Married 15 years. Lived together 23. 3 children 14,10 and 9. 10 months of marriage counseling. I have been reading these boards for a few months. I have seen an attorney to understand my rights. I want this marriage to work!!!
I am very involved with a recovery program for 12 years and have a lot of friends, family, church and recovery support.
I see an individual therapist and am working on medication for ADHD that was diaganosed years ago. I never took medication until this last month. I believe that some of these symptoms have taken a toll on our marriage.

Here is my (long) but shortened story :

He showed increasing unhappiness in the last 2 years. He rarely takes any responsibilty for our marriage problems. It is always me and how I was brought up in a disfuctional home. I made lots of changes (fighting style, trust issues etc,,,) in my behavior per his request.I also benefited by some of these changes. He continued to remain unhappy. He has an inappropriate relationship with his ex-female boss. She has since filed for divorce. I did a lot of snooping in the last 2 years and though found they communicated ALOT.... however, I never saw anything sexual or anything very personal discussed. He says they are just good friends . But does not show any interest when I ask him to stop communicating with her saying they are friends and he is doing nothing wrong! He said that he still loves me and just needs a break. So in August he started staying at his aunts home a few miles away. He was always stopping by, attending family functions and parties with us. Calling and texting me all the time. Says he does not want a divorce. But not committing to making the marriage work. He says he is very confused. He says we are two different people and that he can't deal with the differences anymore. Very pleasant to be around. I allowed him to come whenever he wanted and tried to act like the wife he wanted to come home too. Every once in awhile I would be assertive or take steps to walk away and he would either get upset or try to come closer to me without making any commitment. He is very laid back and I am very high strung. He sort of lets things happen as they come. It is no secret to anyone that knows us that I was always taking care of home, bills, shopping, kids and he just played with the kids and worked. Occasionally working on projects but it has been a long awhile. I also have my own business. Last month he rented a little house that is month to month and fully furnished. We both agreed not to make a rental commitment and he did not want to take anything out of the house. However, this rental has made a real strain on our finances. We also discussed more settled visitation. Last week I finally took a stand and sent him this email in response to more visitation.
HI!
Yeah!! I am in agreement with most of your proposal! I am glad we came up with a suitable schedule for you and I to see the kids. I am sensitive to the fact that it would be difficult for you not to see each other for that length of time.
Then here is a plan:
Every other Monday starting November 19th. (You need to get *edit* to and from girl scouts from 6-8. )
Every Wednesday starting November 7th.
Every other weekend, 1 night for now would be best for them I think. What about Saturday nights? Saturday lunch (noon) until Sunday early evening (5pm). Specific times please??
I am hoping the kids can continue coming to church when they are with you.
Do you want to have them until 830 on days you have them? This is really cutting it close to bedtime..... Can you get them earlier on weeknights so you can have more time with them? Is 6pm the earliest you want to schedule to get them, because of work? LMK!
I will have them ready at 6pm on the dot to come and meet you. I will leave the mail for you in the mailbox so the kids don�t have to deal with passing things back and forth.
Do I need to feed them on weekday nights, since you have your own place I figure you can feed them dinner?
If they do not want to go with you on a particular night I will have them contact you directly.....if that happens I will wait to hear from you that day. I will not get involved with this and they are more than aware that I am in support of your time together. However with *edit* , I will not be able to take care of them on your nights as I will be scheduling other plans and will not cancel unless the kids are sick.
Have fun with the kids for the thanksgiving weekend, I would appreciate if you pick them up on Friday morning by 10am please. Enjoy them until Sunday or Monday (they do not have school Monday.)
Please just let me know by next Friday which day your mom can bring them home. I have not shared it with the kids yet but I am going to Florida the 23rd thru 27th. My mom will be staying at the house with the kids and puppy.
I will let you speak to *edit* about shopping with *edit*.
Can you please tell the kids the plan for thanksgiving weekend.
I would appreciate you discussing these visitation details with the kids this weekend..... I will make a calendar and put it up in the kitchen on Sunday.
I would like your new address so I know where the kids are when they are not with me.
Please get back to me on the questions above.

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Ok, well we seem to finally have everything settled with visitation, temporary finances, kids, your home, thanksgiving holiday, heat pump etc.. at least for a little while.
Now, I am asking for you and I to stop communicating unless it is imperative. There is also no need for any face to face contact. If you need anything from the house text me and I will leave it for you in the mailbox or on the front porch chair. I understand that you feel comfortable coming into the house when we are here or not. But until we have decided which direction we are going, I am no longer comfortable. Please respect my space and privacy.
I understand that we had talked briefly about having a Sunday night family dinner however the next two Sundays we are unavailable. Then it is Thanksgiving.
It would be nice to think about us all getting together for dinner in December. At that time we can go over finances and holiday gifts.
Can you please drop the kids off by 5PM this Sunday as I forgot we are going to *edit* for dinner and work on the church bazaar.
Thanks. Enjoy your birthday and have a good weekend with your family.



Last night he dropped off his house key and this is the response I got this morning.

1. Weekend times - yes, noon on Saturday til 5 on Sunday works good for now. At some point the kids want to come Friday night too, I will certainly welcome them.

2. Weekdays - 530 until 8. And I will feed them dinner.

3. Thanksgiving weekend - *edit* says she wants to go shopping, therefore we need to leave now late Thursday night. probably leave by 8 p.m. at the latest. I will discuss with my mom when she wants to come back, Sunday or Monday. Will let you know by Friday.

4. I'm certainly okay with the gas furnace. please let me know questions that come up.

5. I live a couple of miles from *edit* off of route *edit*. The kids will be fine. I'm sure that some point we can all have dinner or something, in the meantime, please respect my privacy.

As for my house key, actually, I am really not that comfortable coming into house, so please refrain from deciding how I feel about that. I left my key, so you don't have to worry about your privacy, and the possibility of me coming and going. I will let you know if I need something. Also, I would prefer not using the mailbox, you can give it to the kids, or leave it on the chair.

I could really use some advice on what to do know? 180?? Help!

Welcome to MB, Amya.

Could you put your question in a nutshell? I tried to read the emails but they are hard to follow, and don't really state what the problem is. Are you looking for a solution to problems over visitation? What is the problem with it?

Have you point blank asked him if he is seeing someone else? All his actions and statements make me think that there is a very strong possibility that he has already started a relationship with another woman. I sincerely hope I am wrong but I think you need to push on this issue. As for what you should do I'm not sure what you can do if neither of you want to talk or have face to face interaction. I'd say you need to have a serious conversation about what your goals are. Do you want a divorce or to fix your marriage? What does he want?

Sorry, I did not make myself clear. I am just lost as to what direction to go. I want to work on the marriage but he is not. I have asked him if he is with the other woman and he clearly says no. Says that he is tired of me not trusting him. However, he has changed passwords, put security screens on his phone etc... he is always on facebook messaging etc. He wont end his friendship with the former boss. (I have never asked him in 23 years to end a friendship) In the last year all I have done is consistantly just ask "what can we do to make this better." "What do you need..." Now I stopped a few weeks ago. He says we are so different. I ask him if this move is perminant and he says he does not know. He tells me he is lonely, no one calls him etc... blah blah blah.

I'm sorry but this is horrible advice. A wayward husband (WH) is almost categorically never going to admit to an affair; an affair thrives on secrecy and deception. AMYA, based on your latest post, it appears that your H has something to hide and therefore you should snoop like crazy. I'm sorry to say he is likely cheating on you regardless of what he has told you. The fact that he doesn't want you to know where he is living is a key hint that he wants to continue his affair in complete privacy without you driving by to snoop on whether or not he has the other woman (OW) over.

I agree with tc you need to snoop and find out what he is up to.

Is he still at home?

I would put a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his phone.

The problem is that he is having an affair. You can uncover this very quickly if you hire a PI. Don't ask him [dumb advice, better2gether!], just quietly do some sleuthing and get the goods. Once you have the evidence, we can help you with next steps. I suspect the affair has been going on for some time, though, so this will not be easy to bust up. There is a chance, though, if you get the evidence and come back here for next steps. I am sorry.

'

This is terrible advice.

He got a month to month rental. I do not have any access to his computer or cell phone anymore.

Can you hire a PI?