My husband and I have had our ups and downs our entire marriage with so many problems. To start off the first year, he loved porn, strip clubs, and was a workaholic. We both married too young. He was only 19 and I was 21. This pushed me away from him because I had no idea he wanted more than me in the bedroom. It actually hurt a lot. Through 15 years of our marriage, both of us had an affair. He had a sexual affair. Mine was more emotional. We have tried working things out and becoming closer. I do believe we are closer but there is still so much missing especially now knowing how it feels to be truly loved and wanted. Our sex life used to be nonexistent. He is a taker and a giver so I finally stopped giving. It's weird but making love makes me feel more loved. When this stopped, it's like we were roommates or only friends. There isn't kissing and sex is awkward because it lasts a minute and he's done.
Long story short, I'm still not happy. The man I had the emotional affair with is still heavy on my heart. I don't see him because he's in another state but I'm very much in love with him. We had everything from communication to intimacy. It felt like nothing was missing. He'd marry me in a heartbeat because we had such a connection. I don't know how to get over him as hard as I try. It's not fair to my husband that I'm constantly thinking about the other man. I tried splitting up before, but our two kids cried, my husband became depressed and lost so much weight. I gave in and stayed. Plus, I felt so guilty for having the affair. If I was happy in the first place, then I know the affair wouldn't have ever started. Please help me in what to do. I'm needing honest advice because I've only talked to 2 of my family members. What my friends and family think means a great deal to me. Please help me figure out what to do.

Welcome, Lost.
Have you told your husband about the EA with OM? Who IS OM?

Yes, he knows about him and has even talked to him on the phone.

Who is OM? Is he married?

He's a wonderful Christian man that was married once before for 9 years. He's been divorced for 4 years and has 2 children with joint custody. When we began talking, he told me that he couldn't hold my hand if he met me and I was married. So, of course, I told him I was separated. I fell hard for him. He does know the complete truth now and still loves me.

Uh, no.

He does not love you. He likes that he has an easy piece whenever he wants. You are "safe" because you are married and he is clearly not interested in commitment.

He continues to gravely insult you, again and again.

Break it off as soon as possible.

A wonderful Christian man wouldn't talk to a married woman in that manner. Separated is still married.

You certainly place this man on a pedestal.

I suggest you end contact with him for life before you ruin your life and many other lifess

x1,000,000!

I haven't been happily married pretty much my entire marriage. It's mainly because of feeling empty. Do you really not think I should leave? I don't want to feel this way the rest of my life.

You haven't been happily married because you aren't having your emotional needs met.
MB teaches couples how to "fall in love".
I encourage you to read the Book His Needs Her Needs by Dr Harley. I was married 10 years and it was very eye opening for me.

My wife felt the same way you do now. She chose to go out and have an affair and it ruined our family. Affairs are not the way to deal with marriage problems.

Please stop talking to this man and read His Needs Her Needs.

I've actually read that book and The Five Love Languages. You are very right about the needs not being met. Even after reading this book last year for the second time, my needs were not met. My husband says he's very happily married and we are fine. I feel like my life will always be empty.

Have you asked your husband to complete an Emotional Needs questionnaire?
They can be downloaded from this website. You both complete them and them share with each other

I have to caution you.
As long as you are speaking to this other man you have a fantasy that he is a knight in shining armor and could rescue you from your prison.
So te first thing that needs to happen is you should commit to never speaking to this man again.

What about the MB online program? Are you honest with your BH and let him know that you still think of this OM?

Emotional Needs Questionnaire

We did the emotional needs questionnaire last year. He actually did change in some areas. The empty feeling is still there. It's like we are friends raising our kids.
You say I feel like om is going to rescue me from my prison. That's very true. I do feel like that. He completes me in every way. I haven't told my husband I'm talking to him again bc I'm trying to figure out if leaving is the right thing to do. He'll blow up if he knows we're talking.

Your marriage has No hope as long as you are involved in an emotional affair with this man.
What you are doing is morally wrong and will destroy you, your family and this other man.

So you won't give him a chance to change more?


It might help if you stopped talking to this other guy and actually tried with your H. Put the effort you are putting into your affair into your marriage. You might be shocked how well it might turn out.


You are high as a kite and you need to stop.


"I need to figure out if I should leave my marriage for my cake, who is only telling me things to get me to drop my panties"


I wonder why your husband would be upset about that?

He's actually several states away. I've met him twice in person so I don't think he's using me to get in my pants.

ALL OM do at some point. Stop talking to him. You are cheating and wonder why your marriage is bad?

Are you going to do the right thing and stop having this affair and tell your BH the truth?