED MARRIAGES where people are so convinced of his methodology, due to the grand impact it has had on their own marriages and their own lives, to frequent a board trying to help newly betrayed and wayward people find the same path? Didn't think so.

The advice on this forum is not that of personal opinion, it is that of Dr Harley and the MB concepts. The MB plan to recovery is a proven plan, and there are many many people on here that are a testament to that. So, there's your education and experience.

The answer is: yes! The plan to recovery after an affair (and in this case, an affair in an affairage), is very very narrow, in your case even MORE narrow because of the very fact your marriage began as an affair. For you to succeed it must be followed, or you will never feel safe in your marriage, and you never should!

I have looked at your previous thread .... And looking forward to a better marriage for you both .... all I can ask you to do is the following.

BUY a copy of Surviving An Affair.
Every night, for an hour, you and your wife take turns reading aloud to each other from SAA.
Then, you discuss what you need to discuss.

This is quality undivided attention .... and gets you working together instead of against each other.

Other than that specially delegated time, the affair is not the topic for discussion.

No excuse not to do this.