This is my first post. I have a few questions and know that you need a quick background first. (How do you make it quick? Sorry it's pretty long!)

Been together 20 years. I have 2 sons from a previous relationship and another son with my WH who is nearly 13.
WH never got on well with oldest son, and we strongly disagreed on the upbringing of him. WH was very hard and I feel very cruel in his upbringing, this is still a sore point as my oldest son has not spoken to me for 2 years. I can not explain how much this kills me.

When the affair came out, my 2 older sons were told but my youngest wasn�t. I feel this was a bad move as he does not know why I was/am so cut up, I explained to him that we just weren�t getting on so that was why I moved out. I wish WH would have been the one to tell him what he had done to me, but now I feel too much time has gone by to bring it up now without upsetting him.

Both of us were very independent, I raised the kids & worked part time, he worked very hard and long hours and we just kind of fumbled through life. He was never very talkative and never liked physical affection. I always craved conversation and affection, asked for it alot, but never got it. I went into myself a lot and worked hard on raising my kids, feeling very alone and disconnected.

I felt like I owed him a lot for taking on my kids and raising them like his own. Every so often we would get on really well and WH would open up to me. I feel this is what kept me with him as I loved that part of him.

Over 2 years ago WH went to a reunion and ended up having a 9 month affair with a slapper from his old school.
I left the day I found out and moved out into my own place, I felt so let down when he said I didn�t admire him or give him affection. WTF! That she was happy to see him and all the other crap that all WHs say. I could not believe the betrayal I felt as I was the one who kept asking for affection but got nothing absolutely nothing. I keep thinking why did he have an affair when it was me that was empty and I was asking for what I needed, and he never spoke to me about what he needed from me, I would have jumped at the chance to do anything to make our marriage good.

WH did amazing at winning me back. He changed into a superman. Would talk to me for hours, bought me gifts, surprised me with a weekend away. I could not fault his actions at winning me back.

After 3 months I moved back but I was still so unhappy. I hated the un trust I felt and admit I did everything wrong on my side. It was like I was just waiting for the next time and the times I asked for verification on where he was he would get angry and say he felt he was on trial. WH would also tell me I had to forgive him to move on.

Earlier this year I moved out again after we got into an argument and he was extremely angry and scared me to the point that I wanted out. He said he was sorry and would do anything to make it work and once again I gave him the chance. He finally said he would do the MB with me, after me asking for over a year. I finally thought yes we will get this right; we will work hard at it and together be on the same page. I moved back in to really work at our marriage, but feel it is still not getting much better, there are still so many problems that we have and WH says if everything isn�t my way then I make problems, I just want to get it right, not MY way not HIS way, OUR way.
There are a lot of great changes he has made, he is kind and considerate, helps around the house heaps, cooks etc and I try really hard to focus on the good but I just don�t know whether we will ever get this, I still feel so hurt, and I�m just plain tired

So the questions I have�
1. How do I get to the forgiveness feeling? I just do not have it.
2. How do I stop feeling like he owes me for what he has done.
3. How do I stop wanting to move out everytime something goes wrong again?
4. Why after over 2 years am I not over it, I am so tired of this way of life?
5. How do I stop hurting?

Sorry for the long winded post.

I'm so sorry for the reason you are here. Adultery is about the worst experience anyone can be put through. You are in the best place to recover your marriage after your H's adultery.

1.) Forgiveness is NOT a feeling! Your H has to EARN your forgiveness. Which leads to your 2nd question.

2.) You feel this way because he does indeed owe you something for what he has done. Dr. Harley discusses Just Compensation Here

3. You and your H need to restore your marriage by avoiding ALL love busters and by meeting each other's most important emotional needs. That will go a long way to reducing the "things that go wrong."

4. The reason you are not "over it" is because your H has not earned your forgiveness.

5. You will stop hurting (the pain will fade) when your marriage is restored and when your H institutes non-negotiable Extraordinary Precautions.

ALL your children should know about the affair. Your youngest needs to understand what is going on, so he doesn't create his own understanding. He should know his father had an affair. He should know the name of the OW.

Your family should know about the affair, too. This will give you much-needed support and will also make your H accountable.

Extraordinary Precautions:

Never contact or see the OW again...for life.
Eliminate the conditions that caused the affair: travel, time alone on the computer, etc.
Live an integrated and transparent life with you.
Account for all time and money spent.
Share all passwords.
No nights apart.

If your H is onboard with MB, a good idea is to sign up for the MB Online Seminar. It costs about a thousand dollars, but you get an accountability coach, all the materials, and access to the very valuable private forum.

Finally, when was your D-Day? (the day you found out about the affair.)

Thank you for your reply LongWayFromHome.

We are doing the online Seminar, very slowly, but we are doing it.
Im almost embarassed to say how long ago D-day was, the date I found out was 1.6.10

Extraordinary Precautions are in place and I feel have been met but sometimes I feel he doesnt like meeting them.

The OW has just recently gotten married so I should feel good that she is out of his life, but I felt a couple of other emotions. The one feeling I had was, how came she gets to ruin my life then she finds happiness? Then the other one was Im still unhappy? Maybe it is me?

I am on ADs but feel I need to triple my dose maybe! Or maybe stop thinking so much.

Thanks for the listening, maybe I just need to vent.

Has your WH given you just compensation?

Perfectly said, Longwayhome! Please follow her advice to the letter. Your marriage desperately needs the extra help of the MB online program in order to get your husband on board. Longwayhome and I have both fully recovered our marriages using this resource.

In the online program, you have a coach who guides you through the lessons, but more importantly, you have Dr Harley at your disposal who can whip your husband into shape if need be. HE can be the bad guy instead of you.

Dr Harley does not believe in "forgivness." He believes in just compensation and that is why you are not recovering. It is like a man who owes $10,000 for a boat and it is in his best interest to pay the money but wants to keep the money for himself. It is all of your best interest for your H to make just compensation. Please read the link that longwayhome posted.

Go to this thread and play the radio clips about forgiveness. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=163853&Number=2518985#Post2518985

And I would implore you to tell your son about the affair. Do it alone and then tell your husband afterwards, so you don't have a fight about it. Giving your son false explanations for the source of tension in his home teaches him to be dishonest and only causes confusion.

If the OW is married, her husband should be notified by you of the affair.

So sorry for the reasons you are here. You are in the right place, my friend.

Then you can post to Dr Harley NOW and let Dr Harley work him over. This is not even a negotiable issue.

Which EPs does he not like meeting? WHAT is keeping you so triggered?


Does her husband know about the affair? If not, he should be told so he can protect himself from your husband. This is vital information that he needs to know for his own protection.

"Does her husband know about the affair? If not, he should be told so he can protect himself from your husband. This is vital information that he needs to know for his own protection."
I promise to listen and take all advise given but really does he need to know? If they havent been in contact for over 2 years then wouldnt that be asking for her to be in contact again? I do not want any reason at all for her to ever contact me or WH.

"Which EPs does he not like meeting? WHAT is keeping you so triggered?"
Before WH got caught he was always going on work functions and I have asked for all these to stop unless I am with him. He works in a workplace of lots of woman, the Xmas partys are always no spouses invited, and I feel that is wrong. He also gets lots of perks like fishing trips etc and that triggers me terribly as that was the excuse he told me to go away on a weekend with OW so he does miss out on heaps of stuff now, and I suppose maybe I feel guilty that I am not letting him go? Maybe thats why I feel he doesnt really like doing it as it is how I am feeling. He use to be able to go to everything as I trusted him completely, stupid me! in hindsight!
"What is triggering me?"
Our house is the main trigger as he took the OW here and I sleep in the same room every friggin night but we are sorting this out. We are getting it on the market soon and are going to move...can't wait! As I am sure that will help heaps.

Regarding the just compensation question....

Im not even sure what compensation he could ever give me to make up for what he has done to me.

I am sick of this consuming my life. I cant remember who I was before this happened. I am constantly on the verge of tears and I use to be a strong woman. Its like my whole life has been taken over by WH actions and maybe he cant ever do anything to make up for it.

The only way I can think of to have peace from all this hurt is to be by myself and build myself a new life. At least I have control and can do all the work to get myself better again without having to be let down by my way too high exectations. (I know my expectations are probably way too high)

Your home is a big trigger. Dr. Harley has often recommended that the house should be sold in order to eliminate that trigger.

I can't imagine having to sleep where the skanky OW helped defile my marriage. People here have sold the cars, burned clothing, even burned a couch that the APs (Adultery Partners) have sat on.

The nights out alone should simply stop. No more going out without you. Those company functions with no spouses invited? Shame on that company! He should not attend unless you can go.

Your H will have to make a complete turnaround in his lifestyle. But there have been folks on this board who have done just that--sometimes to the detriment of their careers. But the career is supposed to support the marriage; NOT the other way around.

If you can eliminate all these triggers, institute the extraordinary precautions to prevent this from ever happening to you again, and your H was to do all possible to meet your ENs and avoid LBs, you would feel better. If you don't feel better by now, there is a lot still to be done.

Since you are doing the online seminar, please email Dr. Harley and/or call your coach. Your coach needs to try and motivate your H.

hi bettertimes. your screen name is apt - if you and your H do the MB programme, you will indeed have better times ahead!

don't be ashamed at how "long" ago DD was. i didn't show up here until nearly 5 years after DD. it wasn't until we started MB that i could finally start to heal. there are sometimes bumps in the road, because changing your lifestyle isn't easy, and sometimes we want the comfort of familiarity, even though it brings us pain. however, doing the hard yards for the changes does pay off.

i can't agree more with selling the house. a solid first move.

yes, your child needs to be told. i know you know this. but now you have several posters giving you affirmation.

you don't feel better yet because you haven't been working MB until now. you *will* feel better as you BOTH work the programme. your H may seem reluctant...sometimes they are. that makes for bumps in the road, but as they see progress, they become more and more willing.

sometimes i see our male posters post this, and i think it is something we women forget about. i will paraphrase as best i can: people *enjoy* doing things when there is a...this isn't the best word...payoff. we like to do things that make us feel good, that generate positive feelings. as you start working the programme, and your H sees that when he does something desirable, like meeting an EN, he gets good feelings in return (happiness from you), it makes him more likely to do that again. operant (sp) conditioning? geez, maybe i should just wait until one of them chime in; i'm not doing the thought justice!

this takes hard work, because at first the BS is thinking, "well, that was a little thing, but i really wanted xx." consequently, we are not as receptive to the action given by the WS. and we slow down our own recovery by waiting for the big action, rather than appreciating the little ones. consider the little ones bricks in rebuilding your relationship. you can't build a house without a foundation, and a foundation is created one step at a time, YKWIM? you want to create an environment that makes your spouse happy to be with you. enjoyment, not tension.

this is why it's so important to do the EN and LB questionnaires, so you can both be as specific as possible in relating exactly what you need (and don't need), which allows you to create this environment. it's so good that you guys are doing the online programme!

anyhow, after that long-winded, poorly worded bit above, welcome to MB. you are in the best place to create a loving, happy, successful marriage!

bettertimesahead

So sorry for what brings you!

Vent away till your heart's content here. Better here than LB's at the WH. Besides the Vets are so good at uncovering the root cause of your frustration from your vents and guiding you to a MB based solution.

In recovery it is so easy to mirror gaze and lament where you have been and not concentrate where you are going.

You ARE doing the right thing NOW by seeking the MB way and are getting the tools and information to have a extraordinary marriage in the future.

Be diligent you can do this!

Has your WH answered all of your questions about the affair?

You need to get out of your house asap. You are being triggered constantly in a place that should be safe for you. Why not list it with a realtor today? That will give you a feeling that you are at least working toward the goal of getting away from those triggers. In the short term, can you relocate your bedroom? If your WH sullied that room by carrying on his affair in it, you should not be subjected to having to be in it.

You need to contact OW's husband and warn him about the two of them. His wife has no qualms about damaging marriages - he needs to know that. He also needs to know about your WH so he can keep an eye out to make sure WH doesn't attempt to contact his wife.

Thank you for all your input.