The best test for determining if what you are doing is appropriate is to ASK YOUR SPOUSE.

And why do you say the OM is christian? He is carrying on a secret relationship with you, a MARRIED WOMAN. Does he go to church every Sunday and call himself a christian? If so, can I go stand in my garage and call myself a car? Neither would be true.

You're on MARRIAGE BUILDERS website. It looks to me that you are looking for a CHEATERS JUSTIFICATION website. Break off contact and work on your marriage OR get out of your marriage THEN you can date. You cannot be trying to save your marriage while having your needs met by the OM.

*puke* Do your kids know you are having an affair with some loser? I agree with the others that your husband deserves to know the truth so he can protect himself and his kids from this predator. What you are doing to your husband is cruel, selfish and manipulative. You are destroying your children's family just so you can chase some scumbag.

Are you prepared to explain to your children what you have done to their family? Can you look them in the face and explain what you have done? Because they will find out.

You need to be honest with your husband and your children. Send that scumbag a no contact letter and tell him to hit the road. Then send your husband here and we can help you turn your marriage into a great marriage.

Sorry, Lost, but I have to gently call "B.S." on this assertion of yours. I don't believe your husband actually says this. Or at least, if he does say that he's very happily married, I don't believe he would say it if he truly knew the extent of your emotional investment in this other man.

Can you honestly tell yourself (never mind us strangers on an internet forum) that you've been honest with your husband in this regard? Has he seen all of your correspondence with the other man? Have you allowed your husband to know the full story? I think not. I think you have been denying your husband the sull scope of information that might help him to realize the peril in which his marriage actually stands. You can try to lie to me here if you like, but at least be honest with yourself. It might put you on a better track going forward.


Lost, I'm speaking to you as a Christian man -- a married Christian man, who happened to get into an affair just over 4 years ago with a (also married) Christian woman. So before you judge me as just a judger, know that I've walked in your shoes a bit. Now please listen up:

One of the most remarkable things with waywards (as I once was) is how we seem to actually believe our own bullcrap. Stick with me, hear me out:

I'm still a Christian, but I've been done with the affair for almost 4 years, and my marriage has been saved & made better than it was before the affair. That required some changes on my wife's part, but it also required major changes on my part.

For starters, my marriage never could've been saved had I remained in contact with the other woman. This wasn't because she was so great (she wasn't) or better than my wife (she actually wasn't), but rather because as long as she was in the picture, I wasn't all-in on my marriage. Mental energy, brain-space, communication, emotional openness, all of which I could've been investing in my wife, I was instead dividing between her & OW. In short, it was a half-assed effort that I was giving -- just like you're giving a half-assed effort to your marriage, as you've been doing ever since you let this other guy into the picture. To wit:

- When you're communicating with this other guy, are you communicating with your husband? No.
- When you're thinking of him, pining to spend time with him, are you thinking of ways to spend time with your husband? No.
- When you're trying to make sure your relationship with the other guy stays hidden from your husband, are you investing in meeting your husband's needs or in communicating honestly about your own? No.

So why are you giving a half-assed effort and pretending to expect any other than a half-assed result in your marriage? A football team that "mails it in" during practice on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday & Saturday isn't going to play well on Sunday. A ballet dancer who gives half-hearted efforts in rehearsal is going to be a lackluster performer when the stage lights come on. It's no different with a marriage.

You're kidding yourself -- but not us -- if you say you've been giving a respectable effort but at the same time have been mentally retaining another man as your emotional safety net. You've been hedging your bets for a long time. You aren't all-in on your marriage, and haven't been for as long as you've been in this improper relationship. It's no wonder to anyone except you, yourself, that your marriage isn't what you say you want it to be.

Lastly, re: your reference to the other man being a "wonderful Christian man" -- if I were you, I'd drop this line of pseudo-reasoning from your vocabulary & thought process altogether.

First of all, the lies & deceipt that you're maintaining with respect to your husband are way out of sync with any notion of practicing Christianity as described in Scripture. Nowhere did Christ, or the God of whom He's part, counsel us to lie & deceive our mates, or our neighbors. You know this already -- you don't need me to tell you. Yes, I remember from when I was wayward -- it seems easier (short-term) to ignore the contradiction than to face it & change our conduct, doesn't it? Well, that works for a time, but it's a short time, and then there'll come a time when you have to face the contradiction & make choices. Either you're a Christian, or you're an (emotional or physical) adultress. There'll quickly come a point in time at which you can't be both.

Second, no "Christian" man deserving of the term would remain in any sort of communication with, or convey an expression of romantic love for, another man's wife. The proper Christian response to finding out that you're married would've been to wish you well in terms containing no romantic overtones nor flattery nor wishes for what might've been, and then to sever all contact permanently. Your emotional affair-partner may have paid lip-service to Christian doctrine, but he does not really respect the practice of it, or else he'd have cut you out of the picture unequivocally, such that you'd have little basis on which to pine for his attention.

In sum, at this moment, you do not really respect Christian doctrine or practice; you've kept the habit of lip-service to it, and maybe that's because you see something there worth hanging onto; but for the time being, it's pretty unseemly for you to weave Christianity, or the label thereof, into your speech or into your own thoughts as a verbal or mental facade to rationalize or justify your mindset & actions. For you to do so with others (even strangers on an internet forum) is actually kind of offensive to Christians who take seriously the concepts of marital fidelity or honesty. For you to do so with yourself is self-defeating. You can take a dog-turd from the yard and call it a "Christian Yard-Apple", but it's still going to be a dog-turd & it's still gonna smell like something that plopped out of a dog's butt.

If you want to be able to say you gave your marriage an honest shot, then what you need to do is:
-- fess up to your husband regarding the full extent of your relationship with & feelings for this other man;
-- write a permanent no-contact letter to the other man (that your husband sees & approves of), send it by means such that your husband can verify receipt -- yes, close the door that you've kept propper open for this other man;
-- and take steps (changing phone & e-mail numbers, giving your husband access to all of your accounts & passwords) so that the other man can't contact you any longer.

In sum: go all-in on your marriage & stop hedging your bets.

This story sounds very familiar. Have you posted here months ago by a different name ?? Didn't you meet this fellow on some Christian online service and lead him to believe you were not married ???

(Brainy, do you remember) ?

I was waiting to post, but Glove just hit every topic I had in mind. Your wayward mind has you believing your own BS. I have been where your husband is now, and let me tell you it sucks. He is comfortable, bc you told him ( lied ) tht you were not communicating with the OM. If you want to stay married, come clean now. Stop communicating, set up EP, and send your husband here.

You are the cause of the problems today. The past issues will come up, but those are your excuses, Not justification for your actions!!

Stop hiding behind your Christian blanket. Christ can forgive all, but not until you ask and stop sinning. That's the first step.

I don't think my words will ever be as wise and Glove Oils and some of the vets on here. I felt compelled to respond to you though because I used to have your foggy mind. You will not be happier with this "other man". We all want what we don't have and the grass always looks green on the other side, until you get to the other side. Have you ever asked yourself why the OM is divorced?

The game you are playing is NOT fair. There is no way you can ever invest yourself to your marriage if you are not all there. In addition, your marriage is full of lies (you are lying to your H right now). Please, listen to the wise ones on this site. I was just like you and was looking at my marriage as a waste. I almost threw it all away for an OM who I thought was amazing but now I see was not any more amazing than the man I already had.

If you have not had a marriage that has made you feel complete, it is not too late to step it up. Be honest with yourself and your H and figure out how to make your marriage the best it has ever been. This cannot start however until you be honest with yourself and your Husband, get rid of this other man and start truly making your marriage a full one.

I have been in your shoes, and I, too, had your foggy mind. Dear one, you are trading one set of problems for a far more complicated set of problems.

In the end, you can never feel right by doing something wrong. Yes, it may feel right for a while but the sweet honey you think you are feasting on is really arsenic.

You ask what to do. Follow the advice given to you here. For starters:
1. End it with this OM.
2. Tell your husband what you have done. Tell the whole truth.
3. Write OM a No Contact letter

I am still looking.

Glove Oil, you've nailed it in the head. I need to read your advice every day. Thank you!

Is this you?

Adeaton's Thread

Just read the other thread. It's got to be the same person. Lost if it is you, I suggest going back and reading your previous thread along with this one. You will see that the advice has not changed.

Thank you Brainy. This is exactly the thread I was thinking of. You should be a detective or a librarian.

NG teases me saying I'm really a librarian. Yes, like the character Evelyn (Rachel Weisz) in The Mummy.

Actually FindingFreedom, you remembered and flagged it. I just researched.

Dear Lost,

Are you still here ?

Please listen to us. You are a Christian woman. I ask you the same question I asked myself many months ago: Why would you want something that you know God would NEVER want for you ?

You are blind to the fact that you are raising your hand to willingly volunteer to ruin your life. You are jumping up and down saying, "Pick me ! Pick me !" You are running to the front of the line. Sad thing is, you are dragging innocent people along with you, trampling them in your pursuit of happiness.

There are no happy endings to this story, Lost. Believe me. I know. My husband knows. My kids know.

Your addiction is blinding you. Your addiction is causing lies to look like truth to you. You CAN break FREE.

FF put it very eloquently and to the point. WS need to know there is nothing godly in breaking marriage vows. People always swear they follow the bible but read between the lines to justify LUST. Plain and simple. If I come off harsh I don't apologize. Your kids deserve better from you as we'll as your BS. People make mistakes as you are it's what they do after the mistakes that defines one gaining wisdom. Stop your pursuit of this morally corrupted individual and put that energy back into your marriage! You will see fruit and love in return for your efforts. Ill say end this on a positive note! You have good advice here! Read all Dr. Hs books and apply them to your marriage!