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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
K
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K
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 360
Hi, I've been visiting the MB site for roughly 6 months, and I think I've learned enough MB principles to be dangerous, but not enough to be helpful. I feel that if I tried to help someone in a tough marital situation, I might botch things up and make them worse. So I'm asking for some advice on how to help someone else. And if you think I should stay out of their business and not try to help, I'd like to know that as well.

***A little background on how I'm connected to this situation***
(I'll use the names Peter and Patty for the couple of interest.)

Peter was the brother of my mom's now deceased 2nd husband. I haven't seen him in over 30 years, and he wasn't married then, but I remember him as a flamboyant character, liking fast cars, spending money, and chasing women. My sisters have seen him more recently and said he has the same twinkle in his eye that he's always had and the same flirty personality.

Peter introduced to me a woman I started dating recently, and one of her best friends is Patty, Peter's wife. Peter is 65, Patty is 56, and they've been married for 13 years, no children. My girlfriend and Patty speak on the phone often, and my girlfriend has expressed concern to me numerous times that Peter oversteps his boundarious around other women, even in Patty's presence, and she worries about infidelity on the part of Peter.

When my girlfriend tries to bring up the subject with Patty, Patty shuns the discussion and acts as if she doesn't want to hear it. My girlfriend thinks that if Patty felt she could be finanncially independent, she would take a stronger stance against Peter's indescretions; but because she does depend on him for her current lifestyle, she ignores a problem that she suspects exists.

***End of background***


Last night, my girlfriend described a phone call in which Patty opened up more than usual. Patty had to attend an out-of-state conference, and she found out in a prior phone call to Peter that Peter was taking a cute, 23-year old female office assistant out to dinner - while Patty was at the conference. This 23-year old has described to others that she has a crush on Peter.

When Patty voiced her objection, he ignored her and said there was nothing to worry about and nothing wrong with what he was doing. Obviously, Patty felt very hurt and disrespected.

I'm going to visit my girlfriend's home town next week for Thanksgiving and we have plans to meet with Peter and Patty. I have been looking forward to meeting them, 1) because I haven't seen Peter in a long time, and 2) because I'm interested to meet his wife Patty for the first time. After hearing about Peter's behavior, I have the urge to talk with him about it with the goal of presenting MB concepts regarding respect in marriage, but I feel unqualified and don't know how to approach the subject; which is why I'm asking for advice. I'm also wondering if there's any advice I can offer to Patty on how to deal with Peter.

Is this the kind of situation that an inexperienced person such as myself can help with? Or is it something that I should simply refer to more qualified people.

Even if I felt comfortable knowing how to address the problem, I don't know if I'll have the chance to speak with either Peter or Patty privately since we're likely to meet in the presence of many other people during holiday gatherings.

If you have specific advice for Patty, I can relay that to my girlfriend who can give it to Patty since they talk frequently.

Thanks for any thoughts you have on this situation.

Joined: Nov 2010
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted by KeepLearning
Hi, I've been visiting the MB site for roughly 6 months, and I think I've learned enough MB principles to be dangerous, but not enough to be helpful. I feel that if I tried to help someone in a tough marital situation, I might botch things up and make them worse. So I'm asking for some advice on how to help someone else. And if you think I should stay out of their business and not try to help, I'd like to know that as well.

***A little background on how I'm connected to this situation***
(I'll use the names Peter and Patty for the couple of interest.)

Peter was the brother of my mom's now deceased 2nd husband. I haven't seen him in over 30 years, and he wasn't married then, but I remember him as a flamboyant character, liking fast cars, spending money, and chasing women. My sisters have seen him more recently and said he has the same twinkle in his eye that he's always had and the same flirty personality.

Peter introduced to me a woman I started dating recently, and one of her best friends is Patty, Peter's wife. Peter is 65, Patty is 56, and they've been married for 13 years, no children. My girlfriend and Patty speak on the phone often, and my girlfriend has expressed concern to me numerous times that Peter oversteps his boundarious around other women, even in Patty's presence, and she worries about infidelity on the part of Peter.

When my girlfriend tries to bring up the subject with Patty, Patty shuns the discussion and acts as if she doesn't want to hear it. My girlfriend thinks that if Patty felt she could be finanncially independent, she would take a stronger stance against Peter's indescretions; but because she does depend on him for her current lifestyle, she ignores a problem that she suspects exists.

***End of background***


Last night, my girlfriend described a phone call in which Patty opened up more than usual. Patty had to attend an out-of-state conference, and she found out in a prior phone call to Peter that Peter was taking a cute, 23-year old female office assistant out to dinner - while Patty was at the conference. This 23-year old has described to others that she has a crush on Peter.

When Patty voiced her objection, he ignored her and said there was nothing to worry about and nothing wrong with what he was doing. Obviously, Patty felt very hurt and disrespected.

I'm going to visit my girlfriend's home town next week for Thanksgiving and we have plans to meet with Peter and Patty. I have been looking forward to meeting them, 1) because I haven't seen Peter in a long time, and 2) because I'm interested to meet his wife Patty for the first time. After hearing about Peter's behavior, I have the urge to talk with him about it with the goal of presenting MB concepts regarding respect in marriage, but I feel unqualified and don't know how to approach the subject; which is why I'm asking for advice. I'm also wondering if there's any advice I can offer to Patty on how to deal with Peter.

Is this the kind of situation that an inexperienced person such as myself can help with? Or is it something that I should simply refer to more qualified people.

Even if I felt comfortable knowing how to address the problem, I don't know if I'll have the chance to speak with either Peter or Patty privately since we're likely to meet in the presence of many other people during holiday gatherings.

If you have specific advice for Patty, I can relay that to my girlfriend who can give it to Patty since they talk frequently.

Thanks for any thoughts you have on this situation.
Will your GF come here so may help give advice? Also she may be able to send her some of Dr. H's material.

Better yet, will Patty come here?



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2005
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KL, I would suggest to have an open-ended conversation about what you have learned about the love bank, about how Buyers and Renters handle complaints in a marriage differently, about disrespectful judgments. And then be open to seeing where the conversation goes. I think it's really sad that Peter has gone down the path of telling Patty what she's supposed to be thinking and feeling, but having an outside person he respects to reason this through with may make the difference.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478
L
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478
I would say err on the side of not "educating" Peter. A couple of times in my sessions with SH he recounted times when he could see trouble in couples and tried to give them advice. That only managed to offend them. If they aren't asking for advice, they aren't ready to hear advice. Maybe the best thing is to show by example by how you and your gf treat each other and if perchance he brings up the subject of opposite sex friends you could state you don't agree with a short and simple reason why (without jargon, if possible). Like BrainHurts said, information about this program can be passed on to Patty from your gf and then it's up to Patty what she decides to do with it.


xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013

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