My apologies to whomever reads this as it is quite disjointed.
I quit flying as a flight attendant (at 40) when we had our only child. H is an airline pilot. On one of his layovers (in 2010) he met his unmarried brother for dinner and took two of the flight attendants from his crew with him - ostensibly to set his brother up with one or the other...I wasn't informed of this until afterwards. Let's just say I wasn't happy about it.
The dinner provided no love match for his brother but H started an extremely flirtatious Facebook conversation with one of the stews. For example: He'd say "I'm laying over in Cabo tonight. You?" To make a long story short, I told him that the relationship was completely inappropriate for a married man and insisted he break off contact with her. It appeared that he did although it could have been going on some other way...I have no evidence of further contact until...
Two years later and now the airline posts the crews names to your home calendar so that you know who you're flying with for each trip.
I was not paying attention to that (not suspicious of him at the time) and he saw that he was flying with this woman again. Two days before the trip he started texting her for hours at a time, even texting her as soon as his plane landed at their mutual layover city after he'd parked at the gate. Pretty excited!
(He knew she was on same layover with him as she was working his trip out in the morning after the layover, so she showed up on the crew list for that flight.) On that layover they went out to dinner with the rest of the crew, had a few cocktails and ended up having a make out session in the hallway of the hotel between their two rooms. (I even got to see a remnant text about how he was blinded by her *cough* charms!)

H got Line2 app to use on his iPhone in order to text and call her without my knowing...spent June-August pursuing this woman like a love sick school boy. According to both of them, they only ran into each other one time at the airport after this and everything else was over the phone or texting..

I know I'm leaving a lot of the story out but this is my problem right now. We've been working with Steve and H stopped all contact with her when I discovered the affair the first week of August. It's been difficult as H is a tech genius and I cannot begin to patrol his activities without him finding a way around it.
Right now we're working on a protection plan and what to do when he runs into her at work. My initial reaction was that if we knew ahead of time that she was working the same trip with him and that they would be laying over together in the same city/hotel that he would have to call in sick as I could not trust him over time to not give in to this attraction again. H is completely against this because sick pay is not the same as the pay you get to work your trip; it has to be made up and it takes it out of the sick bank for when you might need it.

I understand that, but I think this is important enough and not bloody likely to happen with any frequency anyway.

The only other time he's flown with her was the day after I found pictures she'd sent him of herself in lingerie. That was around the first week of Sept. (She's had MAJOR breast augmentation. I'd say she's at least a DDD.) It's over the top.
I guess that's what blinded him! I had her phone number and called her to let her know I did not appreciate what she'd shared with my H. These pictures were discovered after we'd started to work on the marriage. H thought he'd deleted them. I stumbled upon them accidentally through Adobe Bridge where the files were still sitting, undeleted.

It pissed me off that he had not come clean like he was supposed to and was hiding stuff that showed how much more was going on between them. She claimed that she only meant to send a picture of herself in a blazer-which was there in the group of pictures. She said she mistakenly sent a whole picture file folder instead of one jpeg....whatever! She was called out on a trip the next day and guess who was the Capt on her flight? My H. He knew I'd called her the day before about the picture files and was furious with me. Amazing, isn't it? I was polite to her and on the trip she told him I sounded like a lovely woman...She asked him if I was going to try and get her fired. He told her no. Not only was I NOT interested in retribution against her, I don't think I could get her in trouble if I wanted to...My H was the problem, not her.
I know he was doing almost all of the pursuing of this woman and she was enjoying the attention he was showering on her with his texts and phone calls. She is a divorced Mom whose ex is a drug addict. I digress again!
There is always the chance that they will fly separate trips and end up on the same layover together. Multiple crews do go out to dinner, etc. So even if I push to have him call in sick on any trip scheduled to layover with her, there's no way to know in advance if he'll run into her. He states that any conversations that he has to have with her if she's on his flight will be of a professional nature only. Nothing personal.
Am I wasting my time insisting he refuse any possible future trip that shows her spending the night in the room down the hall? I'm trying to accomplish this through POJA, but our brainstorming hasn't satisfied both of us yet. Does anyone else have experience with wayward spouses who travel? H is gone about 18 days a month flying/commuting to his base and it takes a tole just having him gone from home so much. Thanks in advance for any wisdom!

Welcome to MB.

Have you discussed him getting another job or you flying with him?
Traveling Jobs

Hi Kanalass, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. The basic issue is that your husband has a traveling job. That is what has led to your husband's affair. Until that changes you will be dealing with affairs. If you are working with Steve Harley then you already know recovery is impossible under these conditions. Sorry.

IF you are interested in saving your marriage he will have to find a job where he no longer travels. And he most certainly will have to NEVER see the OW again. Every time he sees her puts him back to day one of withdrawal. It is like a recovering alcoholic taking another drink.

Have you exposed the affair to everyone?

FYI, the policy of joint agreement does not and never has applied to seeing an affair partner or any of the other extraordinary precautions that are necessary to protect a marriage from an affair. This is an absolute misuse of the POJA. Ending all contact for life and stopping the traveling is not negotiable.

Hi Melody thanks for the quick reply.
Steve has a good understanding of the airline profession and has never suggested that H quit. It takes decades to reach his pay position and in this economy, to quit and leave the family without that income would be beyond irresponsible.
I left out a lot of info as I'm trying to work on my question. I have complete access to all of his iOS devices. He has even allowed me to install software on our computer to track what can be tracked. Anyone could still go out and buy a disposable phone to subvert spyware, etc. I have all passwords, etc...there is always a chance that anyone can find a way around your firewalls...but he's been accommodating with the tech. I'm just saying there's only so much you can do these days as there is always a way around a wall. It wasn't a linear process by any means. I'll be back later to reply further.

Thanks for the reply B!

You don't walk away from a Capt position at this airline unless you have something amazing lined up somewhere else in some other decade's economy. I'd love to apply to go back to flying at H's company, but we have a teenage son and no relatives where we live who could hang with him on overnights. My flying days are done for now. Even if I was hired, it would be almost impossible to fly the same trips with our seniority disparity and I am still needed in my Mom job.
We're progressing as well as can be expected in this situation and check in with Steve about every two weeks. I just wanted to make sure I hadn't missed anything before I tell him that he'll have to call in sick if she's on his trip.

**H has applied for a position in the training department and with any luck, they will have a slot for him within six months. That will take him off the line for most of the year and he'll be home every night.***

**H has applied for a position in the training department and with any luck, they will have a slot for him within six months. That will take him off the line for most of the year and he'll be home every night.***

I have complete access to all of his iOS devices. He has even allowed me to install software on our computer to track what can be tracked.

He's toying with you as does a cat with a mouse.

One newly-purchased mini-tablet, a ymail, gmail, or hotmail id, and a wifi location (like an AIRPORT, for chrissakes!), and WH is back in touch with Skanky BigTop entirely out of your awareness.

You asked, "What is required to ensure WH can't hook up with his piece?" You were given the best answers we have to give. You have decided to sell your marital quality and personal piece of mind for your WH's Captain's salary, so rejected the offering.

OK, enjoy the perks of his pay-grade.

Kanlass, the problem is that your marriage will never survive unless he leaves the job. I wasn't suggesting that he quit tomorrow but that he get into something else as soon as possible. He can also take a leave of absence while he finds something else. He can go to his Human Resource department and tell them about his affair and ask them for solutions. Others have done this with great results.

The traveling job is what led to his affair so this will never be resolved unless he leaves it. I think you might have misunderstood Steve about that aspect because there is no hope unless that changes. All the tracking devices in the world will not turn this around because it misses the point. You and I both know he can still have an affair. Even the dumbest wayward can figure a way around that. They buy pre-paid cell phones, set up dummy email accounts, etc.

You won't have the benefit of that job anyway when you get divorced. And you are facing divorce right now. While he might not be able to quit the job until he gets something else lined up, it would be irresponsible to keep traveling when you already KNOW it will destroy your marriage.

I would just accept the consequences of your trade off and understand that you can't control that. Like you said, they could still hook up even though they are not on the same flights. I would just hope and pray the OW doesn't get pregnant because then you will be fighting her for child support. I am not trying to scare you but want to prepare you for a real possibility. Just go read the hundreds of such cases over on the Pregnancy forum where an affair produced a child.

Has his affair been exposed to your family, friends, and son?

I concur with Melody. As long as your H works for this particular airline and continues to have routes with nights apart, you will likely experience either an intensity of this affair or a string of other affairs.

My H's brother is a senior Capt with a major airline. He had an affair years ago and took a training job for many years. Now, he is back flying a route and is back into banging the stews. His wife, who is now in her 50's, left her career years ago and is now pretty much stuck with her husband's behavior.

Who else knows about this affair?

AM

It is obvious that he has poor boundaries and loose morals while on the job.
Bringing two bimbos to his brother to "hookup" with?
Even if the airline fires this particular woman and stones her to death, there are plenty of other big breasted women in his profession.

As for phone monitoring, my wife just went to the local store and bought an affair phone. Since he knows you are monitoring his devices he will probably just do that.

The conditions that made the affair possible must be removed. Those conditions are nights away from home. My great uncle was a bomber pilot. Alcoholism and adultery are rampant with pilots

Who all you told about his affair? Have you been STD tested?

Your WH will not be motivated to make the changes necessary to protect your M until it becomes more painful to continue his current course than to change.

The #1 broad spectrum that needs to be addressed in order to heal from an A is this: remove the conditions that made the A possible.

Perks? I don't think you're familiar with the current salaries of airline personnel in the United States. It takes years to earn a middle class salary. You can't quit and start over at another company without going on food stamps. The only reason I included H's occupation was due to the situation it put me in concerning the OW. We're not rich by any means.

We have financial obligations and a son and animals to take care of. Even if H and I don't make it as a couple, I'm not going anywhere until my son is out of the house and in school.

OW lives in another state and flies out of a different base. That's why they've only worked three trips together in over ten years. We could move anywhere in the world and she could fly to be with him if the affair was still going on. Quitting his job does not prevent her from going to him.

There are hundreds of couples who repair their marriages and carry on. I'm giving it a shot and I'm not stupid. ANYONE in any job can do the same things you're suggesting. They don't have to have an airline job to have affairs and buy cash phones, etc. They don't have to be gone overnight to have a quicky during lunch. We've gone over all of the ways to circumvent a spouse with Steve.

Dr. Harley says all conditions that allowed the affair must be eliminated.

So how are the conditions eliminated?

OK, I'm not figuring out yet how to reply so that it includes the prior comments. Help!

>>Bringing two bimbos to his brother to "hookup" with?<<
I'm not defending him but he was trying to set up his brother with a girlfriend, not a "hookup". Still, it wasn't appropriate.


>>Even if the airline fires this particular woman and stones her to death, there are plenty of other big breasted women in his profession.<< There are big breasted women everywhere.

>>Alcoholism and adultery are rampant with pilots<<

Really? I was a flight attendant for 20 years for two major companies...I would have to say that alcoholic commercial pilots are rare. I never once got on a plane and smelled alcohol on a pilot. I would have walked off the flight. It happens, but I don't think it's represented in greater numbers than the general population. Adultery, maybe more so due to propinquity although I don't have any numbers. I got hit on more by customers than pilots, but there were more of them.

>>As for phone monitoring, my wife just went to the local store and bought an affair phone. Since he knows you are monitoring his devices he will probably just do that.<<

He could buy an affair phone at any time. Anyone could. Not anything I haven't thought of before. Out of your control.

>>The conditions that made the affair possible must be removed. Those conditions are nights away from home. << That is being taken care of ASAP. Affairs can occur without leaving your home overnight...just makes it easier.

Kanalass, unfortunately, your marriage will never recover unless you change the conditions that led to the affair. That means leaving the traveling job and most especially, ending all contact for life with the OW. You don't understand that your choices are the job or your marriage. If you choose the job you will lose the marriage because recovery is impossible.

You don't have to believe us, though. You should believe Dr Harley, who will tell you this very thing. I hope you don't have to experience the loss of your marriage in order to believe us, but that is where you are headed right now.