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OKay, where i begin... My wife and i have been together for 7 years, 3 yrs married. im 28 shes 24. we have had our problems, where she tells me i need to be more intimate and we need more sex, I have a low libido natural and her's is high.. anyway, she got a new job.. there's a guy at her work that payed her alot of attention, he flirted and she flirted back. One day he invited her over to hang out ( i have no issue with her having guy friends ) Well she went over, they had wine.. and eventually told him her and i have small problems. With her being intoxicated and vulnerable he made his move and kissed her, she said she knew that something may happen if she went cause she was attracted to him cause he gave her attention, and knew he liked him, and she did lead him on, however she kissed him back, she said she did not stop right away, cause he did what she was missing from me, she told me immediately what happened and she was crying, being actually remorseful, saying how disgusted she is, and how she cannot believe she did that. She wants to work things out stay married and wants us to forget her mistake as it should not have happened. My issue is trust, forgiving and forgetting.. She still works with this person, they are alone together for the first 30 minutes at work before people arrive. I do not trust him as she he knew she was married, I did speak with him he did apoligize to m and said he was drunk and it was all in the moment, but i do not believe him, I told hih to have no contact with her unless its work related and he said he agrees, again i do not believe him. I do not know what my wife is doing when she is at work, how do i trust her again, is it worth trying to get over this, or once a cheater always a cheater ? What do I do.. I feel unloved tossed to the side, even with marital problems, no one should cheat. I really need everyones advice on what my options are and anyone who has had something like this happen.
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Your wife should quit her job ASAP and never see him again. She also needs to shore up her sloppy boundaries with men. Married women should not be hanging out with other men and getting drunk.  They both knew what they were doing and didn't care. I would also not believe that more than a kiss didn't go on. You have reason not to trust her...and shouldn't. Welcome to MB.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Nov 2012
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i know more than that did not happen, as i am 100% positive she was on her monthly gift... so based on just that, its more the betrayal and selfishness on her part that makes me angry
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i know more than that did not happen, as i am 100% positive she was on her monthly gift... so based on just that, its more the betrayal and selfishness on her part that makes me angry There is a VERY good chance they are having sex. Sorry Rob.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Hi R, I'm not vet, but here is a link to get you started (if I did it correctly) It's about opposite sex friends. If I didi'nt get the link right, hopefully BH will come along and find the right one! You should be VERY leary of opposite sex friends. They are a threat to your marriage, especially when ENs are met. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html
BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3
Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.
Col. 2:8 (NLT)
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i know more than that did not happen, as i am 100% positive she was on her monthly gift... That is not a sign of a guarantee, rob...and there are more sexual acts to choose from. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but I would not believe no sex occurred just because she was on her period. Have there been other occasions outside of work, where WW was with OM or that her time is unaccountable?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Nov 2012
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no nothing, she always tells me where she goes, and has some sort of physical proof. Thats why i believe what she said, she always tells me the truth from day one.. she told me everything that happened.. but based on what i wrote with out making assumptions..and taking that as the only truth.. what do you suggest ?
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How do you know a wayward is lying?
Their lips are moving.
I suggest you do not believe a word out of her mouth.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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no nothing, she always tells me where she goes, and has some sort of physical proof. Thats why i believe what she said, she always tells me the truth from day one.. she told me everything that happened.. but based on what i wrote with out making assumptions..and taking that as the only truth.. what do you suggest ? Let her prove her honesty with a poly...right after she quits her job and commits to NC for LIFE with OM. Including a handwritten NC letter approved by you and given to you to send.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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no nothing, she always tells me where she goes, and has some sort of physical proof. Thats why i believe what she said, she always tells me the truth from day one.. she told me everything that happened.. but based on what i wrote with out making assumptions..and taking that as the only truth.. what do you suggest ? First, she has to quit her job and go NC with OM. Does OM have a gf or wife?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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well i was looking for advice, but seems that all this is, is people who have been hurt and just jump to assumptions, as every story is different. Sucks what happened to you guys, but your level of paranoia is evident.
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Rob,
The steps to recovery after an affair (either an emotional affair or a physical affair) are the same. The WS needs to commit to no contact with the other person for life. This means your wife needs to quit her job and never see or speak to this man again.
Is this man married? Does he have a girlfriend? If so, his wife/girlfriend needs to know what is happening.
And Rob, I'm sorry to tell you that after reading hundreds of stories here for the past few years, I haven't seen much difference in the stories. Affairs are all pretty much the same. Those experienced posters above have seen the same.
Get and read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair". It is the best book available about affairs, why they happen, how to stop them and most importantly, how to recover the marriage into one of love and passion.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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You are fine with WW and OM continuing to working together? That's not what I read. If you don't require NC then you might as well file for D or get used to OM and WW hooking up.
Last edited by black_raven; 11/13/12 04:48 PM.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
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well i was looking for advice, but seems that all this is, is people who have been hurt and just jump to assumptions, as every story is different. Sucks what happened to you guys, but your level of paranoia is evident. Rob. Your wife went over to another guy's place, got drunk and then physical with him.  You can call us paranoid if you like. I could say that you are in denial. she told me immediately what happened and she was crying, being actually remorseful, saying how disgusted she is, and how she cannot believe she did that. We can help you affair proof your marriage and restore the trust and love...but you have to pick up the tools and use them. Why would you as a loving husband allow your wife to continue to work with this scum? How is that showing her care and protection?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Hi, Rob. Welcome to Marriage Builders.
The funny thing about saying "Every situation is different" is that everybody says that here. At first.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Rob,
Let me tell you a story about a wife and husband. One that I thought was very unique. Wife and husband are married 15 years. The wife begins working with another male co-worker. They get along great. Wife sees no problem working with him because she is friends with his wife and her H knows him well.
Wife and coworker begin spending a lot of time together. Wife keeps trying to tell herself that she would never hurt her husband. Wife is very honest with husband up to this point. In fact, wife tells husband where she is at all times. Sometimes though she is with coworker, but she leaves that part out. She also goes out of her way to prove to her husband that she is being good, when deep down inside she is up to no good...even when her monthly present arrives (wife actually used that as a defense one time after a really bad deed).
Wife is not happy about what she is doing but she is stuck and living in a fantasy world (we call it cake eating on this site). Seeing her co-worker every day makes it IMPOSSIBLE to end what has begun even if she knows her husband and children will be hurt beyond words.
Husband COMPLETELY TRUST wife. To the point that he is totally floored when he finds out that his wife has been having a full blown out affair with coworker and it has been going on for three months without him even having a clue.
Sound vaguely familiar? If not, read up on this site. I am 100% positive that you will find a story that mirrors your own. It is NOT SAFE for your wife to work with another man, especially one she is attracted to. This is a death sentence for your marriage.
I would rather be paraniod than in denial. I would not call the people on this site paraniod but rather very EDUCATED on affairs, please listen to them and let them TEACH you how to save your marriage.
Last edited by fifteenyears; 11/13/12 06:57 PM.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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well i was looking for advice, but seems that all this is, is people who have been hurt and just jump to assumptions, as every story is different. Sucks what happened to you guys, but your level of paranoia is evident. I am so sorry about what is happening TO YOU right now behind your back.  I fear that disappointment and shock will be your lot in life when you find out your wife is having an affair with this guy. We will be here to help when you wake up.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Rob,
If the conditions in your Marriage and habits of your WW that allowed this affair to happen do not change be prepared for a lifetime of distrust and doubt.
Nobody here is out to get you, everyone posts of their own unpaid free choice, ill intended posters don't hang around long.
One of the less obvious concepts is that an affair is an addiction, and the addict is very often quite good at hiding it.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 11/13/12 07:26 PM.
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( i have no issue with her having guy friends ) Are you kidding? WHY would you be okay with your wife having guy friends who aren't YOUR friends??? Stop this nonsense NOW. No more guy friends. She still works with this person, they are alone together for the first 30 minutes at work before people arrive. She needs to leave that job. Today. Yesterday. Your marriage is in danger until they are apart. Is this guy married?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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well i was looking for advice, but seems that all this is, is people who have been hurt and just jump to assumptions, as every story is different. Sucks what happened to you guys, but your level of paranoia is evident. Do you think maybe YOU should have been just a tad more 'paranoid'? You've come to us with a problem - we didn't seek you out. We've got tools here to help you - do you want them, or not?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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