Hello, I am new here and I have read several post and seen some great advice. I am going to get right to the point and hope that someone can help ease my mind. My wife and I have been married now just over 2 years and together for almost 5. I am 32 and she is 26. I have a 7 years old son from a previous marriage in which I get every other weekend. Our realtionship has struggled for a long time now and finally it has come to a breaking point. We have had our ups and downs like everyone else has but in the past week my wife just came to me and admitted that she has been talking to an old guy friend from highschool. My wife has not done anytyhing other than talk to him through facebook. I have tracked everything and I can find no signs of anything else. No phone call, or text or even contact. I have been though this before in my past and I am very careful on what and how I handle things. I don't want to be a spy but I feel like I have to be right now. Anyway, my wife has told me that I am just not there for her and I haven't been in a while which I can see that now. I own my own business and I spend a lot of time with it. I have been trying to spend for time at home with her but she tells me its not enough. We don't do anything when we are together because for one there is just nothing to do in this town and two, we are both usually exhauseted from long days. She works full time plus goes to school to nights a week. She wants to have a child and I do to but I know that right now just isn't a good time with so much going on.I know I am probably just rambling here and not making much sense but I guess the biggest thing I am trying to accomplish is, how can I be there for her more? How can I be a better husband? She is a type 1 diabetic and it really controls her life and she always talks about how bad her life sucks and how miserable she is and she says stuff like, "I have a shortened life and I need to get things going". I try and help her everyway that I can and tell her that she does have time but its like anything I say just isnt good enough. I truly feel I am a good guy and I try to not let things bother me but I can't handle someone talking to bad about themselves ALL THE TIME. But back on the main question, how can I be a better husband, a better listener, and a better lover. We have no sex life and she always comnplains about that yet doesn't do anything about it. I try and tell her that we need to be more affectinate but nothing ever happens. THere is always something or some kind of excuse. Either I work late and am just wore out or she is not feeling well because of diabetes or she is at school. THere is like never enough time.I just don't know what to do anymore.

Welcome to MB.

I would ask the MODS to move this to the Surviving an Affair forum.

Is this OM married? You need to expose this affair. The best thing you can do is fight for your marriage and demand her to end this affair.

Read these.
Exposure 101
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

No, the OM is not married. He was divorced about 7 months ago. And, what do you mean when you say I need to expose this affair. Also, I am sure for right now at least that my W is not in contact with this OM.

I think you should divorce her and move on.
It's a shame how many marriages are ruined by the affair enabling Facebook.

I encourage you to read Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley. The book explains how affairs start, how they die and how to rebuild a marriage so it becomes affair proof.

Like yourself I owned my own business and neglected my wife. I poured all of my energies into the business. It doesn't justify adultery but it happens.

You should carefully consider any unprotected sex with her.

You also want to read about Plan A and how to expose affairs (on BH link above)

As for you tracking for text etc you do know that Facebook has private messaging and Facebook chat (very similar to text)?

Hello Boatguy,

You've come to the right place.
First and foremost you need to be sure your wife isn�t having a physical or emotional affair. If she is you have to bust that up. You will go nowhere getting her to fall back in love with you if she�s sweet on someone else.
I would encourage you to take the tour. Start with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts. Read through this site thoroughly. Dr Harley has been extremely successful in fixing marriages by having couples focus on the things that matter the most; your Emotional Needs and eliminating things that destroy love (LoveBusters). Yeah I know the terms sound kinda corny but they make total sense.

This program works especially if you have both spouses on board. If you snoop and find out there is no affair then share this site with your wife. Ask her if she'd join you in learning more about the program. There is benefit in it for both of you.
Assuming there is no affair �.
Start with the Basic Concepts.
Do the exercises (together hopefully)
Buy a few of the Dr�s books. His Needs, Her Needs and LoveBusters are the best ones to start with.
If you can�t seem to make it work then they offer counseling services or online programs. They have phone counseling (which is what my wife and I are doing) so you can do it from the comfort of your home.
Good luck and come back and post often.

Provide details on exactly how it is you are 100% sure she's not in contact? Remember cyber chatting is contact.

Thank you all so far for your help and advice. MrAlias, I have placed key loggers on all computers and laptops so I know as of right now there is no communtication. I have her cell phone online bill password and I am monitoring her calls and text. The only way she can have contact with him would be through her work email and the only she can accsess that is from her work. So I have to just hope that she is not doing that.

Did you read the exposure 101 thread I posted to you?

Yes I did. I just feel so wrong doing that but I know what she did was wrong.

Excellent.

Any conversation with a member of the OS is inappropriate, but was this 'friendly' chat or flirty/sexual/relationship chat? Did she go NC with this guy and delete and block him from FB? Better, did she delete her FB account all together?

Did you do anything to confront this guy and tell him to stay the hxll away from your wife? POSOM's like an easy target, and if she is not an easy target he will likely steer clear once you do this.

My friend, you seem to be in EXACTLY the position I was when I discovered my FWW's incipient affair. Consider yourself LUCKY. Now take advantage of the good fortune.

The exposure that many folks are urging you to undertake is the most valuable tool in ending affairs. If you believe the affair is not dead, then you should expose vigorously and completely.

Your initiating note details all the problems you admit are in the way of improving your marriage....and you speak of them as if they were immutable laws of physics.

Anyway, my wife has told me that I am just not there for her and I haven't been in a while which I can see that now. I own my own business and I spend a lot of time with it. I have been trying to spend for time at home with her but she tells me its not enough. We don't do anything when we are together because for one there is just nothing to do in this town and two, we are both usually exhausted from long days...She is a type 1 diabetic and it really controls her life and she always talks about how bad her life sucks and how miserable she is and she says stuff like, "I have a shortened life and I need to get things going". I try and help her every way that I can and tell her that she does have time but its like anything I say just isn't good enough. I truly feel I am a good guy and I try to not let things bother me but I can't handle someone talking to bad about themselves ALL THE TIME...We have no sex life and she always complains about that yet doesn't do anything about it. I try and tell her that we need to be more affectionate but nothing ever happens. There is always something or some kind of excuse. Either I work late and am just wore out or she is not feeling well because of diabetes or she is at school. There is like never enough time.

Math lesson time: There are 168 hours in a week. To ensure that a marriage has the "connections" necessary for its health, the couple needs to spend a minimum of fifteen hours (9%) of that in the state of Undivided Attention (UA). This is not watching television, or anything like that. It means time in which the couple talks about their days, their dreams, their problems, their successes. That will be a good place to start repairing your union.

You also need to figure out what your wife's key Emotional Needs (ENs) are. (It is not usually too hard; the potential OM discovered them via Facebook chats!) Read about them here. Download a questionnaire for each of you to fill out here.

And for the love of God, stop thinking of yourself as powerless. You seem to have discovered the EA before it got really rolling. You do not have children between you that can act as impediments during recovery. With your wife's medical issues, you have a great "hook" to start helping her in ways that you have failed previously. The best way to lose a fight is to predetermine that you cannot win it!

Boatguy, is this affair, and your wife's complaint about your never being there for her, the reason why you want to move out of state?

Emotional affairs carry the same weight on the betrayed spouse as physical affairs. This thread should definitely be moved to the Surviving An Affair forum.

Help, please! Is there another thread here, updating his sitch? I'm only seeing his posts from last November.