What about the NC letter?

He still hasn't written it. I'm not sure if he thinks that now her number is blocked he don't have to?? Just guessing.

His mom stopped by and turns out SHE's the OW in her relationship, bothered me quite a bit. No, it bothered me a lot! What bothered me more was my WH saying "If he doesn't love his GF of 9 yrs, why stay?" Hello, he went back to her and they are in their late 60's, not married but still in a relationship. So what his mother is doing is right? SHE IS DOING WHAT WAS DONE TO ME! His mother only cares about herself!

My point being is that my WH's A with the OW is probably no different! OW wants him and is HE going behind my back as well? Will he? Did he? Is this really a FR?

I'll ask again tomorrow about the NC letter and also let him know that today he did not meet my EN's as discussed last night. Seriously, when is he going to start? Is he serious? And I thought we made some progress, perhaps I was wrong.

Helen,

If he will not step up and start doing the things that are required for recovery you will need to start preparing for Plan B.

A NC letter is non-negotiable.

You need to tell him

It is important that you present a PLAN to your WS for recovery. The next step is to lead your marriage out of the ditch.

First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair.


Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

Please don't put much confidence in the fact that you blocked numbers the OW could call from. That doesn't mean much at all. She can use a friend's phone to call. She can use a different work phone. She can use a pay phone. She can use a pre-paid phone. She can use the desk phone at the library, grocery, drugmart, etc.

I know you really want to believe that your husband is going to make great choices. But your husband is still an addict and isn't capable of making decent choices. Again, I'm not trying to be mean or harsh, but this is the new reality for you. I'm sorry.

I know you want to believe the OW is chasing him .....but he has given her something to chase, and he has been chasing too.

Or, maybe he didn't write it because...he is still in a relationship with her. I'm just guessing too...

I definately dont put much faith in the blocked numbers, that for sure. There are other ways to make contact, fully aware of it. I will be looking for a prepaid phone this weekend.

Its possible they are still in a relationship and I haven't ruled that out either. Its been 3 weeks since he last saw her and less than a week since she last sent a text.

We've been over items 1-6.

Except for the telephone booth on the corner. Or her third cousin's girlfriend's mom's phone, etc etc...

Blocking won't work when they use a random phone. I'm sorry if I missed it, but why have you not required him to change his number entirely?

If these people aren't married, it's not adultery. What has happened with you is much, much worse than middle-aged people with multiple girlfriends or boyfriends.

Bliss,

Helen says that her WH said OW will just get his number off his work vehicle.

So his excuses are because of cost and inconvenience. We have been trying to explain to Helen his weak excuses are ways for him to keep the affair alive and cracks for communication.

He also won't write the NC letter, because he "blocked" her number.

First off, I want to sincerely thank everyone for all of your advice and guidance!

Just an update- Things are going quite well, he's changed and is more affectionate, helpful, and thoughtful now. We went on a week vacation and midway thru I started to see the changes.

For now, I'm still checking everything and he tells me his exact schedule, calls in between errands, and is communicating a lot more. I think it will be awhile before I fully trust him but it seems like we are off to a good start. I finished reading the book and we still have some work to do. We're spending at least 15 hrs a week of quality time together, this weekend we are making christmas decorations, decorating the house, and have a date night.

I'm still a bit guarded in case this is a false recovery or if I'm being gaslighted, I've read both articles posted and they were helpful:) I still have questions but if I continue to ask, am I making us go backwards? Should I just accept that I may not get the answers? I realize I need to move on at some point for both of our sakes. Some things he just doesnt remember, particularly when it comes to dates of when this or that started or occured but he's always been like that with everything.

Also, I did expose the affair to his former employee. I was a bit nervous but it went exceptionally well and the boss was very understanding and sympathetic. Honestly, it felt good to do it, to make that step that was needed and recommended by all.

If you have questions, you need to ask all of them and then never talk about the affair again.

Did he ever write and send the NC letter?

He sent a text stating it was over and not to ever contact him again. No, he never wrote a formal letter to mail like the one mentioned in the forums. I'm thinking she's been told its over, I've texted her as well. The last text was 11/6 from her and nothing since unless there is a second phone which I cannot find so there may or may not be one. My thinking is that he told her, albeit not in the format suggested, but none the less she has been told. I'm also thinking that by doing so might restart the withdrawal period as is mentioned in the book. The vacation helped with the withdrawal as well, that was recommended by the book.I think he might nearing the end of it based upon his attentiveness and the change in him. My plan was if there was another contact by her or even him, to have him immediately write it and send it. Just seems, key word seems, like we've moved past that stage. What do you think? I'm just afraid of going backwards to be quite honest.