I really didn't think I'd be back here after finding out about her A last Xmas, counseling, and her filing for D. Last mont she came to my house during what I would call her hitting bottom, asking if there was any hope of reconciling. Told me she missed us, was sorry, on and on, crying and shaking uncontrollably. I comforted her and said there is always hope. I allowed her to move back in.

About a week of her being sweet and affectionate, which is my top priority, she's back to being very cold, won't touch me, told me quit kissing her while we were in bed one night, and now I'm back to being the nervous wreck I was when I first discovered the A.

She told me to make a list of the things I wanted from her. As I said, affection and physical touch are important to me and never really got that from her.....don't know if I ever will. Told me she didn't respect me because I wasn't strict enough with our boys, 20 and 16. I'm really afraid she took advantage of my kindness and compassion and now am begging for your advice. Help with making a list of things I can't think of right now. I feel stuck, stupid, confused and really believing she's here for something else besides saving our 22yr marriage.

Thanks to you all for your thoughts!
God Bless
T

Not having a plan is a plan to fail. I would sign up for the MB online program and work on restoring the romantic love to your marriage. She is not in love with you, but she can be if you do this program. You can't expect affection from a woman who is not in love with you.

You have to do this, recovery doesn't happen by magic. From Requirements for Recovery:

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance." http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2311122#Post2311122

The mistake was taking her back with no plan.

Yes indeed.....big mistake! I let my guard down. Ive got the feeling she will have little interest in mb though.

That would definitely be a deal breaker. If she won't take the necessary steps towards recovery, then there won't be a recovery. These steps should be non negotiable.

I'm starting to get the feeling that there is no hope. $1000 for the program is out of reach after a years worth of attorneys. Just the fact that she came and told me she wanted me back, then a week later is back to withholding affection of any kind is pretty much a deal breaker. I'm just tired of being tired!

Then, OUT SHE GOES. This is a deal-breaker, friend, if you want to save your marriage. Kindly help her pack her bags without comment. Wish her well.

Also please tell me because this bothers me daily. I can't get over her having no problem having intimate relations with another man, yet literally won't touch me. If she truly wanted me and start to heal our marriage.....wouldn't there be more than...well....no physical contact of any kind? Or am I crazy?

She is not in love. That is why. Sorry. She can BE in love with you again, but you have to use this program. It doesn't happen by fairy magic.

Melody is right. You have to follow the plan in SAA or you will end up right where you started. And I don't know about you but I would rather do anything than go through another affair.
You have 2 viable choices: divorce or working the SAA program. Which one do you choose?

TLA09,

Did you completely expose the OM so that you destroyed his desire for your WW? I ask this because if the OM left his door open to your WW she may oscillate between OM and yourself.

Did you expose your WW?

God Bless
Gamma

Yes....everyone was completely exposed. An attorney friend just told me now she's just coming back not for me, but to regain residency in our home.....quite devious and evil. She doesn't have any desire to reconcile and is probably still in contact with OM. She was going to have to pay child support since she left us and has no real job and just wanted a better deal. I've been completely had! Hope Schmope.

Is her name on the house? Have you changed the locks?

I've been in your shoes.
I suggest you email the radio show for advice.