Together for 8 years, married for 2 years (just wedding ceremony, didn't legalize it) I thought I knew this guy, and today I learned that I never knew who he truly was..
We met in a graduate school, went through some tough times together, got good jobs that pays well. the problem was my job was in a different country. We got married as we felt it was a natural, right thing to do and started a long distance marriage. We both had flexible jobs, so we spent 4-5 months together.
When he visited me in March, he talked about us going seperate ways. I was shocked because I didn't see it coming although I knew we were growing apart emotinally recently. I immediately asked him if there was someone else. He denied it and I belived him. He held me back from me going to where our home was, where he lives to spend summer there with him. I was all puzzled but waited with patience. When I could not take it any more and brought up divorcing him, he freaked out and let me come home. So I went. Then, after a week later, he told me he really wanted to divorce me. I cried, and he tried to kick me out of his/our house to a hotel, but i asked him if I could stay in the guest bedroom. He let me, but went to a hotel saying that he could not deal with the aftermath. I later learned that the day his mistress told him to divorce me to prove he didn't use her for sex and he called her to his hotel room every night.
After three days, he took a Russian visitor to his department (later learned that she was the ow) to a nearby airport, and came back home saying that he could stay home now as he was feeling better. Then all the verbal and emotional abuse started...over the two months when I was sleeping in the guest bedroom, he blamed me for everything...even for him not having many friends was my fault. He couldn't decide if he'd come back to the country where i have a job to spend the remaining summer break(yes, he is a professor) working on our marriage. Just a week before my departure date, he decided to come with me, and I got happy and at the same time scared. Then, in the morning on the day we were supposed to leave, he told me he could not get on that airplane. He just said that. He looked like a mad man, i got devastated and scared but said "you are sick. Let me help you". That was when he said " there's another woman that entered my life".
He then got really cold toward me, insisted on taking me to the airport, and he would go to his hometown where his family lives to "protect" himself. I begged him to stay and offer me some explanation to make it real for me, and help me pack my stuff and ship to to my house. At the end he did, and I learned that he even moved in with his mistress before I came back, moved my clothes and pictures out of her sight. He said the only thing he regret was to tell me the truth on the d-day. I stayed in a hotel. The next two days, he was remorseful and even asked for my foregiveness. Then I came back to the country where i am now, and he called me several times for the first two weeks. Then, he didn't call me for a week. When I called him, he was cold. I asked he contacted her, and he said no. I stopped calling him as it was hurting me too much. A month later, we had to talk because of the project we were working on together. I asked him if he contacted her. This time, he said yes, but tried to sound like he talked her several times only. But, I later learned that he went to Russia to see her, and skype/talk to her everyday. So...limited contact only through emails about our project together for the past two months.
Then today he asked me if I would share liability for the loan he took from his mom to buy my engagement ring, and otherwise if i would give the ring back to him. I could not belive it. I got furious, and expressed my feelings in emails to him. Then he said i was abusing him emotionally, he was acting with dignity, but i wasn't. I asked him what about $25,000 that I alone paid for the wedding ceremony. He didn't say anything but he wants the ring because it was the most expensive thing he owns besides his car.
I knew that he was self-absorbed, but i didn't know he had serious narssistic personality disorder. I felt like my 8 years were a waste, and he took all the good memories away from me. I cried several times a day.
I want to ask other people if he is "normal" to ask me pay for the engagement ring at this point because I just cannot comprehend how he could act like this without shame?
What happened to him? Or was I not seeing who he truly is for 8 years?

Thank you for letting me vent. I needed it today.

Sorry you are hurting so much.

What do you mean that you had a ceremony but did not legalize it?

BlueFish,
very sorry to find you on this forum, I think your tread might go to "surviving the affair" (where lots of experience people are to offer you help in this situation)
As horrible as it is now, it does get bearable with time, I promise you that, I am 2 months past leaving my H because he refused to stop seeing OW and I am so much better.
YOu really need to get some books and start reading articles on this page asap, so that you do not make the mistakes most of us made.

Regarding the ring, I don't know if this is normal, but I would guess it is not uncommon.
I took my wedding ring off along with my A level gold ring that I got from my grandparents after I found out about the affair ( I took both of them off bc one felt really strange without another on my finger)
I did not realize that my WH even noticed.
When I was packing I couldn't find them so asked him if he took them and he replied that yes, he thought I would never wear it again and now they are in one of his million boxes ( he had no idea which one of course)
I got really upset, not only for the wedding ring,but he also took my gradarents ring too!
Pretty sure I won't see either of them again.

Answering your q "what happened to him" it used to bother me a lot too. The changes in personality are so drastic, that it really makes you feel whether you were lied to the entire time of your relationship.
However I found this great explanation in the Surviving the Affair book ( must read it, there are lots of exerpts on this website), it says there that the personal values change to accommodate the afair.
" what has been inconceivable prior to an affair can actually seem reasonable and even morally right after an affair"


Reading:
you can have a party with ring exchange but never sign any paperwork. Not sure if this is the case but have friends who'd done that. also know a couple who signed paperwork just with two witnesses and had a wedding ceremony two years later...

I was married to a narcissist for 28 years and got a lot of help from one particular website, with a forum like this. Key in "narcissistic abuse recovery." The hot/cold drama is classic as is the odd sense of entitlement to assets that should be yours alone. I'm so sorry for your pain. Eventually you'll be grateful that you only wasted 8 years, but you will need to take your time before looking for a new partner.

No self-respecting man asks for an engagement ring back, or the payment for it or anything else. Ever.
It's classless and appalling.

opt

Do not agree to be responsible for any of his loans.

Absolutely true.

You were married for 28 years to a diagnosed Narcissist? How did you manage to live with him for 28 years?

We separated three times. I was addicted to the malignant hope that he would finally "get it." He was a pathological liar who mastered the art of the apology. He was gone all week for work, so I suppose that extended my tolerance. Living under his influence for so long eroded my self esteem. He had an affair halfway through the marriage and the ow told him that he was "bettter than 98% of what was out there." I came to believe that. I didn't want to expose my sons to her and fought for my marriage. They are grateful today that I did what I did and extemely supportive of the divorce. She moved on years ago and he found someone within a month of our final separation (two women actually) who wanted to marry him. It's impossible to understand this unless you've experienced it. My mother was a narcissist and so I was conditioned to expect love to hurt and be challenging. I filed for divorce a month after she died.

I appreciate what you're sharing, but my question remains: You were married to a man who was diagnosed with a personality disorder for decades? Am I understanding this? Who diagnosed him?

My h had a full year of professional mentoring (shadowing at work and in depth interviews with his subordinates) to address issues they had with his personality. In addition, he saw a psychothreapist on his own for a year that his mistress recommended. (yes, a poor choice). I was never privy to a diagnosis from either of them, but one of my sisters is a psychotherapist, as is a close neighbor. Both of them confirmed what I knew from extensive research and journaling. My H was aware of my research and made light of it, pretending he could "fix it" with a pill. We had spiritual counseling from my pastor (I went to church, he didn't) and he told me my H was probably a patholiogical liar. H said he valued "honesty" in a relationship (to the pastor's face) and was caught meeting the ow the next day.

My H said if I ever divorced him it would be "World War III." I am now in the fight of a lifetime. But my sons are grown, so it it my fight alone and they do not have to witness it.

What is your story?

My story is simple and average; my husband had an affair with a co-worker. We have recovered. Do you need more information from me before you elect to assign importance to my posts?

I suspect your husband is not disabled by a personality disorder. Ask yourself these questions: "Was there a personlity problem with him when we married? Was he unable to function because of this disorder?"