I find myself using my children as my excuse for not leaving. I have been a housewife for 12 years and am now only working parttime as a legal secretary. I cannot support myself on my own without putting all three kids in daycare.<P>What is more fair to the children? Should we stay together allowing them to wonder what is wrong with Mommy and Daddy?<P>Would it be better to move on and learn to be a happy Mommy again?<P>My 4th grade son used to be a straight A student in an accellerated class, this 6-weeks he failed one class.<P>My 6th grade son has failed classes 2 6-weeks in a row and I got a call from one of his teachers today. (He knows about the affair, his father decided to tell him during a bout of honesty - very misguided in my opinion)<P>My 5 yearold daughter is full of sunshine and love. I wonder how long that will last. She has asked me why I don't smile much anymore.

No matter how unhappy the kids are now, nothing is worse than not having their parents together. Obviously the best alternative is to work on getting through the issues while staying together - why do you think you would be happy if you moved out? I have had to go to work part time since my H left for the OW, and that, on top of their father being gone, has been terribly, terribly hard on them. Do you actually think you will be happy juggling three kids on your own and a full-time job? Three kids who miss their father, and don't understand why their parents weren't willing to put their kids needs first? I have read research that demonstrated that children can be quite happy irrespective of how happy their parents are, as long as they are not having to hide under the stairs to avoid their parents' arguments or something. Children are not an "excuse" for not leaving - they are the best reason in the world for staying together.

I've seen all sorts of studies and there are those that support whatever you want to believe. <BR>The best one I've read though shows that kids will do well as long as their parents are not hostile toward each other (married or divorced). <BR>Definitely, what's best for the kids is an intact happy marriage. Second best is a friendly divorce that allows for co-parenting. Third best is an intact marriage where hostility isn't present, but mom and dad aren't necessarily happy but both participate in parenting.<BR>The last two scenarios seem harder to accomplish or tolerate than the first one.<BR>But if you can manage to work simply toward being friendly and cooperative, (including trust and respect) you'll likely follow a path that leads to the two of you in love again.

I feel so torn concerning my obligations. My H is extremely demanding on my time. I fear that he resents any attention I give the kids because that is time I'm not spending with him. He works strange hours and so sometimes the only time we have together is when the kids are home and awake. I fear that the kids feel neglected when he is wanting his "alone" time with me.<P>I don't feel I have the freedom to say "not now, I need to be with the kids".<P>I do feel I could be happier out of this marriage than I am now. I truly want out, but do not know how to manage it financially. There is also the problem that our affair is a huge secret. Nobody in our family knows, only a couple of dear friends and our preacher.<P>My mother is very suspicious and very concerned about me because of mood swings and I have become so very thin, but I haven't told any family members on either side.

I trying to deal with a similar situation, except since my w left she is owrking almost full time afternoon shifts so she sees very little of the kids now and thats one thing that was driving me nuts before.<P>Someone pointed out that I may have been over compensating on the kids due to my childhood, my father was never involved in the family much.<P>Why not give more time to your husban when he is home. Your kids sound bright and should be able to take care of themselves for a while and help take care of the younger one. Make them independent of you if you already haven't. <P>My kids 3rd and 6th grade seem to be able to fend for themselves pretty well, even though I do worry alot about my son as he likes to roam between friend's houses and he is sometimes hard to track down.<P>Somebody else said what could be better for the kids than seeing their parents together.

What is your H's relationship with the kids? Has it changed any since the affair?<P>Exactly what kind of attention does he want when kids are present? Just attention and conversation?<P>What would your H say if he was answering the same questions?<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I can relate to what is best for the children. Our oldest son was in the 6th grade last year. He was having a hard time with W talking about getting a divorce. She blurted it out because she thought I had told them when I was trying to work it out, albeit onesided.<P>I am still in favor of toughing it out while explaining to them about what is going on. I have been shot down by friends, my pastor, and other confidants that this is not the best way to handle it. I disagree because I am also showing our boys how to be a man of God and how to react should they find themselves in the same boat. I also am trying to teach them the things that I just recently learned about relationships. Had I been taught these things as a child, I am sure that our marriage would have been more pleasant than it has. We still would have had problems because Satan is real and wants to destroy families so that he can destroy that which God has created. Isn't pride a horrible thing.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>