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Set a date for a polygraph next week. Don't ask him if it's OK, just do it. Get your questions in order and let him go over them. Discuss the questions and make sure he knows exactly what you are asking.

If you find a reputable poly tech don't worry about a false positive. Your WH is worried becuase he plans to lie to you.

Tell him what will happen if he fails.

I can't recall anyone on here who has had a "false positive"

Tell him this is what it is going to take to make you feel safe. This is what it will take to start recovery.

Tell him there will be other poly's in the future, if you so desire.

You dragging this out is only depleting your love bank.

And of course, he must leave his current job.

I don't mean to sound pushy here, but from what I've learned the only reason a WS would not want to take a poly is becuase he covering his AZZ!



BS(me)
FWH
M '91
DS x 3



Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

Col. 2:8 (NLT)
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Piecesofme,
I just went through your posts. You have been going through this for over a year. PLEASE listen to the advice you are given. Make sure you have a plan in place if and when he fails the test. I've been there, you don't want to believe what is right in front of you. There is that part of you that wants to believe he is faithful & everything can be explained away. Deal with it now.


BS (me)46
XWH 46
DS19,DS,17,DD16,DD10
DD#1 12/2006
(confessed to affair in 2004)
DD#2 fall 2008- WH denial, he moves out for 6 weeks
DD#3 11/2010 new AP he doesn't deny or confirm. claims marriage was over
WH files for D 1/2011
WH moves in with OW 8/2011
WH engaged 1/2012
D final 4/2012
WH married 8/2012
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POM,

Your WH has probably gotten pretty used to you making threats and not following through. He has the upper hand in this because you won't take action. You think about it a lot and ruminate but you don't act.

Even saying something like "well I guess I know the answer" when he says he doesn't want to take the poly is letting him off the hook. Book the poly and let him know that it's non negotiable.

You've been trying to negotiate with your WH for over a year now and waiting for him to fess up on his own. He's not going to do it. You've got to grab hold of the reins now.

SERIOUSLY.

How can he respect you when you're all bark and no bite? Heck, I'm losing respect for you and I don't even know you.

GET MOVING.

Last edited by zibbles; 11/16/12 03:11 PM. Reason: spelling
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"your reluctance to take the test at all tells me a lot already. I guess I have my answers." As much as I meant it, as serious as I was, it didn't seem to get through"

it didnt get thru because it has no consequences.

my guess is that he's hiding alot more, unfortunately i have been there. my H dragged out the real truth for a few months because he was enjoying the new W and new marriage that i was showing him. he didnt want to loose it with the real truth. my gut was telling me and the posters here that something was not right. at least with a poly i was able to make an informed decision about my future. and yes it was humiliating for both of us, get over it, an affair is more humiliating.

let the poly man deal with the false positives, you H is not qualified to determine that.

Schedule the poly (discuss what you want answered- they will help you), make another list of all of your questions for your H, hand them to him the day before the scheduled date.

I see this going a few ways...

you can live with the "i wont do it because it humiliating and false positive" crap- and assume he is lying and he will never tell you the truth on anything because you let him lie.

you can live with "well I guess I know the answer" and have it always nag you in the back of your head.

you can schedule the poly and he fails- then you can make an educated decision on what your plan is.

you can schedule and take it and there is a false positive and then you have more info to make you decision either way.

you can schedule the poly and he fesses up before but you still take the poly.

you can schedule the poly and he passes and you move on already

or you can just sit with the excuses from him and from yourself and never be able to make an informed decision about your future because you know he lies.

believe me this will eat you up in the end, you know that..

sorry i dont mean this to be harsh, but its frustrating to see someone in the same spot i was and not say something.



Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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Thank you so much for your input BH, NW & JediK.

Securing the phone situation at the office is an EP that I'd really like to work on...along with the poly. I'm working on the poly and am slowly making progress (I think)... but am currently at a loss on the phone situation.

WE ARE the IT dept at the company but we don't have access to the phone records to that extent, currently. That is a few levels above us. It may eventually become local management responsibility but for the time being, full access is being maintained at upper IT management. We program the phones locally so we have access to certain advanced features that the users don't... but not everything. I expect that eventually it will trickle down to us but not right now.

"Eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible" - that's my main focus... the biggest thing that allowed continued C while I thought we were in recovery was the office phone. That's how they communicated 99% of the time. Even though they were in the same building at the time, once the A was exposed, they did not attempt to see each other again within the building because, like I said, the WHOLE building knew once I confronted Skankasaurus. So, it continued via office phone and a secret email address which has since been deleted.

Another question - at first all I felt was hurt & betrayal. Now...I'm alllll about anger, anger, anger. How to deal?









Me: BW (34)
Him: WH (38)

3 kids: 7, 3, & 7 mos


Married 7 years
DDAY #1 - 11/8/2011 (EA)
DDAY #2 - 12/6/2011 [unconfirmed possible 2nd A]

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Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
Thank you so much for your input BH, NW & JediK.

Securing the phone situation at the office is an EP that I'd really like to work on...along with the poly. I'm working on the poly and am slowly making progress (I think)... but am currently at a loss on the phone situation.

WE ARE the IT dept at the company but we don't have access to the phone records to that extent, currently. That is a few levels above us. It may eventually become local management responsibility but for the time being, full access is being maintained at upper IT management. We program the phones locally so we have access to certain advanced features that the users don't... but not everything. I expect that eventually it will trickle down to us but not right now.

"Eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible" - that's my main focus... the biggest thing that allowed continued C while I thought we were in recovery was the office phone. That's how they communicated 99% of the time. Even though they were in the same building at the time, once the A was exposed, they did not attempt to see each other again within the building because, like I said, the WHOLE building knew once I confronted Skankasaurus. So, it continued via office phone and a secret email address which has since been deleted.

Another question - at first all I felt was hurt & betrayal. Now...I'm alllll about anger, anger, anger. How to deal?

Pieces,

What his plan to find another job? Did he or OW have any repercussions from exposure at work?

The anger will subside when your WH gives you jusr compensation and protects you.

Working at the same place with OW is going to stall your recovery.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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We've discussed finding another job/working situation but with his lack of boundaries around women any job other than one where I work right beside him (like I do in this job) would make me feel LESS protected, kwim? Since his change of towns & buildings, we work a parking lot away from each other and miles and miles away from where Skankasaurus works. No need to deal with her ever.

I realize that the triggers that remain in this environment for both of us will make recovery difficult. But impossible, do you think? I'm considering calling Dr. Harley about this because I do feel it's somewhat of a unique situation.


No repercussions at work for either of them. Just the separation and it was done in a very hush hush way where they (management) covered up the real reason for the move. There's no boss/employee relationship there so there was nothing to punish. Besides, I've seen much, much worse happen in our company and the APs are NEVER punished.

"The anger will subside when your WH gives you just compensation and protects you."

Makes sense. Thank you.


Me: BW (34)
Him: WH (38)

3 kids: 7, 3, & 7 mos


Married 7 years
DDAY #1 - 11/8/2011 (EA)
DDAY #2 - 12/6/2011 [unconfirmed possible 2nd A]

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Originally Posted by Lgtex1
Set a date for a polygraph next week. Don't ask him if it's OK, just do it. Get your questions in order and let him go over them. Discuss the questions and make sure he knows exactly what you are asking.

If you find a reputable poly tech don't worry about a false positive. Your WH is worried becuase he plans to lie to you.

Tell him what will happen if he fails.

I can't recall anyone on here who has had a "false positive"

Tell him this is what it is going to take to make you feel safe. This is what it will take to start recovery.

Tell him there will be other poly's in the future, if you so desire.

You dragging this out is only depleting your love bank.

And of course, he must leave his current job.

I don't mean to sound pushy here, but from what I've learned the only reason a WS would not want to take a poly is becuase he covering his AZZ!

Somehow I missed this post and the two after - sorry about that! You were all so helpful and it probably seemed like I ignored your posts!

You are right...he's definitely still hiding something if he continues to refuse...


Originally Posted by LGLGreturns
Piecesofme,
I just went through your posts. You have been going through this for over a year. PLEASE listen to the advice you are given. Make sure you have a plan in place if and when he fails the test. I've been there, you don't want to believe what is right in front of you. There is that part of you that wants to believe he is faithful & everything can be explained away. Deal with it now.


Yes, ok... I'm preparing myself mentally for the worst case scenarios.

Originally Posted by zibbles
POM,

Your WH has probably gotten pretty used to you making threats and not following through. He has the upper hand in this because you won't take action. You think about it a lot and ruminate but you don't act.

Even saying something like "well I guess I know the answer" when he says he doesn't want to take the poly is letting him off the hook. Book the poly and let him know that it's non negotiable.

You've been trying to negotiate with your WH for over a year now and waiting for him to fess up on his own. He's not going to do it. You've got to grab hold of the reins now.

SERIOUSLY.

How can he respect you when you're all bark and no bite? Heck, I'm losing respect for you and I don't even know you.

GET MOVING.


This is EXACTLY my problem and all my own fault. I say "I need you to take a poly" or do xyz or whatever we talk and talk and I back down because he makes me feel like *I* am making us move backward..."You choose to continue to live in the past and won't let us move on"

Part of the reason I back down is because I am waiting for him to finish reading SAA. He "started reading" it a month and a half ago...after a big argument where I told him that the ONE thing I've asked of him recently he couldn't even do. It was in his night stand since last year. He read 10 pages and hasn't gone back to it...and here I sit STILL waiting for him to read it. Wow, I'm an idiot. You are right, there are no consequences for him, ever. So of course he keeps up. The one thing I did do is I stopped wearing my wedding rings as a consequence for him not reading the book...now that I think of it, I haven't worn my rings since April.

Somehow in my brain I kept thinking that if he reads it, gets it and gets on board with the plan, then I can start making my "demands" again.

Ok so I schedule the poly... He refuses to take it. End of story. Now what? There has to be a consequence so...Plan B?

Now? When everything is "fine"? Obviously everything is not fine, I'm just asking you guys for some support I guess. I feel like we are getting along, he is trying in other ways so when I bring up the poly and NC letters, and EPs he gets all "WHY are you doing this to us?! Why do you drag us down just when things are starting to get better? You never give us a chance!"



Me: BW (34)
Him: WH (38)

3 kids: 7, 3, & 7 mos


Married 7 years
DDAY #1 - 11/8/2011 (EA)
DDAY #2 - 12/6/2011 [unconfirmed possible 2nd A]

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Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
I feel like we are getting along, he is trying in other ways so when I bring up the poly and NC letters, and EPs he gets all "WHY are you doing this to us?! Why do you drag us down just when things are starting to get better? You never give us a chance!"

PoM-

I commend you for not kicking his [censored] to the floor with comments like that. But, you're going to have to call him on it:

"No, you're the one choosing NOT to make me feel safe in the marriage. You are the one choosing NOT to make me want to stay married to you and I'm done."

Enter Plan B and/or file for divorce.

You've given him enough chances, time to pull the plug for your own sanity and make him do the work for a change.



Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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He is gaslighting you and he is very, very good at it. He's making you feel like the bad guy so that he doesn't have to do anything.

See him as an addict. This will help you understand that he can't read the book and snap back to the guy you married. He needs you to help him here.

Schedule poly. Tell him 24 hours before the appointment and hand him the questions. If he refuses to take it you need to be prepared to go into plan b, maybe even have him served with divorce papers.

He isn't taking you seriously. AT ALL. Show him you mean business.

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I completely agree with Northwood.
People that don't have anything to hide don't care about a polygraph.
I'm very sorry for this and I will pray for you

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So we are at an impasse.

I called to schedule the poly, (I didn't put the money down b/c I knew I'd lose it if I had to reschedule) then called WH to tell him he needed to take the morning off for it. He refuses. Two and a half hours of every approach I can think of and he still refuses.


And yes, he is a master at gaslighting. This time its: "if you make me do this, I will resent you forever anyway because it's so degrading and humiliating"

Guess it's time to pack.

Or else I'm the cushy doormat. Again. How is it that no matter how this plays out - I'm the bad guy? I'm the bad guy for asking for the test, I'm the bad if I leave because he won't take it. Lose lose. WTF.




Me: BW (34)
Him: WH (38)

3 kids: 7, 3, & 7 mos


Married 7 years
DDAY #1 - 11/8/2011 (EA)
DDAY #2 - 12/6/2011 [unconfirmed possible 2nd A]

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sorry you are in this spot.

you are not the bad guy!!!- he wants you to feel that way because he is.


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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He doesn't believe there will be any consequences. He thinks you will roll over.

Will you?

Call his bluff. It would be interesting to see what he does when he realizes you are not fooling around.

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Make up your mind that the money will be spent on a poly so he can thoroughly demonstrate his current complete openness and honesty or it will be spent on a divorce attorney. And if he chooses to try to outwit the poly he will pay for both the poly and a divorce. Let him know you will be taking the day off too so he can choose where the money gets spent.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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PS... he can either read the book so he can fully participate in a joint marriage solution or you also have your answer and you can take the action you can live with. You're way pas due for a deep dark plan b.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks everyone. It truly sucks to have to come back here and say that I caved on the poly...for now anyway.

We had it out for hours yesterday and all night. I feel like a jellyfish already so no need to call me out on it.

This is where we left things off:
1 - he will write the NC letter and give it to me (I won't deliver it because I don't want to respark contact)
2 - He will write out a [long] list of EPs including, but not limited to - addressing all potential points of contact at work; he has agreed to me GPSing his car and monitoring of his phone, etc
3 - He will finish reading SAA by Sunday night, go over the POJA with me and commit to the MB plan, re take the EN questionnaire, etc
4 - We will schedule phone counseling with Dr. Harley directly

All of these things have to be done by Sunday night.

How's that?


Me: BW (34)
Him: WH (38)

3 kids: 7, 3, & 7 mos


Married 7 years
DDAY #1 - 11/8/2011 (EA)
DDAY #2 - 12/6/2011 [unconfirmed possible 2nd A]

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Originally Posted by zibbles
He doesn't believe there will be any consequences. He thinks you will roll over.

Will you?

Call his bluff. It would be interesting to see what he does when he realizes you are not fooling around.


I know what he would do... he'd call my bluff until I pulled the kids into it (daddy has to go away now, pack them, pack myself up, etc). Then he'd cave... and "resent me for it forever" because I'm such a terrible person for wanting to "satisfy my own emotional need for honesty and putting that over the needs of our children"...because that's always been my problem I'm all about me. I'm so selfish.

Do you see how he plays me? I'm not that interested in regaining love for him to the point that I'm willing to play games with my children you know? Calling bluffs on ultimatums that involve hurting the kids...it has to be clean when it's time to Plan B.

Last edited by PiecesOfMe; 11/20/12 09:57 AM.

Me: BW (34)
Him: WH (38)

3 kids: 7, 3, & 7 mos


Married 7 years
DDAY #1 - 11/8/2011 (EA)
DDAY #2 - 12/6/2011 [unconfirmed possible 2nd A]

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
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Originally Posted by PiecesOfMe
This is where we left things off:
1 - he will write the NC letter and give it to me (I won't deliver it because I don't want to respark contact)
2 - He will write out a [long] list of EPs including, but not limited to - addressing all potential points of contact at work; he has agreed to me GPSing his car and monitoring of his phone, etc
3 - He will finish reading SAA by Sunday night, go over the POJA with me and commit to the MB plan, re take the EN questionnaire, etc
4 - We will schedule phone counseling with Dr. Harley directly

All of these things have to be done by Sunday night.

How's that?

No, you aren't finished with the list...

5- Complete polygraph.

You've already drawn the line in the sand and must stand by this. Even if it's not as important as 1-4 may be on your list, you cannot let him know that.

What happens if/when he doesn't do these things by Sunday night?


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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