Yes, people can lie to, keep secrets and cheat on boyfriends/girlfriends. They are showing that they think it is okay to treat you with dishonesty. That is not a good trait in a mate.

It just isn't adultery.

Its dating around without agreement from both sides.

You want a monogamous romantic relationship and she does not.

We understand you feel love for her and you want your child to have a whole family unit.

You are not currently lawfully married to her though and so the legal stuff is not as complex at this point.

Maybe you should date more women to find one who you want to be in a monogamous relationship with who also wants one with you. If you do so, tell the mother of your child you are breaking the engagement and planning to date others so it is not a secret. Don't use it to make her jealous though. Be factual.

Not only have I already stopped financially supporting her, when the time comes I fully expect to be reimbursed the money that she stole from me. I would have NEVER given her any extra money if I knew what she was up to.

So maybe she is not having an A but she is certainly cheating.

Well if you demand that money back that wont help you at all.

Why don't you try plan A?
It would be a benefit to you and your family if you could work this out.
At a minimum you would have access to your kid and be involved.

Because I am not going to try and meet the emotional needs of someone acting like this. She has become a really really bad person, and I'm not going to pretend that her actions are acceptable in any way, shape or form. In short, I'm not going to give her any further opportunity to use and/or abuse me.

She'll be back, I know this woman. Trust me, dollars to doughnuts, she'll be back. At that time it will be my way or the highway.

It is well within your right to not try to establish a new romantic relationship with your EXW. How long did you two date before you were married? How long ago did you get divorced? After/before your divorce, did you date anyone else?

Your xW cheated on you, yes, but it wasn't adultery, since the two of you are no longer married, and MB works for married couples best. You should get the Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders book by DrH and read through it. Also, in any future relationship, you could use MB to the betterment of that relationship. In case you ever date anyone else, you need to learn about boundaries, and parallel parenting, and perhaps consider that with the raising of your daughter. You shouldn't maintain a relationship with your Ex in the future, if you want a new relationship to flourish.

As far as your mom and xMIL speaking to each other, I would say that shouldn't happen, because it is just going to create more tension in an already tense situation. And your one condition that she admit to being a couple, etc, isn't going to be met. That would require your xW admitting that she had done something wrong, and in her mind, she has already justified her decision to sleep around with multiple partners.

Were either you or your xW married before?

How about this: Be done with her as a wife forever, then be kind from now on since that will benefit your child.

Scotty he needs to have a relationship with his ex so he can see his kid.
Uphill has a good suggestion. Focus on being polite and ask how you can help with raising the kid

There is a RO in place now. For this visitation do you have someone who is bringing you the child?

RE: the restraining order. I highly doubt she'll keep it. She'll be needing me to take care of our daughter.

As far as everything else, maybe I didn't explain myself well enough. Yes, we got divorced, BUT we never stopped dating or acting as husband and wife. Again, we were planning on getting remarried SOON (within the next couple of months) and moving in together as a family in January. When I discovered her cheating she reacted in a 'how dare you be offended, the nerve of you' type of way- after repeatedly denying she was cheating. And she has been taking my money and working for my mother under false pretenses as long as the cheating has been going on. Bottom line: OUTRAGEOUS behaviour.

I feel like people on this forum are defending that behaviour.

Why in the world would I be polite to someone like this?
Why in the world would I not expect to be paid back the money that she stole from me?
Why in the world would I not expect her to pay my mother back the money she owes my mother (400 bucks for work she never completed)?
Why in the world would I not expect an explanation?

C'mon now, there has be some level of accountability for these disgraceful actions.

I notice you have a Jesus Christ is come in the flesh signature.

Friend, I also believe in Jesus Christ.

Let me ask you; How can more confrontations, demands or arguments help you? What is more important? Time with your child or the money? She owes your mom $400...wouldn't it be better to let your mom deal with that?

Do you want to have a relationship with your child?

Children need fathers that are active in their lives

Wilderness,
My concern is her using the RO to get you in trouble. I have seen it before on this board. There is a RO put on the BS by the WS. The BS has contact with WS at their urging and the WS turns around and reports them. Sad but true.

C'mon now, there has be some level of accountability for these disgraceful actions.

Yes, there absolutely is, and that was for you to say to her, "Given your demonstrated lack of mature commitment to our upcoming marriage and start of a new life together, I am withdrawing the offer to regain my former position as your husband. Now, GTFO of my life." (All said with a disarming smile, and YOUR witnesses present.)

Go ahead, now disagree with me, as you have with every other comment made by the folks here.

This board never condones this kind of behavior. But since this is a 'marriage building' site, it does recognize the vast difference between marriage and dating, and the level of commitment between each.

It is generally advised when a poster claims a boyfriend or girlfriend has cheated on them for them to run the other way, NOT to attempt reconciliation. This is because you should think of dating as an interview for the role of spouse, and cheating should definitely be considered a deal breaker.

I realize you have a child together, there are ways to parallel parent without all this drama. I believe someone posted you the link.

As for future marriage, not only did you barely make it last time for 2 years before seeking a divorce, but it does not appear you have corrected any of the previous issues you had (MIL), have only added to that with cheating and deception. Further, your XW is not remorseful, and does not intend to work on reconciliation. She has a restraining order on you.

My advise, cut your losses. Maintain the relationship you need to parent your child, and move on.

It's not an either/or thing, it's more complicated than that. If anyone in this world needs to face the consequences of her actions, it's my XW. And in this case, I don't think having her face these consequences will prevent a relationship with my daughter. Maybe in the short term, but not in the long term. My XW is way too self centered and lazy to be able to take care of a child full time. I know her, she won't want that.

The bottom line is that she owes me the money and I will get it from her one way or the other. She'll either pay me back or I just won't give her another dime outside of what the court has ordered. That right there should bring her crashing down to reality very quickly.

It seems that if she is:
1. self-centered
2. lazy
3. cheating
4. has a bully for a mother
5. takes money from you

as you say she is, then you should be counting your blessings that you are not re-marrying her. You can be a good father to your daughter without being married to her mother.

You two sound like a very bad combination. I'm not sure why either of you would want to re-marry each other considering all the strikes against you.

It seems like the wise and prudent thing would be to work on what you CAN control, which is YOU. Then you will be ready for a healthy, strong relationship with a healthy, strong woman.

All well and great, but it ignores what is best for my daughter...which is for her parents to work this out.
And we are not a bad combo, talk about wayward thinking. It is not the compatibility that is the issue, it is HER bad choices and lack of accountability.

But you can't fix her sir.
You have no more control over her than you do the man on the moon.
It's not your job to go around fixing people, including your ex wife.

For whatever reason, you point the finger at HER.
But SHE is the one raising your child.
SHE is the one the court granted full custody to.

If you feel she owes you money then sue her in small claims court. Your mom is going to have to sue her for her money because the judge won't give you money that is between her and your mom.

After you sue her and she enforces the restraining order and you dont see your child for at least a year, can you tell me how that helped your child?

Children without fathers are more prone to premarital sex, drug use, crime. In fact the LARGEST indicator of crime in a neighborhood is missing fathers.

What do you think Jesus would want you to do?
Are you willing to discuss your options with a pastor?

Please listen: you want to work out your marriage.
The ONLY way you can do that is to enter plan A. Avoid love busters like disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts and try to meet your ex wife's emotional needs.
That is the only way you will win her back.

You should try not to be disrespectful to the posters who are volunteering their time to try and help you.

It is best for your daughter to not have craziness and drama, whether that is WITH or WITHOUT her parents together.

The facts are this: your wife is not interested in reconciliation. She is no longer interested in marrying you, again. She has a restraining order out on you for pete's sake. Will that change? Perhaps, and then we re evaluate the situation when it does.

For now, you came here and asked what you could do to save your family. The answer is Plan A and try to win back your wife's love for you. VERY hard to do when she has a RO, of course. But you respond with, WHY would I do that when she cheated on me??? She is (fill in the blank with bad things) and why would I then try and fill her needs??? You are angry, ALL BS's understand this response. It is totally normal and understandable. But it WILL NOT win your wife back, if that is what you want.

You are fighting advice to Plan A. Yet you are fighting advice to call it quits. And now you are being rude to other posters. So WHAT is it that you want help with here?