Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
Together for 8 years, married for 2 years (just wedding ceremony, didn't legalize it) I thought I knew this guy, and today I learned that I never knew who he truly was..
We met in a graduate school, went through some tough times together, got good jobs that pays well. the problem was my job was in a different country. We got married as we felt it was a natural, right thing to do and started a long distance marriage. We both have flexible jobs, so we spent 4-5 months together.
When he visited me in March, he talked about us going seperate ways. I was shocked because I didn't see it coming although I knew we were growing apart emotinally recently. I immediately asked him if there was someone else. He denied it and I belived him. He held me back from me going to where our home was( where he lives)to spend summer there with him. I was all puzzled but waited with patience. When I could not take it any more and brought up the idea of me divorcing him, he freaked out and let me come home. So I went. Then, after a week later, he told me he really wanted to divorce me. I cried, and he tried to kick me out of his/our house to a hotel, but i asked him if I could stay in the guest bedroom. He let me, but went to a hotel saying that he could not deal with the aftermath. I later learned that the day his mistress told him to divorce me to prove he didn't use her for sex and he called her to his hotel room every night.
After three days, he took a Russian visitor in his department (later learned that she was the ow) to a nearby airport, and came back home saying that he could stay home now as he was feeling better. Then all the verbal and emotional abuse started...over the two months when I was sleeping in the guest bedroom, he blamed me for everything...even for him not having many friends was my fault. He couldn't decide if he'd come back to the country where i have a job to spend the remaining summer break(yes, he is a professor) working on our marriage. Just a week before my departure date, he decided to come with me, and I got happy and at the same time scared. Then, in the morning on the day we were supposed to leave, he told me he could not get on that airplane. He just said that. He looked like a mad man, i got devastated and scared but said "you are sick. Let me help you". That was when he said " there's another woman that entered my life".
He then got really cold toward me, insisted on taking me to the airport, and he would go to his hometown where his family lives to "protect" himself. I begged him to stay and offer me some explanation to make it real for me, and help me pack my stuff and ship to to my house. At the end he did, and I learned that he even moved in with his mistress before I came back, moved my clothes and pictures out of her sight. He said the only thing he regret was to tell me the truth on the d-day. I stayed in a hotel. The next two days, he was remorseful and even asked for my foregiveness. Then I came back to the country where i am now, and he called me several times for the first two weeks. Then, he didn't call me for a week. When I called him, he was cold. I asked he contacted her, and he said no. I stopped calling him as it was hurting me too much. A month later, we had to talk because of the project we were working on together. I asked him if he contacted her. This time, he said yes, but tried to sound like he talked her several times only. But, I later learned that he went to Russia to see her, and skype/talk to her everyday. So I had limited contact only through emails about our project together for the past two months.
Then today he asked me if I would share liability for the loan he took from his mom to buy my engagement ring, and otherwise if i would give the ring back to him. I could not belive it. I got furious, and expressed my feelings in emails to him. Then he said i was abusing him emotionally, he was acting with dignity, but i wasn't. I asked him what about $25,000 that I alone paid for the wedding ceremony. He didn't say anything about it but he said he wanted the ring because it was the most expensive thing he owns besides his car.
I knew that he was self-absorbed, but i didn't know he had serious narssistic personality disorder. I felt like my 8 years were a waste, and he took all the good memories away from me. I cried several times today.
I want to ask other people if he is "normal" to ask me pay for the engagement ring at this point because I just cannot comprehend how he could act like this without shame?
What happened to him? Or was I not seeing who he truly is for 8 years?

Thank you for letting me vent. I needed it today.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
How do you know he has a personality disorder? Was he diagnosed with one?
People having affairs show traits similar to various disorders but it is different.
Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley?

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: BlueFish
Together for 8 years, married for 2 years (just wedding ceremony, didn't legalize it) I thought I knew this guy, and today I learned that I never knew who he truly was..
We met in a graduate school, went through some tough times together, got good jobs that pays well. the problem was my job was in a different country. We got married as we felt it was a natural, right thing to do and started a long distance marriage. We both have flexible jobs, so we spent 4-5 months together.
When he visited me in March, he talked about us going seperate ways. I was shocked because I didn't see it coming although I knew we were growing apart emotinally recently. I immediately asked him if there was someone else. He denied it and I belived him. He held me back from me going to where our home was( where he lives)to spend summer there with him. I was all puzzled but waited with patience. When I could not take it any more and brought up the idea of me divorcing him, he freaked out and let me come home. So I went. Then, after a week later, he told me he really wanted to divorce me. I cried, and he tried to kick me out of his/our house to a hotel, but i asked him if I could stay in the guest bedroom. He let me, but went to a hotel saying that he could not deal with the aftermath. I later learned that the day his mistress told him to divorce me to prove he didn't use her for sex and he called her to his hotel room every night.
After three days, he took a Russian visitor in his department (later learned that she was the ow) to a nearby airport, and came back home saying that he could stay home now as he was feeling better. Then all the verbal and emotional abuse started...over the two months when I was sleeping in the guest bedroom, he blamed me for everything...even for him not having many friends was my fault. He couldn't decide if he'd come back to the country where i have a job to spend the remaining summer break(yes, he is a professor) working on our marriage. Just a week before my departure date, he decided to come with me, and I got happy and at the same time scared. Then, in the morning on the day we were supposed to leave, he told me he could not get on that airplane. He just said that. He looked like a mad man, i got devastated and scared but said "you are sick. Let me help you". That was when he said " there's another woman that entered my life".
He then got really cold toward me, insisted on taking me to the airport, and he would go to his hometown where his family lives to "protect" himself. I begged him to stay and offer me some explanation to make it real for me, and help me pack my stuff and ship to to my house. At the end he did, and I learned that he even moved in with his mistress before I came back, moved my clothes and pictures out of her sight. He said the only thing he regret was to tell me the truth on the d-day. I stayed in a hotel. The next two days, he was remorseful and even asked for my foregiveness. Then I came back to the country where i am now, and he called me several times for the first two weeks. Then, he didn't call me for a week. When I called him, he was cold. I asked he contacted her, and he said no. I stopped calling him as it was hurting me too much. A month later, we had to talk because of the project we were working on together. I asked him if he contacted her. This time, he said yes, but tried to sound like he talked her several times only. But, I later learned that he went to Russia to see her, and skype/talk to her everyday. So I had limited contact only through emails about our project together for the past two months.
Then today he asked me if I would share liability for the loan he took from his mom to buy my engagement ring, and otherwise if i would give the ring back to him. I could not belive it. I got furious, and expressed my feelings in emails to him. Then he said i was abusing him emotionally, he was acting with dignity, but i wasn't. I asked him what about $25,000 that I alone paid for the wedding ceremony. He didn't say anything about it but he said he wanted the ring because it was the most expensive thing he owns besides his car.
I knew that he was self-absorbed, but i didn't know he had serious narssistic personality disorder. I felt like my 8 years were a waste, and he took all the good memories away from me. I cried several times today.
I want to ask other people if he is "normal" to ask me pay for the engagement ring at this point because I just cannot comprehend how he could act like this without shame?
What happened to him? Or was I not seeing who he truly is for 8 years?

Thank you for letting me vent. I needed it today.


Welcome to MB.

Your WH has affairs because he has no boundaries and all the opportunity to have affairs. Are you D yet?

I would Plan B your WH.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted By: BlueFish
Together for 8 years, married for 2 years


RUN. In fact, if I was in your shoes, I would find out of that relationship with the OM started before you were M'd, and if it did, sue for divorce and recovery of that $25K spent on the wedding because he M'd you under false pretences.

And ignore his comments about the ring. He gave it to you, didn't he?


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 561
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 561
If you're not legally married, the engagement ring may not be yours to keep.

I'm not a lawyer, but the ring is yours based on an agreement that you will marry him. Technically you have not, so technically you have not lived up to your end of the bargain.

You need to speak to a lawyer in your area.


BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: BlueFish
Together for 8 years, married for 2 years (just wedding ceremony, didn't legalize it)

Then surely you are not married. Where did you have the ceremony - in a church, on the beach - where?

Why did you go to the trouble of having a ceremony but not getting married legally? What was the idea behind that?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
You aren't married? Why didn't you two get married?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 335
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 335
BlueFish,

Dr. Harley says that if you can't live together it's a recipe for disaster. A marriage can't last if you can't meet each others emotional needs on a daily bases. You need to decide if you can live together or the only option is devorce. The seperation gives him to much freedom. If your not with him meeting his emotional needs it leaves the door wide open for someone else.

Have you or do you listen to the MB radio show? It's great because you can listen to the days show all day. Just click the lick on the top right of the screen. It should help you a lot. I listen to it everyday and it helps to hear everyone elses questions. Please check it out.

KISS

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,447
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,447
Hi Bluefish welcome to MB I'm sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

In answer to your question, yes affairs do change adulterers. When a WS has an affair they re write the history and denigrate the BS to justify their behaviour. They will even change their beliefs to maintain the A. There are many posters here myself included who are married to spouses who were good people pre A. Their thinking becomes very foggy and they can't see reality.

WS will be angry and often say or do things to provoke a response so they can portray you as the bad guy.

WS become selfish and self absorbed, they do seem narcisstic, but that doesn't mean he may have a disorder, he is a typical
wayward.

It is painful listening to their foggy babble, but you have your memories, don't allows his babble to take them away, this is one thing you can control.

If you read the articles on this website and some of the other threads this will help.


Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14

"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
BlueFish, welcome. Let's make one thing clear:
Quote:
married for 2 years (just wedding ceremony, didn't legalize it)
You're not married. You're living together. Please tell me if there is some legal action you enacted that would cause the State or Country you are in to recognize your union as a legal marital union.

For now, let's go into this understanding that we are talking about your boyfriend, not your husband. There's a stark difference.

You set yourself up for failure by having a long-distance relationship. Dr. Harley says that married people should never spend nights apart. You've spent months apart. In that time, your boyfriend found another potential partner in the Russian woman. He is now conflicted because he believes he loves you both. That's why you're seeing his erratic behavior.

He doesn't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You never saw evidence of that before he began his affair, correct? No, he's got Affair Disorder (my term; not a recognized psychological disorder, but it should be), which is as selfish as you can get. Although you have to remember that he is technically NOT having an affair; he is examining his options. I'm sorry, but it's true. He is not married to you.

Quote:
Then today he asked me if I would share liability for the loan he took from his mom to buy my engagement ring, and otherwise if i would give the ring back to him.
WHAT? So he can get the cash to buy a ring for his new girlfriend?? I think etiquette suggests that you give back the ring because the engagement has failed, but I personally would be disinclined to give back a ring to a hound dog who left me to screw around with another woman. Your call.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 34
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 34
Originally Posted By: maritalbliss

Quote:
Then today he asked me if I would share liability for the loan he took from his mom to buy my engagement ring, and otherwise if i would give the ring back to him.
WHAT? So he can get the cash to buy a ring for his new girlfriend?? I think etiquette suggests that you give back the ring because the engagement has failed, but I personally would be disinclined to give back a ring to a hound dog who left me to screw around with another woman. Your call.

BlueFish, listen to Maritalbliss. She was very helpful when I was in deep denial. (hey there MB!)
Giving the ring back is your call. I agree with Maritalbliss, no way would I give it back. On sharing liability for the loan no way. What if he defaults on the loan? You pay for a ring you don't want? Just my 2 cents.

Last edited by LGLGreturns; 11/16/12 12:13 PM.

BS (me)46
XWH 46
DS19,DS,17,DD16,DD10
DD#1 12/2006
(confessed to affair in 2004)
DD#2 fall 2008- WH denial, he moves out for 6 weeks
DD#3 11/2010 new AP he doesn't deny or confirm. claims marriage was over
WH files for D 1/2011
WH moves in with OW 8/2011
WH engaged 1/2012
D final 4/2012
WH married 8/2012
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote:
BlueFish, listen to Maritalbliss. She was very helpful when I was in deep denial. (hey there MB!)
t/j LGLG! Good to see you're doing well, sweetie! smile end t/j


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (living_well), 28 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
MishellLarson, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,566
Members71,683
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5