Did you listen to these clips?
Traveling Jobs

Radio shows about traveling jobs:

Go to email #2, 6:00 minutes in:
Emailer2: A woman writes, "You stress the importance of spending 15 hours a week together. When you are traveling 4 days a week, how is this possible?" http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=1074

Another radio clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=1181 "the career should never interfere with your being together every night."


here

here

To answer your questions, yes you are wasting your time as long as the two of them can secretly meet.

Yes, both my husband and I were military and spent close to four and one-half years apart between 2003 and 2008. After H's affair, we vowed to never spend nights apart from each other.

Your position of having things the way they used to be before the affair is untenable. Sorry, affairs change everything.

AM

I only pulled out a few quotes -- but what does the above tell you? It should tell you what we all already know about affairs but it doesn't seem that you have acknowledged it or really *get* it.

Contact happens because the affairees MAKE it happen. It doesn't happen by accident. Dr Harley's plan works because it acknowledges that the WS is addicted...temptation and opportunity for the affair to continue must be blocked any way possible. Even if it means moving to another state to avoid chance encounters and triggers.

You want us to help you create a plan to help your WH get off crack while he goes off with plenty of opportunity to pursue the next hit with no monitoring or accountability. This is the opposite of what Dr Harley teaches.


The protection plan would be to REMOVE the temptation and opportunity for him to take hits off the crack pipe. Not to figure out a way to convince him not to take a hit while leaving him in a room alone with the drug. This is the OPPOSITE of what Dr Harley teaches -- because it DOES NOT work.

This is a plan to FAIL, kana lass. Sorry but it is. He is in the environment where they will MAKE contact happen, just as they have in the past, because they CAN. It is really as simple as that.

You have already told us that there is NO WAY to make sure he won't run into her and that he is a tech genius that you cannot monitor -- even if you could, he would have plenty of opportunity to find other means to reach her because he will have virtually zero accountability.

Contact will continue here, kanalass. We would not be helping you if we patted you on the back and told you everything is going to be OK. If I haven't made it clear enough -- this is the OPPOSITE of what Dr Harley teaches regarding recovering from an affair!

Okay. This tells us your priority. You're not going anywhere right now. You're going to put your child first over your marriage.

How can we help you?

Thank you everyone for posting your support. Today has been crazy. I've read all of your posts but do not have time tonight to reply to each one with care.

Can someone give me a quick tip on how to post so that I can include your comments in the body of my post so that there is some "flow". Most of you are doing it but when I reply under your post, it goes to the bottom of the last person who posted...

Just an FYI again...he is scheduled to have a ground job in the training department ASAP which will take him off the line. He says he'll stay there until retirement for the marriage. This way he'll be home every night.

My concern was the temporary possibility of them laying over together. I get it you guys! I just needed confirmation and I see that POJA isn't used for this. I don't care if it pisses him off because he says he's no longer interested in her in any way and hence doesn't need to do this. Sorry Charlie. Can't trust you on that. He's not going to fly with her when we know ahead of time.

I will be letting him know when he gets home from this trip that in order for me to stay in this marriage, he will never fly a trip when she's scheduled to be on it. It's highly unlikely that it will happen, but if it gets problematic and it happens frequently before the job change, he can go to his chief pilot and tell him he was an idiot and he needs to not be scheduled with this person. He'll have to suck it up and use his sick bank.

Yes I've seen my Doc (everything's fine) and no, his family just went through two deaths and another beloved relative is having the plug pulled tomorrow afternoon. Brain damage after massive heart attack. They have enough on their plate for the time being so I am not going to burden them with more pain at this time. If he was leaving me or I found out he was still seeing her-BINGO! Then they'd have to know. I'll tell them when they've had some time to grieve their current losses. My son figured things out all on his own. He's scary smart and incredibly kind. (Loves animals!) He's worth every second of crap and pain that my idiot husband has put me through.

Please don't beat me up too badly! I do appreciate all of your advice and smacks in the back of the head...Some of them are actually working. Oh yes, thank you for all of the links!!

I wish I'd availed myself of this part of the web site when I first found out about his summer adventure.

Hit the quote button at the bottom. Delete any text you do not want to include. Leave the [quote=] and the [/quote]

There are two exceptions to the use of POJA in a marriage - physical abuse and affairs. People in affairs will use POJA to gaslight their spouse and continue the affair. So, no, this is not a POJA issue. Demand that your H never see or speak (that includes emails, sexting, etc) OW again. Ask him to write a no contact letter, to be approved and mailed by you. H's reaction to this request can be very telling about whether he will actually end the affair and go no contact.

His family absolutely needs to know. His chief pilot absolutely needs to know. OW's husband (is there one?) and family needs to know. I just re-read the first post and see that she is divorced. That makes her especially dangerous, because she wants your husband!

You do know this has already gone sexual, right? They had adjoining rooms! Hello!

So far, nothing has changed here and you are kidding yourself if you think it actually has.

AM

Kanalass, I am glad to hear that your husband will be off the road ASAP. But in the meantime, there are some huge red flags. The first is that the affair has not been exposed. Your family and his should be told about the affair. Why keep it secret? The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable and give you support. Have you given your son all the facts about the affair? Does he know the name of this woman? Dr Harley is pretty adamant that the family and children are told of the affair.

And do you have all the truth about the affair? Did your husband admit he slept with the OW? Has he answered every one of your questions to your satisfaction?

Here is how Dr Harley recommends that the affair ends:



here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

If you want to know why we are so strict about a very narrow path, it is because we know that folks that don't follow these steps don't make it. I have been here for 11 years and I will tell you that those who cut corners always regret it. It is a disaster. Here is an article by Dr Bill Harley that summarizes recovery:

here

That is very scary. If an alcoholic told you he was no longer interested in alcohol in any way and hence doesn't need to stay out of bars, would you think he magically recovered from alcoholism or would you rightly suspect he isn't serious or even worse, doesn't understand the danger? I have a feeling in this case it is the former and the affair may not be over.

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

How old is your husband?
Has he been married before?

Where I am going with this:

Based on bits from your story, you had a baby at age 40 - child is now 14, which puts you in the mid-fifties. Assuming your husband is around your same age; you said you've been married for 19 years which means you both
married in your mid-thirties.
That leads me to believe this may be a second marriage for one or both of you.
Given that you said you were a flight attendent, it seems safe to assume you met your husband under the very same circumstances he now uses to
pursue other women. If so, this is more likely a VERY long term pattern of behavior with him - and this OW may only be the tip of the iceberg.
I also wonder if your relationship with your husband began as an affair for one or both of you.

Nicely done, Lexxxy.

I've been biting my tongue so hard and long on that same issue, that I can't taste "sweet" anymore on one side!

Kanlass I am new too and understand you. I would if you have $$ have a PI follow and investigate as well. Believe me my H can't leave his job either and we can't afford to move even if we wanted.
Good luck I think we all recognize that if they want to cheat they will no matter we they live or work. My task is to make sure he doesn't want to ever want anyone else. If so he knows the consequences... Hasta la vista Babe!!!

Spanish Beauty,
You have much reading on the Basic Concepts part of this Marriage Builders website and of the books written by the creator of the website to understand why a change of career and or place of residence is crucial for the survival of marriages.

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A warning that the purpose of this forum is to help posters learn and understand Marriage Builders concepts. It is not to share your personal opinions. If you can help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts, please feel free to post. Otherwise kindly refrain from posting.

I think you hit the Bull's-Eye, Lexxxy! Here's your Kewpie Doll: !

SEVEN posts in two days from this correspondent, then NOTHING in the four days since you asked the question!